


Will you follow through if I fall for you?

by zation



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Coming of Age, Confused Dean, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Frottage, Intercrural Sex, Jerk Crowley, M/M, Mentions of Prostitution, Mentions of abusive childhood, Not Beta Read, Sexual Identity, Sexual discoveries, Slice of Life, Slightly - Freeform, Straight Dean, Understanding friends, Warning for OOC-ness, homosexual castiel, not because I wanted it to be but because I can't seem to help it...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-30 12:40:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 43,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3937159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zation/pseuds/zation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Sam move to Sioux Falls to live with Bobby after John practically wastes himself. There they enroll in your typical high school and make some interesting friends. Especially this kid, Castiel, Dean finds particularly interesting for some reason. It could be because he’s the first gay guy Dean’s ever known, or because he has a quirky fondness for bees. It pretty much had to be something like that because what the hell else would it be that keeps dragging Dean’s eyes to him?</p><p>Or,</p><p>The one where Dean couldn’t believe he could embarrass himself so much and where he kind of keeps making it worse at every turn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Bumblebee Hairpins (Or: Castiel is Adorable and Alastair is a Big Bag of Dicks)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3377369) by [BlackDog9314](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackDog9314/pseuds/BlackDog9314). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is rated **Explicit** for later chapters because I want to try something new here but I still know myself (derisive snort…). Just know that the build is probably going to be _slow_. Yeah.  
>  Oh, and as stated this fic is very much inspired by BlackDog9314’s fic, it’s goddamn awesome so go read it (and the following). Sorry, though, that it inspired this monstrosity…
> 
> Anyways, enjoy the read!
> 
>  
> 
> _P.S. Title from Martin Garrix (ft. Usher)" Don’t Look Down"._

  
  


"Hey, Dean."

Dean turned and Lisa Braeden tittered cutely when his eyes landed on her and her friends. "Hiya." He answered with a cocky smile and then turned back to Sammy when the rest of Lisa’s group giggled as well. Specifically this other brunette and a blue-eyed guy.

"Seems like you’re making friends already." Sam smirked and Dean just sighed when the other students passed. "Seriously, you don’t have to wait here with me, if you want to go play with them you can."

Dean looked at his twelve-year-old little brother and couldn’t fucking believe he’d just said something like that but at the same time knowing exactly what he was talking about. Dean was usually pretty easy to read. "No, Sam." He sighed even deeper. "We’ve only lived in Sioux Falls for about a month, we’ve been to school for only a week. Let’s get acclimated before we start running around making _friends_."

Sam quirked an eyebrow. "That was very mature of you to say, I’m impressed." He smirked again. "And acclimated? Have you been using that word of the day calendar I got you?"

Dean narrowed his eyes in irritation. "Shut up."

Sam was not wrong, of course, because when was the twerp ever wrong? It hadn’t taken them long to get the paperwork done and themselves moved into Uncle Bobby’s scruffy house and they had been at this school for quite some time now but Dean was still uneasy. Sam had of course already hit it off with people and there were more than enough people willing to befriend Dean in his own grade but it was hard. Hard to let go of the safety that Bobby and Sam provided. Hard to let go of John’s death, hard to _acclimate_.

Dean sighed, again, as they stood outside the principal’s office and waited for Sammy’s debate club papers. He should try, at least. For Sam he would try.

  


*****

  


Yeah, so that hadn’t been as hard as Dean had feared…

Benny was a loud and funny guy from Louisiana with the strangest accent Dean had ever heard, Garth was some kind of geek with a quirky humor, Bela was a British girl with a knack for getting what she wanted, Castiel was kind of quiet and the girls’ best friend, Gabriel was Cas’ older brother and a real trickster, Kali was Gabriel’s on-again-off-again girlfriend who only sat with them with they were on, and Lisa was… Lisa was just awesome.

She had nestled herself into Dean’s sphere and grabbed a hold and Dean found that he really didn’t mind. She had beautiful eyes, thick hair, a cute smile and a great rack. Plus, she had introduced Dean to her friends and they had taken to him like kids to a puppy and it felt nice, being included like this.

One month into the school year and Dean already felt better than he ever had living in Lawrence. Granted, life in Lawrence had included a lot of shady business on Dean’s end just to get them through the day so pretty much anything was bound to be better but still.

He didn’t know if it was just him was accepting Sam’s whole start-over attitude but he felt it was easier to just be honest with people here. Was it his attitude or was it theirs? It was hard to tell but when people asked him questions he had started actually answering.

Where are you living?  
Uncle Bobby’s.

Why? Where are your parents?  
Mom died when we were little. Dad became an alcoholic and drunk himself to death this summer.

Are you okay?  
No, but I’m starting to think I’m going to be.

Do you want to sit with me? Come to a party with me this weekend? Go out with me? Kiss me?  
Yes please.

Okay, so Lisa hadn’t actually asked if he wanted to kiss her but he sure as hell thought about it a lot. Sometimes he spaced out a little while she talked, staring at her lips. Once he’d caught Cas’ eyes while staring at Lisa and Cas had quirked his lips in that little smile of his. Dean had just made a grimace at the other boy and tried to concentrate on what the teacher was saying but it was difficult. Very little passed by Cas and it made Dean a little on edge.

  


*****

  


It was about two months in on the semester that Dean’s world view got updated.

It was an accident. He wasn’t supposed to be in the locker room but they’d had track earlier that day and he had been looking all over the school for the bag with his gym clothes ever since. Surely he hadn’t been so stupid as to forget it in the locker room? It was simultaneously the most and the least obvious place to leave it. Benny was waiting outside while Dean jogged down the hall. They were going out later, him, Benny, Garth and Gabe. Cas was rarely with them when they went out with their fake IDs, drinking beer and ogling women. Dean hadn’t really thought about it because Cas was more preppy than the other boys and sometimes hung out with different people so Dean had kind of assumed it had something to do with that.

Plus, he was more the girls’ friend for some fucked up reason. Dean was down with being friends with girls but didn’t Cas ever want some honest to God guy-time once in a while? It baffled Dean a little. What baffled him the most was why the hell he kept inviting the guy even when he knew he would say no. And always with that little lip-quirk as well.

 _This evening_ , however, Dean got some answers to his questions.

When he entered the locker room he was so focused on his task that he at first didn’t hear that the shower was turned on. The second he found his forgotten and smelly gym bag, however, he breathed such a deep sigh of relief that he almost felt his ears pop and that was when he heard it.

Heard the obvious sound of rushing water, of course, but also something else. Dean grabbed his bag and curiously edged closer to the opening that lead into the shower room because that had sounded like… Yes, there it was again. Dean smirked. Someone was engaging in either a little self-love or some good natured fucking right here. In the shower.

He cocked his head to the side where he stood just outside the room and thought that it sounded like two people moaning and panting. Kudos to the guy that had managed to sneak a girl in here. Dean was actually impressed and it was because of that, that he decided to peek inside.

What he saw made him drop his gym bag. It hit the floor with a dull thud that apparently was loud enough for the two people inside to hear because they stopped their ministrations and looked over at him. Oh fuck.

"D-Dean?" Cas stuttered and the guy in front of Cas with his hand still wrapped around their erections smirked.

"Friend of yours, Cassie?" he asked, heavy British accent only serving to make his tone of voice sound condescending.

Dean blushed hard and tried desperately to pick up his jaw. He had no fucking idea Cas was gay. This was probably why he always refused to go out womanizing with the guys. Why the hell hadn’t anyone told him? He’d been making a complete ass out of himself this whole time.

Cas tried to push the other man aside but he wasn’t budging. Cas gave him a disapproving glare before turning pleading eyes at Dean. The look tugged at something within Dean.

"Dean, it’s not... We’re—"

"It’s not what it looks like?" the British guy asked with a snort. "I think it’s pretty obvious what this is, Cassie."

Dean saw the guy squeeze his hand around their erections and fucking hell, Cas closed his eyes briefly and arched his back with a moan. It looked… Fuck.

"Fergus, not now." Cas bit out and all but hid his face against the guy’s chest.

Fergus, or whatever, started stroking them for real, totally ignoring Dean. "Yes, now, Cassie. I’ve waited for too long and I know you don’t mind some audience."

Okay, that was officially overstepping Dean’s line. He bent down and quickly grabbed his bag. When he straightened he saw this Fergus-guy smirking at him again. Dean blushed deeper.

"I-I’m sorry." He said, startled when his voice came out a squeak and not knowing in the least what the hell _he_ was apologizing for.

" I’m not." Fergus drawled and pulled Cas’ head back by the hair, kissing him deeply. Cas moaned throatily and snaked his arms around the guy’s neck to pull him closer and that was it for Dean.

It was the hastiest retreat he had ever made without someone chasing him.

  


*****

  


"I just wish someone had told me." He grumbled into his third beer and Benny snorted beside him.

"Why, is it making you uncomfortable?" he sounded like he would pound Dean if he said yes and Dean respected that. He had done a quick soul-search on that question and had already decided that that wasn’t the problem here.

"Of course not." He muttered and took a swig. "Only I’m not _that_ familiar with it and it took me unawares. I stood there gawking like an idiot."

Garth chuckled. "Crowley will do that to you."

"You too?"

Benny snorted his beer up his nose when Garth shook his head. Garth gave their friend an ominous glare before he turned back to Dean. "No, I just made a rather undignified exit."

"What?"

"He shrieked like a girl and threw himself down on the floor."

Dean laughed to hard he had to grip the chair to not fall off it and Benny was not far behind.

"I _tripped_." Garth bit out. " I was surprised. I thought the room was unoccupied and that was more than you should have to see of your friend."

Benny nodded and tried to look sage. "Yeah, Winchester. You can be glad you only saw them jerking it."

Dean scrunched up his face when he realized what they were talking about. "Oh." He managed and tried not to blush. He cleared his throat. "What did Cas mean, though? When he said it wasn’t what it looked like?"

"I think—" Garth started but was interrupted by Benny putting his hand on his friend’s shoulder and pointing at the door. When Dean turned he could see Gabriel returning with Cas tagging along.

"Why don’t you ask him yourself?"

Dean didn’t know why but his stomach knotted at that but he nodded anyway. When the brothers arrived at the table Gabe slid down onto an empty chair but Cas just stood there, looking a little lost. The Roadhouse wasn’t that strict and the owner was a cool woman who was actually the mom of one of Sammy’s friends but Dean still didn’t want to draw attention to them. He pulled out the chair next to his, the only empty one left.

"Sit down, will you?" he said and tried to sound casual.

Cas glanced about himself. "Can we talk?"

"Sure."

"Outside?"

Dean swallowed and took a swig of his beer before he nodded and stood up to follow Cas outside, not doubt in his mind that none of their friends were going to interfere with this conversation. They walked in silence and Cas rounded a corner to take them into an alley before he turned to Dean. Dean swallowed again and looked around them to see if they were alone. He didn’t know why he did that and he didn’t know what he should feel when he noticed that they were.

"So…" he mumbled and put his hands in his jeans pockets.

Cas looked concerned. "I just wanted to make sure you’re okay." He deadpanned.

"What?" Dean blinked dumbly. "Why wouldn’t I be? Shouldn’t I ask you that?"

Cas cocked his head to the side in that way he did when he was thinking, or confused. "I’m fine."

Dean sighed and looked down at the ground, rubbing the back of his head nervously. "I kinda wish you’d told me you were gay though, I feel like a douche bag."

Cas actually laughed at that, a kind of half-snort-half-scoff and it made Dean look up and smile awkwardly. "Yeah, ‘cuz that’s how you introduce yourself. Hi, my name’s Castiel, I’m gay."

Dean chuckled. It sounded ridiculous when he said it like that. "Sorry."

"I thought you knew, everyone does." Cas smiled and Dean kicked at some dirt.

"Why the hell did you think I kept inviting you to these things?" he asked and gestured vaguely at the Roadhouse, hoping that Cas would catch his drift. He did because somehow Cas always understood what Dean was talking about.

"I thought you were kidding at first but I have to admit, I started wondering after a while." When Dean looked at him he was still smiling though so Dean figured maybe he hadn’t made a complete fool of himself.

"Shoulda figured when you were closer friends with the girls than the guys, though. No straight guy pays _that_ much attention to a girl." He smirked and Cas made a face at him but still didn’t look mad.

" Chauvinistic but okay."

Dean smirked wider and slapped Cas lightly on the shoulder. "So you just wanted to take me out here and make sure I wasn’t freaking out because you’re gay?"

Cas actually looked down at that and looked a little like he was embarrassed. "Kind of. I like you Dean. I really do and I don’t want to lose our friendship over something like this." When he looked up his eyes were so full of hope that Dean felt like taking a step back. What the hell? They had only known each other for like two months.

He stood his ground but cleared his throat awkwardly. "Dude, I…" he looked away from Cas’ fucking intense stare. "We’re cool."

"Good." Cas said but Dean was still looking away. "Also, I wanted to clarify that I’m not some kind of slut."

What the fucking hell? Dean definitely did a double-take at that. "Wh-what?" he stuttered, staring at Cas’ serious face.

"I don’t sleep around with just anyone with a dick. Fergus is actually my boyfriend." He pursed his lips and looked away, a small blush creeping up his otherwise pale cheeks. "I just wanted you to know that."

It was the girliest and strangest thing Dean had ever heard. He didn’t know what to make of it. Why was Dean’s approval so important? He felt strangely honored and at the same time awfully embarrassed. Cas was strange on a daily basis, Dean already knew that, but this… It was just weird. But it was important to Cas so Dean just swallowed and nodded when Cas looked over at him.

"I get it." He said and was proud to find his voice steady. "Hope he makes you happy."

Cas’ smile was wide and all gums and it was actually kind of blinding. Dean smiled bashfully for the first time in his life and didn’t breathe normally until he was safe inside the Roadhouse again, Cas having gone home after their talk.

"Are you okay, brother?" Benny eventually asked when Dean had just been sitting and staring at his beer for the last twenty minutes.

 _Why the hell does people keep asking me that?_ he thought, slightly annoyed. " Yeah." He said and took a big swig just to prove it. "So it turns out that British douche is actually Cas’ boyfriend."

The rest of the table nodded. "Sure, yeah." The mumbled unanimously and Dean’s eyes budged out a little.

"Thank you for the information, guys." He muttered and took another swig.

"Aw, come on. It’s better for Cassie to tell it himself. And besides, you should feel honored." Gabe stated as if it was nothing and Benny and Garth nodded along. Dean frowned.

"Why?"

"Friends are really important to Cas. And it shows that he must really like you for him to be this concerned about your reaction." Garth said and Dean’s frown deepened. "And you’ve only known him for a little while, Cas usually doesn’t let people in that easily."

"Why?" Dean asked again but was unsure if he wanted the answer.

Gabe sighed and put his beer bottle on the table. "When we were little we lived in Pontiac, Illinois. Cassie had a lot of friends because he is quirky but not in a creepy way. Kids love that." He huffed a new sigh. "But when we were in… I think I was fourth grade and he third, I can’t remember, Cas started realizing that he actually preferred boys over girls. And he was foolish enough to say so out loud." Gabe met Dean’s eyes and Dean’s stomach knotted uncomfortably. "They beat him pretty bad and for a long time he didn’t have any friends anymore. Then dad got a job here in Sioux Falls and we moved. Cassie was so cautious at first." He shrugged a little. "I guess he still is." He took a swig of his beer and Dean released a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding.

"So when he really likes someone he makes sure they accept him." Garth added and Dean nodded, his conversation with Cas suddenly make more sense. "We usually let him decided when to tell someone he’s gay."

Dean snorted. "He’s kinda good at hiding it."

"Yeah." Benny mused but Gabe shook his head.

"Not really, but you’ll see much more of it now when you know." He smirked and Dean actually smirked back, somehow feeling even more accepted than he had before.

"He actually thought I already knew." He informed them and they looked at each other, surprised. "What? He said everyone knows."

Gabe laughed. "He must really want to be your friend."

"Well, why not? I’m awesome." Dean stated and managed to sound like his cocky self even though his insides were twisting. Why, he didn’t know. "I like that he told me though and good for him for having a boyfriend too, even though he was kind of an ass." He had meant it jokingly because, let’s be honest, he didn’t know the guy but the others looked at each other, the mood definitely darkened. "What? Why do I feel like I just kicked a puppy?"

"We…" Garth cleared his throat. "We don’t like Crowley."

"Crowley? You mean Fergus?" they nodded. "Why?" and boy, wasn’t that the word of the evening?

Gabe scoffed but looked too angry to talk so he took a swig of his almost empty beer and Benny turned to Dean instead.

"He doesn’t treat Cas right." He stated and Dean wanted to make a comment on how they made Cas sound like some weak girl. He was a dude for fuck’s sake.

"What do you mean?"

Garth sighed but it was Benny that kept talking. "He showers Cas with gifts and attention and then he disappears for days, radio silence. Both Garth and Lisa has seen him with other guys. And…" he glanced at Gabe but Gabe was still staring at his beer bottle. "And we think he might be hitting Cas." Benny finished and the notion made Dean clench his own bottle in his hand.

"Seriously?" he asked and his voice came out much more gritted than he’d expected. He had barely known these people for two months but he felt protective over them all the same. Because that was what he did; protected. _You have to protect Sammy._

" We don’t know." Garth hastened to say. "We’ve confronted Cas about it and about Crowley cheating but Cas just laughed it off in that way of his."

"It’s Crowley." Gabe suddenly said and when he looked up he looked seriously pissed off. "Cas came home and he had bruises on his wrists and this other time he actually had a black eye, he’d told me he was going out with Crowley both times."

"We still don’t know for sure though." Benny stated in a voice that was obviously trying to be diplomatic. "We asked Cas and he said that it wasn’t Crowley but he still refuses to say who it was so it sounds kinda…" he made a face and Dean understood.

"Have you talked to Crowley?" he asked but they shook their heads.

"They’ve only been going out what, two months?" Garth looked at Benny and Gabe. "Three?"

"Three." Gabe bit out.

"We figured we’d step back for a while and see what happens." Benny said and Dean simultaneously got a warm feeling in his chest and a cold one in his stomach.

"I like how you’re so protective over each other." He said with a small smile. "Almost as if Cas is all of ours’ little brother."

"Of course." Garth said matter-of-factly and the other two nodded.

"If we saw someone beating Sam we’d crush that dude." Gabe said casually and the warm feeling spread.

"I’ve just never had friends like you." Dean said and wondered if it was the beer or something else that made his tongue so loose. _Or friends at all,_ a mean little voice in his head that sounded conspicuously like John Winchester nagged. He ignored it.

" You’re welcome, brother." Benny said with a wide grin and slapped Dean on the back.

The evening turned to lighter topics after that and it ended with Dean going over to Lisa’s to sit on her porch, look at the stars and maybe cop a feel or two. It was awesome.

But underneath it all was the humming of Cas’ concerned face and his words. _I like you Dean, I don’t want to lose our friendship over something like this._ They followed Dean all the way home and into his restless sleep.

_I like you Dean._

  


*****

  


Lisa laughed her silver bell laugh where she was snuggled up against him on top of Baby’s hood. "You seriously didn’t know?" she laughed harder when he shook his head amusedly. He hadn’t told her about his encounter with Cas and Crowley on Friday but his reaction this Monday morning had been enough to give her some ideas. He had stumbled when Cas had walked up to them and he had dropped his books when Cas put a hand on his arm to steady him, blushing like an idiot. He had since then — hours later — gotten himself together. Cas seemed to think it was funny to tease Dean about his reaction though and the girls were not far behind.

"It’s not the gay thing." He stated firmly and hugged her closer when she finally stopped laughing at him. "It’s the seeing you friend in that kind of situation thing." He glanced down at her and found that she was tantalizingly close. "It’s like seeing your parent or sibling."

"I know." She smiled wide. "You’re just funny, bumbling about Cas."

He actually frowned a little at that. "I don’t bumble." He muttered and she shook her head fondly. "And I don’t treat him differently, do I?" he added the last as if in afterthought and she seemed to think it over.

"Differently because you saw him in a sexual context? Maybe a little, but wouldn’t we all?" she straightened and pecked him on the cheek. "I mean, you said it yourself. Anyone who sees their friends like that would react a little awkwardly. Did they tell you Garth hugged the floor?"

Dean grinned. "Yeah."

She nodded and leaned in a bit. "So you see." She pecked him on the lips this time and he slid his right hand down to her lower back. "And if they would see us now, what would they do?"

His grin turned into a cocky smirk and he urged her to straddle him, which she did more than willingly. "Wolf-whistle?" he asked without asking and she huffed a laugh before leaning in, kissing him shallowly.

"Right, so let’s stop talking about Cas now."

He had already stopped thinking about it but her words brought back images of Cas arching his back, his mouth open in a small moan. He pushed them aside though, in favor of hugging Lisa closer and kissing her deeply.

She tasted sweet and her body was warm and curvy in all the right ways. Her rump fitted perfectly in Dean’s steady hands and when he urged her to roll her hips down against his crotch she obliged without hesitation. She moaned a little against his mouth and he liked it so he let one hand travel up to cradle the back of her head, gripping her thick hair lightly. It made her moan again and she bent her head back to expose her neck to him and he liked it even more.

But as he bent forwards to lick her — and to get delicious friction against his growing hard-on — his mind reeled back to memories of Crowley pulling Cas’ head back by his short hair. What would that feel like? Lisa’s hair was soft and billowy but Cas’ was rather short. Not as short as Dean’s but still…

He was startled out of his thoughts when Lisa put a tentative hand on his dick. And he was even more startled when he noticed his erection had died down a little. She didn’t look surprised, or hurt, or disappointed, even. She just pressed against him a little and leaned in to kiss him again. He let her but felt uneasy about his own reactions. He had never had any problem in this department before. This was what he knew. A beautiful woman in his lap and he was good to go. Cas was afraid Dean would think he was a slut but what would he say if he knew about Dean’s exploits before moving here?

Dean’s mind wandered too much and his dick actually gave up on him. This made Lisa stop and look questioningly at him.

"Sorry." He tried grinning lopsidedly. "Guess I can’t stop thinking about someone catching us."

She looked around and sure, they were parked in the middle of a dirt road in the woods. A place where she’d assured him lots of kids came to make out but they were completely alone at the moment. But it was still out in the open so she seemed to accept his explanation. If she’d known him better and had known what his life in Lawrence had been like she would have known he was lying. As it was, she just smiled and got off him.

"I guess we should be heading back anyway." She said with a smile and he thought that she was much too understanding. If she’d been a guy she’d known something was up. Why the hell that thought had crossed his mind he had no idea.

"Yeah." He said and managed to smile genuinely at her.

Later, when he’d dropped her off, he joined Bobby out in the garage and the old man seemed happy to have Dean’s company. It made Dean feel appreciated and he ended up staying in the garage until Sammy yelled for them to come eat dinner. It felt strangely domestic in a way Dean had never known but liked.

"So," Bobby started a little awkwardly as they made their way to the house. "Sam took the bus home today."

Dean grimaced when he realized Bobby was hinting at the deal they’d made. Bobby paid for the Impala’s gas as long as Dean got Sammy safely to and fro school.

"Sorry." He mumbled and wanted to pocket his hands but they were greasy and now that someone else — Bobby — was doing their laundry he felt guilty. "I drove Lisa home."

Bobby actually chuckled a little at that and let Dean in first when they reached the house. "This the same Lisa you’ve been talking about since you started school?"

Dean didn’t think he was talking about her that much. Then again, how many Lisas did Bobby hear about? And compared to how Dean had been before he supposed it would draw attention if he mentioned the same girl twice. "Yeah." He answered and smiled sheepishly when Bobby chuckled louder.

"Good for you, son."

"Ugh." Dean pretend-scoffed. "It’s not like that."

"Like what?" Sam asked from where he was at the sink, pouring the water from the pasta, just as they walked into the kitchen.

"It’s not serious." Dean clarified, more to Bobby than Sam but it was Sam that rolled his eyes.

"Are we talking about Dean’s not-girlfriend?"

"We are." Bobby confirmed and sat down at the already made table. Dean’s ears got red from embarrassment and he slid down on the chair opposite Bobby.

"Shut up." He muttered and kind of wanted to tell them how he had passed up the opportunity to get frisky out in the woods, just to shut them up but what was the point? Why didn’t he want them to think about Lisa as his girlfriend? Because he didn’t do girlfriends? Things were different here in Sioux Falls though.

Still, having his little brother and Uncle Bobby laugh heartily at him made him both uneasy and happy.

  


*****

  


Dean’s life returned to normal after that weekend because why wouldn’t it? He and Lisa went on a date or two. Had some popcorn and a make-out session at the back of the movie theatre and Dean was actually enjoying taking things slow. It was very different from how his love-life had been before. That is to say, he actually had one in contrast to before where he’d just jumped from woman to woman… And he actually found this courting thing kind of satisfying. Not physically, of course, physically it was a pain but it wasn’t that Lisa wasn’t willing. It was just… Slower than normal. Different.

A couple of weeks later Dean actually found himself whistling as he made his way over to his locker to begin yet another day of school. It was still boring to him, going to classes and the restrictions and whatnot. Having lived for so long with John where school was more of a fleeting interest it was difficult to adjust to being a "normal" teenager but Dean like it. A little. Liked getting to meet his friends if nothing else.

When he entered the corridor with his locker in it his mood shifted, though. Further down the row of lockers, where Cas’ locker was, Cas and Gabe stood, obviously arguing. Dean frowned and walked faster and when Gabe slammed his fist against the locker next to him Dean stepped up his pace even more. He couldn’t see Cas’ face but the smaller boy flinched when Gabe yelled at him.

"Hey, hey." Dean said loudly to quiet Gabe down. "What’s going on?" Gabe turned an angry glare at Dean and Dean immediately got the feeling that he’d overstepped some kind of line. Sure, they’d acted like they’d accepted him and Cas really wanted to be Dean’s friend and all but this could very well be something between the brothers and the brothers alone. He was just about to say so when Gabe put a hand on Cas’ shoulder to spin him around so that he faced Dean.

"This." Gabe bit out. "This is what’s going on."

Cas looked up at Dean through his lashes but Dean didn’t meet his eyes. His gaze was glued to the red welt that spread across Cas’ right cheek. The skin look taut and painful and he winced when he saw it. He was just about to ask what the hell had happened when his mind rushed back to that conversation at the Roadhouse. He turned his stunned expression to meet Gabe’s furious one.

"You don’t think…?"

"That’s exactly what I think." Gabe bit out but Cas wrenched himself free at that.

"What the hell, Gabe?" he said, obviously trying to sound angry but Dean just thought he sounded tired. And sad. "What have you been saying to Dean?"

Gabe turned back to his little brother. "This isn’t normal, Cassie." He stated heatedly, ignoring Cas’ questions. "You can’t be with someone who beats you."

"It…" Cas’ eyes darted from Gabe’s to Dean’s and finally landed on the floor. "It wasn’t Fergus."

"Goddamnit Cas!" Gabe yelled and slammed his fist against the locker again. Cas jumped and Dean put a hand on his shoulder to calm him. Cas leaned against Dean’s touch and the feeling made Dean step closer to him.

"Come on guys, not out here." Dean mumbled but Gabe just shook his head disgustedly.

"Doesn’t matter where Dean-o." He muttered. "D’you think this conversation started here? When I was the one who met Cas at the door at two a.m.?" Dean’s eyes rounded out a bit at that but Gabe turned back to his brother, shoving a finger up in his face to make his point clear. "We’re not finished." He said threateningly but then thankfully left.

It was only then that Dean noticed that his hand on Cas’ shoulder had slipped down the boy’s back. He felt very conscious of his own movements as he removed it and scratched the back of his head.

"You know he’s right, though?" he asked when it looked like Cas wasn’t going to say anything. "If Crowley is hitting you—"

"Can we talk?"

Cas’ eyes were so brilliantly blue and so big that Dean wasn’t even ashamed to admit his breathing hitching. It was an unconscious and startled reaction, nothing else.

"Sure." He said slowly, kind of hinting with his body language that they already were talking.

Cas rolled his eyes at Dean and actually grabbed his wrist. "Come on."

Dean didn’t know why but he let himself be pulled along behind Cas. It actually wasn’t that weird. He’d let girls and women lead him like this before and he figured the only reason he thought it should have been weird was because Cas was a guy but somehow it wasn’t. If it was because Cas was gay and so, in effect — in Dean’s mind — kind of like a girl or if it was something else was hard to tell. He felt kind of stupid for thinking like that, comparing Cas to a woman just because he was into dudes but it was Dean’s way of rationalizing it. Besides, it wasn’t just that. Cas was kind of girly sometimes, what with his fondness for accessories, squeamishness when it came to spiders, clothes and oh boy, Dean suddenly felt like the biggest bigot on the planet…

He cleared his throat awkwardly but when Cas turned his head over his shoulder to look at Dean, Dean managed to smile at him like he’d just had something stuck in his throat or something. Cas quirked his lips and the sight made Dean feel weird.

They didn’t talk, not until they’d bought a sandwich to split from the cafeteria’s breakfast menu. Dean was vaguely aware that they might miss homeroom but he didn’t really care. He wasn’t _that_ into going to classes anyhow and whatever Cas had to say seemed important.

They ate for a moment and Dean actually found it cute how Cas picked the pickles out of the sandwich with a little disgusted frown. He plucked them from Cas’ plate without asking and Cas didn’t even bat an eye.

"We should’ve just gotten the one with the chicken curry if you didn't like this one." Dean said between bites and only then realized it was kind of odd for him to share a sandwich with someone else. Or sharing food at all.

Cas looked up, confused. "I thought you liked this one?"

Dean smiled crookedly. "I do but you obviously don’t." He picked up yet another pickle from Cas’ plate just to prove his point.

Cas smiled a little but winced when the action made the welt on his cheek stretch. Dean pressed his lips together. "I like it enough." He mumbled and took a small bite, probably to not have to put strain on his cheek.

"Are you going to tell me about that?" Dean said in a low voice and gestured at Cas’ face.

Cas looked around as he chewed and Dean could appreciate that; that he didn’t want the whole school to hear. They were pretty alone though, so he just sighed when he’d swallowed and put the half-finished meal down on his plate.

"For some reason, yes." He stated and Dean had to think about what that meant before he nodded.

"You don’t have to." He said and tried to sound casual, popping the last of his share of the sandwich into his mouth. "Not if it makes you uncomfortable."

Cas looked at him, his blue eyes as intense as usual and Dean found that he still hadn’t gotten used to that stare. "It does." He agreed but then frowned down at his plate. "But I’m tired. I need to talk to someone but everyone is so…" he looked up again and Dean didn’t know why but he held his breath. "I want to talk to at least you."

"Okay." Dean said slowly, feeling all kinds of uncomfortable himself but he managed not to show it. "So, _is_ it Crowley hitting you?"

" No."

Dean nodded. "I believe you." Cas looked so relieved that Dean’s stomach fluttered. He ignored it. "But someone is, Cas. From what I’ve heard this isn’t the first time and I have to agree with the guys, this is not okay."

Cas actually blushed at that and hid his face by ducking his head. It looked strangely adorable and Dean shifted unconsciously in his seat.

"I… I don’t want you to think…"

"Think what, Cas?" Dean asked impatiently when Cas didn’t continue. "Think that you’re weak because you need help? Of course I won’t think that." He was easily slipping into his old self. The one that hid John’s drinking from the neighbors, the one that beat Sammy’s bullies and got suspended for it, the one that did more than gardening for Mrs. Willis down the street to pay for dinner. The one that protected his family’s secrets and lives. The Dean that couldn’t, and wouldn’t, see a friend hurting and not do something about it.

Cas was looking strangely at him, a look that Dean couldn’t interpret but he held his friend’s stare and Cas eventually nodded.

"I don't want you to think I’m a slut."

Dean frowned. "We’ve already talked about—"

"But I am."

Dean sat in stunned silence, probably longer than was proper, just meeting Cas’ unwavering gaze. What the hell was the guy talking about?

"Um…" Dean started after a while and the sound seemed to break Cas out of his own trance. Dean blinked dumbly as Cas sighed and leaned his face in his hands, elbows propped against the table.

"And I’m stupid. So stupid." He muttered, face hidden, but Dean heard him all the same. "I really like Fergus and he likes it when I sleep with other men while he watches. So I do, no matter what I feel about it. Sometimes those other men get a little…" he sighed again, shakily. "_Aggressive_. Fergus always stops them but I’m too afraid to tell my friends and brother that I sleep around for my boyfriend’s pleasure that I let them think he’s the one hitting me when he isn’t." He looked up then and Dean was startled to see Cas’ brilliant blues full of unshed tears. " He _isn’t_."

" I…" Dean just stared at Cas, unable to form a single coherent thought at the moment. That was _a lot_ more information than he had anticipated. Cas broke down crying then, obviously thinking Dean’s reaction was a negative one and Dean didn’t even think. He just got out of his chair and rounded the table to sit beside Cas, pulling him into a one-armed hug. It wasn’t until Cas turned to place his face against Dean’s chest that Dean thought to look around them. Thankfully the cafeteria was pretty much abandoned by now and when he glanced at the clock he saw that the time was well into homeroom but he just swallowed and patted Cas awkwardly on his shaking shoulder.

Cas wasn’t all out bawling but he was sniffling enough to get a wet spot on Dean’s tee. And he startled when he noticed, drawing back from Dean with a little frown.

"Sorry." He mumbled and reached for the napkins. Dean caught them first, however, and handed them to Cas.

"No problem, man." Dean said and felt foolish for some fucked up reason. He watched in silence as Cas wiped his tears away, wincing yet again when he accidentally touched his cheek. Dean frowned and gripped Cas’ chin lightly to turn his head and look at the welt. It looked clean but fuck, it contrasted so harshly with Cas’ otherwise pale complexion that it made Dean’s stomach churn.

"I didn’t mean to cry." Cas mumbled and Dean released his grip when he realized he was still holding Cas’ face. "Now I feel even more pathetic."

Dean’s frown deepened. "Don’t."

"What?"

"Don’t feel pathetic. And I’m sorry Cas, but I still don’t like that Crowley dude." He met Cas’ eyes but Cas didn’t look like he was going to argue so Dean decided to plunge ahead. "If you’re both into what you’re doing it’s fine, I’m not judging. But it doesn’t sound like you like it." He fixated Cas with his best serious stare. "Do you?"

Cas lowered his gaze. "No." He answered lowly and Dean nodded even though Cas couldn’t see it.

"Have you told him?"

"Yes."

"And he still makes you do it?"

Cas made a little grimace. "He doesn’t _make_ me, he just…" Cas looked up. " I just don’t want to disappoint him anymore."

Fuck, Dean was getting seriously angry by now. "Is that why he left you before? Because you wouldn’t sleep with someone else?"

Cas looked away again. "Yes." He answered weakly.

"Fucking hell, Cas." Dean said heatedly and grabbed Cas’ upper arms. "That’s not okay. You don’t deserve that." Cas looked at Dean then but his jaw was clenched and that was never a good sign. "You… You should be with someone who wants the same things as you." Dean finished lamely.

"I know." Cas answered after a moment in silence, his voice oddly thick. "But I really like him."

"Even though he makes you feel like a dirty slut?" oh boy, Cas looked like he was about to cry again but Dean had always been a tough love kind of guy. "The first thing you told me was that you didn’t sleep with just anyone with a dick, was that a lie?"

Okay, that was definitely pushing it. Cas’ eyes brimmed with tears again and Dean’s heart melted. Fuck, the only one that had managed to make Dean’s tough act break before was Sammy and that was a whole different matter. Dean felt strange all over, his hair was on edge and his mouth was dry but he did his best not to show it.

"No." Cas answered, his voice strained with barely contained tears. "No, I don’t want to. I just… I don’t know what…"

"Hey." Dean said softly and drew Cas in against his chest, hugging him properly this time. It felt really weird to be hugging a guy like this but Dean did his best to suppress the feeling in favor of supporting his friend. Cas at least didn’t cry this time but he rested snugly against Dean and Dean soothed his hands up and down his friend’s back. "It’s okay. I think… I mean, I think you should stop if you don't like it but no one’s going to hate you for doing it." He managed to chuckle a little, desperate to change the mood even if it meant having to expose himself. "Actually you and I might have more in common than you think."

Cas turned his head up. "How do you mean?"

Dean was suddenly a little uncomfortable with how close they were but managed to overlook it. "Well, you may be a slut for your boyfriend but I was a whore back in Lawrence." He said it with a smile but the words made him feel a little dead inside.

Boy, he had never told anyone about that. Not even Sammy knew for sure although the kid was smart enough to know that food didn’t just materialize out of thin air. He had never said anything though and Dean had vowed to not ever think about it again and yet here he was.

Cas frowned but still didn’t pull away. "What are you talking about?"

"Well," Dean swallowed and shifted a little, unable to meet his friend’s eyes. "Dad was pretty much useless when it came to parenting and what little money he got us didn’t last very long. I managed to get some odd jobs now and then but…" he cleared his throat. "But nothing paid for dinner quite like sex."

Cas didn’t gasp, he didn’t pull away and he didn’t say anything condescending. Dean was prepared for the worst because he had been beating himself up over this for quite some time but Cas just sat there, still in Dean’s arms and not even tense. When Dean chanced to look down he saw that Cas was gnawing at his lower lip, obviously deep in thought.

"Hey." Dean mumbled. "Say something." He didn’t know why but he fucking couldn’t take it if Cas or any of his newfound friends rejected him because of this. He shouldn’t have said anything. This was going to ruining everything.

_I like you Dean._

Cas met Dean’s eyes then and Dean almost choked. "Thank you for telling me." Cas said earnestly. "It couldn’t have been easy for you. Doing that and telling me. I’m sorry you had to go through something like that." Dean just pfft’d like it was nothing but stopped when Cas’ hand fisted in Dean’s tee. "And it puts my problem at perspective."

"I… Well, I didn’t mean it like that." Dean grinned but it felt awkward and Cas was pulling out of his embrace. He didn’t look angry though.

"No, but you’re right." He shook his head. "I should deal with this, I should talk to Fergus and…" he paused to swallow hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing and Dean licked his lips nervously, watching the motion. "Just don't tell the others." Cas suddenly smiled a little sadly.

Dean smiled shakily back. "Yeah, of course not. You too."

Cas nodded, his smile spreading and it started to look warmer. "Our secrets."

"Yeah."

Cas suddenly bent closer and hugged Dean briefly, strangely formal after their resent embrace. "Thank you Dean, for listening and for helping me."

Dean just patted him awkwardly on the back, a little taken aback with the distanced hug. "Sure, no problem. Just don’t get hurt again, okay?"

Cas smiled wide at him and again it felt too blinding to look at. "Okay."

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so apparently I don’t really have the definition of "slow" quite right…

  
  


Man, Gabe had managed to stay mad for over a week and it was actually a little heart-wrenching to watch because he would sometimes forget that he was mad and then Cas would walk into the room and he would get angry again, almost as if Cas was the one causing Gabe to see red. Only it wasn’t, of course, but none of their other friends knew the reason for Cas’ injury. Dean certainly hadn’t told anyone and didn’t really get a chance to bring it up again with Cas what with everyone following everyone around all day. Lisa was almost always at Dean’s side, too, so that made it even harder for him to get alone time with Cas.

He had asked briefly, though, and Cas had said that he was fine. And the welt was healing very nicely so Dean had dropped it at that. Gabe was on a whole other level, though, and Dean was happy that that Crowley guy went to college because if he had been a high school student like them and had been around all day they might have been dealing with assault charges by now. Not that Dean didn’t think Crowley very well deserved some beating for treating Cas like some kind of toy but still, if Cas was to be believed Crowley did try to stop those other guys from beating Cas and Dean believed Cas.

It still didn’t make him think any higher of the bloke, though, and what happened at the party this weekend only made him think even less of Crowley.

It was a good party. Some poor dude had accidentally mentioned to his friends that his parents would be out of town so naturally the whole high school invited themselves, beer kegs and everything. Dean liked these kinds of parties and there were plenty of them in Sioux Falls.

He was drunk now, well into the night, drunk and happy and looking for Lisa because she had smirked at him, wriggled her hips and whispered dirty nonsense in his ear while they were dancing back when he’d been less drunk. That was a while ago, though, and he had since then been enjoying a game of beer pong, which he and Benny mastered easily, and played wingman for Garth which unfortunately ended a little weirdly when the girl got a little too attached to Dean. That was when he’d thought to find Lisa again.

He was on the top floor now, hardly any memory of how he got there, and was contemplating calling her phone when he spotted that overly clingy girl Garth had pawned off on Dean. In sheer drunken desperation — not something he was proud of — he opened the closest door and slid inside the room, closing the door behind him and breathing out a sigh of relief. Safe.

"Hey there."

Dean startled and looked around, almost immediately spotting a man sitting on the edge of the only bed in the room. Between his legs sat another man and it took Dean only about a split second to realize that he once again had walked in on Cas and Crowley doing something nasty.

He was too drunk to react properly, though, and when Crowley stroked Cas’ head Cas poked up from between his lover’s legs and smiled droopily at Dean.

"Dean." Cas said dreamily, his voice definitely more gravelly than usual and Dean was immediately clear on why, what with Crowley’s dick all slick and hard inches from Cas’ wet and slightly swollen lips.

"Yes," Crowley said gruffly and kept petting Cas. "Dean is here to watch us again, would you like that dove?"

Cas hummed thoughtfully and massaged Crowley’s inner thighs. Fuck, Dean was uncomfortable but unable to move. "What’s wrong with him?" he asked and surprised himself with how sober his voice sounded.

"I’m drunk." Cas stated happily and smiled widely at Dean as if to show him that that was okay.

"Less chatting, Cassie." Crowley mumbled and Cas bobbed his head in consent before bending down and deepthroating Crowley’s rather impressive hard-on without a second thought. "Bloody hell." Crowley groaned and leaned back a little, meeting Dean’s stunned eyes. "He’s good." He clarified as if Dean needed to know that.

Cas had his hands placed on Crowley’s hips but apparently did nothing to hinder the other man from bucking up against his face. Rather, he seemed to enjoy being held still while Crowley slowly fucked his face. Dean watched, tantalized, as Cas snaked his tongue around Crowley’s hard dick, lapping at the head, sucking on the upstroke, cradling the man’s balls, slicking them with excess saliva. It was…

Fuck, it was the hottest blow-job Dean had ever seen. His mouth felt as dry as Cas’ was wet.

Suddenly one of Cas’ hands disappeared from Crowley’s lap and shortly after Cas moaned so deeply that Crowley’s hips stuttered. Dean licked his lips unconsciously and edged a little closer to see what was going on and he nearly choked on his own spit when he noticed that Cas was bucking his still clothed crotch against his own hand.

"That’s right, love." Crowley muttered but when Dean looked up he saw that the older man was looking at Dean, smirking. "See how much he likes sucking cock?" he asked and Dean swallowed dryly. "I’m sure he’d do you too, if you wanted him to. Wouldn’t you, Cassie?"

Cas didn’t answer but he _groaned_ deeply and spread his legs as best he could, practically fucking down on his own hand and sinking down Crowley’s dick to bury his nose in the man’s coarse pubes.

" Fucking hell." Crowley growled and bucked his hips harder up against Cas’ mouth. "You’re eager." He snagged his hand in Cas’ hair, pulling a little and eliciting another groan from Cas. "Gonna come, love, you gonna swallow it all in front of your pretty friend?"

Cas moaned and it sounded so wanton that Dean actually physically jerked back, finally gaining some sobriety through his drunken haze.

"I-I…" he sputtered and made for the door without a coherent thought in his head.

"What’s wrong?" He heard Crowley laugh after him, obviously amused but Dean didn’t turn around, didn’t stop, just barreled through the door and downstairs where he thankfully found Lisa immediately.

"Hey sweetie." She smiled and snaked her arms around his neck to pull him down to kiss him. His response was a little stilted, he knew and she noticed too. "Are you okay?"

He cleared his throat and looked behind him as if he was expecting Crowley or Cas to follow him but no, of course not. They were occupied as it was, probably dealing with Cas’ obvious hard-on by now. He looked down at Lisa’s concerned face and wanted to say _no, I’m not okay_. He didn’t trust his own reactions and blamed the beer.

" Can we get out of here?" he asked instead and she smiled and nodded eagerly, obviously thinking much sexier thoughts than he.

She led him outside, only stopping twice to say goodbye to some friends and to Bela, Dean glancing about himself at every turn. When they stepped outside he felt a little better, inhaling the crisp night air. What the hell had he been thinking staying and looking like that? Like some kind of idiot that had never seen a blow-job before. Fuck, he was a tool. He shook his head and followed willingly when Lisa dragged him to his Baby.

They were both too drunk to drive but neither was too drunk to fall into the backseat and paw at each other, lips locked and Lisa’s legs wrapped around Dean’s rolling hips. It felt… Yes, this felt good. He was a little distracted at the beginning but Lisa was eager to get him back on track, obviously figuring his confusion was due to his drinking and it wasn’t far from the truth.

He got with the program when she pulled her top off and her breasts bounced into Dean’s narrow view. She had on a white lace bra that he wanted to rip off but he refrained, only kneading her round breasts gently as he kissed her and she seemed to approve. It had been a while for Dean since he had last been with anyone but this he was certain of. Sex was easy, just primal urges and no confusion. Best just let his body do the talking and it always seemed to work.

Lisa’s hands were travelling down his back and on their way up again she bunched up his shirt and he let her pull it off. She gasped a little when their skin touched and she seemed to like feeling his muscles ripple. Dean smirked in self-satisfaction. He knew he was good-looking and he liked the attention.

With strong hands he gripped her hips to pull their crotches closer together, groaning brokenly at the friction. "Feels so good, Lis." He mumbled against her neck, sniffing and nipping at her smooth skin.

"Oh, Dean." She whimpered and hugged him closer as she met his thrusts and he imagined he could feel her getting wet for him, even through all layers of clothing. It made him feel empowered, hearing her say his name like that. "We-we can’t do it here, can we?"

Suddenly that was all he wanted. He wanted to press her down and fuck her. God, he hadn’t had a good fuck in so long. But that wasn’t what Lisa really wanted, Dean could hear that in her voice, and Dean was really trying to start over here in Sioux Fall. Trying to be proper.

He swallowed and looked up. The windows of the Impala were slightly fogged over but they were still parked just outside the house the party was at and anyone looking inside the car would probably be able to see them.

"No." He admitted. "We shouldn’t." He had barely stopped moving even while he was contemplating and it was with surprising strength that he managed to pull off her and sit back against the door.

She looked almost sympathetically at his strained face and then down at his very obvious hard-on. "I could suck you." She offered. "I started this but I…" she looked up at the windows and obviously thought about the same thing as he. "But I don’t want this here. You look like you’re hurting though."

He smiled at her and gestured for her to come closer and when she did he pulled her into his lap, to straddle him. Yet again he was impressed with himself when he managed both not to groan and not to buck up against her.

"‘S okay, Lis." He mumbled and they kissed lazily. He had meant for it to stop there but they were both still pretty drunk so of course it didn’t.

She started rolling her hips down against his dick and he gripped her tight, at first to stop her but fuck if he did. Now he did groan for real and when she pressed her hand down between them to massage his dick he smacked his head back against the window.

"Fuck, I’m gonna blow if you don’t stop." He muttered and thrust up hard enough for her to bounce in his lap.

"You look hot like this." She stated and leaned in to breathe against his ear.

"Shit, Lis…" despite being too drunk to fucking leave the room when someone else was getting a blow-job he was fast approaching release. The heat in his body traveler fast and unyielding and the coil in his stomach tightened with every breath, every press.

"Are you sure you don’t want me to suck it?" she mumbled, her lips pressing against his ear and unbidden images of Cas on his knees flooded Dean’s mind at her words, making him nearly fucking whimper.

That sure as hell wasn’t what he wanted to think about right now. And as Lisa’s breath puffed against his ear he definitely didn’t want to think about Cas moaning with a dick in his mouth. Definitely didn’t want to think about Cas spreading his legs like that. Cas touching himself while giving head. Cas not blanching at the thought of sucking Dean.

_I like you Dean._

"_Fuck_." He growled and all but ripped Lisa off his lap. His dick quivered and he felt enough pre-come leak out to nearly constitute as coming but he held it off with a hand around his base. He released his grip on Lisa immediately, fearing he had hurt her but when he met her gaze she just looked surprised and then smug.

" Were you gonna come, Dean?" she asked, her voice so sultry that it made Dean shiver.

"I…" he swallowed hard when she crawled back into his lap but thankfully avoided his dick. She kissed him slowly and he breathed a little huff of relief when she sat back again after. "Not in the car, not here."

She nodded. "Wanna come home with me?"

His chest felt oddly tight. "Shit, Lisa I’m too drunk. I don’t wanna hump you twice and then fall asleep."

She blinked in surprise and then actually laughed. "You’re so sweet." She laughed even harden when all he did was blink at her. "It’s fine, Dean." She leaned in and pecked him on the lips. "I’m gonna call my ride, do you want a lift?"

"Y-yeah." He mumbled, feeling oddly embarrassed. What the hell had happened to the Dean that fucking knew sex? He was acting like a goddamn virgin all of a sudden and why the hell had he been honest with her? Even Lisa seemed surprised at that.

It was the alcohol, he decided as he stood outside the Impala and waited for Lisa to finish her call. The alcohol made him dizzy and it impaired with his judgement. It made his tongue loose and his mind wander. Nothing else.

His body was humming all the way home and when he had waved Lisa off he went inside to have the hottest shower in a while and the fastest wank since he first discovered his dick. It made him feel much better about not going home with Lisa. No matter how embarrassing his sudden spout of honesty had been, finishing prematurely would have been worse.

Because he knew sex. He didn’t screw that up. Sex was easy and uncomplicated. So very uncomplicated.

  


*****

  


Okay, so the following few days were a bit tense for Dean. Lisa didn’t seem to think twice about his behavior, Bobby and Sam hadn’t even seemed to notice Dean’s state of mind — other than his hang-over — and Cas had apparently been too drunk to remember Dean even entering that room. But Dean remembered. Dean remembered _everything_ and it made him uncomfortable. He was uncertain if it was because of what he had seen or because he had seen it at all. It certainly had nothing to do with what had happened, or not happened, with Lisa. Nothing.

He was just awkward in Cas’ presence. No one seemed to notice, except Cas, of fucking course, but he just raised his eyebrows at Dean and when Dean shook his head Cas seemed to drop it. Dean loved how Cas didn’t always need an explanation.

Dean eventually got over his awkwardness, though, but he still avoided getting blow-jobs from Lisa. She didn’t seem to mind not to have to and whatever he did with his mouth on her seemed to get her worked up enough to forget everything else. But fuck, he wanted in by now. She was willing, he had no doubt, but he was still unsure of how to proceed with this. Bela and Benny teased Dean by calling Lisa his girlfriend when she wasn’t around but it just made him uneasy. What was she to him anyway? He knew he wanted to have sex with her and she was fun to hang around but so was everyone else. He was starting to think he would have to make a decision soon or risk destroying what friendships he had managed to build.

Today was a Saturday and Dean was out on a jog. He liked to keep in good condition but he didn’t like to play soccer like Sammy so he had just opted to run the tracks in the woods. Bobby hadn’t said anything but Dean thought that it was better for them if Dean didn’t participate in organized sports. It was expensive and even though John actually had had a good life insurance Dean knew that Bobby didn’t like them using that money.

So Dean went for jogs instead and it was nice. It left him alone with his thoughts and he usually liked that. Today his mind strayed too much, though, so he kept running deeper into the woods, almost as if to get away from himself. He didn’t like what he was like right now. He had wanted to get more proper here in Sioux Falls but he was starting to think he was turning into a wuss.

Turning and twisting on the narrow tracks he soon found himself at the make-out point. He stopped and looked around, pulling slightly at the collar of his somewhat sweaty tee. The sun was shining but it was pleasantly cool beneath the trees. He heard birds now that he had stopped and to his right he heard rustling in the undergrowth. It felt serene.

It wasn’t, however, what had caught his attention.

Parked at the make-out point was a beige Lincoln which he recognized immediately. There was only one person at school who drove a car like that and he at first smiled, but then remembered who Cas probably was here with. He scowled when he remembered the other two times and he didn’t want to witness anything else but for him to continue he would have to go past the car. Or he could go back. He glanced over his shoulder and sighed when he realized he had already made up his mind.

First of all he didn’t want to take the same route back home and secondly he kind of wanted to make sure Cas was okay. Crowley seemed to have a knack for putting Cas in a slightly depressed mood and Dean wasn’t really sure Cas had talked to his boyfriend about sleeping with other guys. What if Cas was with someone else right now and it had gone south? The car was conspicuously still. Yeah, he just wanted to make sure Cas was okay.

He kept his distance, though, not wanting to see too much of his friend but as he got close enough to glance inside he saw only one person sitting there, hunched over at the wheel. Okay, that didn’t look good. He didn’t even have to make up his mind; he was already at the door and knocking on the window before he had time to think about this.

Cas startled and turned a red and teary face up to look at Dean. When he recognized Dean he made such a pained face Dean’s heart clenched. He didn’t open the door, however, just turned back and hid his face against the wheel again.

"Oh, hell no." Dean muttered and looked at the locks. All doors were unlocked and he considered just yanking this one open but opted against it. Cas was obviously sad and in Dean’s mind he was fragile enough as it was. Instead he sighed and walked around the car.

Cas definitely jumped high when Dean opened the door on the passenger side and slid in before slamming the door shut.

"Dean!" he exclaimed and uselessly tried to wipe his face, as if Dean cared about that. "What are you doing?"

He caught Cas’ wrists to stop the smaller boy from rubbing his face raw. "What happened, Cas? Do I need to beat up Crowley?"

Cas actually laughed a little at that, a bubbling little half-laugh but it made Dean frown. "No, please don’t."

"Cas." Dean sighed and absentmindedly rubbed the insides of Cas’ wrists with his thumbs. "What’s wrong?"

"I…" Cas cleared his throat and turned more fully to Dean but still avoided looking him in the eye. "We talked about me not wanting to sleep around and…" he bit his lower lip like Dean had noticed him doing while thinking.

"And he broke up with you." Dean finished, already pretty clear on where this was going.

Cas broke down crying again, curling in on himself and Dean couldn’t fucking take it. He never wanted Cas to look like this. He slid closer on the seat and pulled Cas up against his chest, very aware that he was sweaty but Cas didn’t seem to mind. He just fisted Dean’s tee and pressed his face against the crook of Dean’s neck.

Dean gritted his teeth. Fuck that Crowley. Why the hell was Cas in love with him in the first place? He just treated Cas like shit anyway. Maybe he should feel awkward about sitting here with Cas like this but he for some reason didn’t. All he knew was that his friend needed comfort.

"I shouldn’t have said anything." Cas mumbled through sniffles and Dean unconsciously hugger him closer.

"Goddamnit, Cas." He muttered but startlingly enough felt more sad than angry. "You shouldn’t have been with him in the first place."

"But he made me happy."

"When?"

Cas just sighed a little and his breath puffed against Dean’s sweaty throat. Goosebumps formed in its wake but Dean didn’t say anything.

"I just wish I had done things differently." Cas mumbled and Dean couldn’t help but notice his lips almost touching Dean’s skin.

"Forget about him now." Dean muttered and surprised himself by petting Cas’ head. His fingers slid easily through Cas’ surprisingly soft hair but they almost immediately caught on something. He turned Cas’ head and looked down only to find two hairpins nestled at Cas’ left temple. He frowned confusedly down at them and wondered why he hadn’t seen them when he first knocked on the window.

"What?" Cas mumbled but didn’t seem to mind Dean rifling through his hair.

"What’s this?" Dean asked and poked at one of the pins. They both had a yellow blob with black stripes attached at the ends and he wondered if it was some kind of abstract art or some shit.

Cas actually laughed slightly and pulled out of Dean’s embrace. Dean was left feeling oddly cold but he chalked it up to being sweaty in the chill air. Cas reached up and pulled the pins free, holding them in his up-turned palm.

"Fergus got these for me when we started dating. I had longer bangs then and it got in my eyes when I—" he met Dean’s eyes and blushed slightly, making Dean immediately understand that he didn’t need to hear more about that. "They got in my eyes." Cas finished lamely and Dean nodded, opting to look down at the pins instead. "Fergus always said I’m kind of girly so they would fit me and I don’t mind. I just…" he swallowed. "I put these on when I feel sad."

Dean nodded but kind of wanted to throw the pins away, maybe bury them deep out in the woods so Cas wouldn’t have to look at them.

"What are these?" he asked and pointed at the yellow blobs.

Cas chuckled. "Bees."

"What? How the hell are those bees?"

"Look, they’re yellow and have black stripes."

Dean pursed his lips in thought. "Still…"

They sat in silence for a while and Dean considered how Crowley must have seemed to Cas in the beginning of their relationship.

"I love bees." Cas stated suddenly and nodded when Dean just looked at him stupidly. "So Fergus bought me hairpins with bees on them because… Because…" his voice wavered and Dean had comforted Sammy enough when they were smaller to know what that meant. He pulled Cas into a new embrace just as the smaller boy started crying again.

"Okay." Dean mumbled and unconsciously stroked Cas’ hair again. "Okay, that was considerate of him but you know what? He still turned out to be a douche, Cas. You shouldn’t be sad about him anymore, okay?"

Cas just cried harder and clenched his fist around the hairpins. Dean didn’t know what to do. He had never felt the woes of heartbreak and he had never had to comfort someone who had. And besides, this Crowley guy so clearly didn’t deserve Cas’ tears anyway. It was almost ridiculous to Dean for Cas to be crying over him.

Again he felt the urge to throw the pins away and again he refrained. Instead he just pulled Cas closer and it was only when Cas’ legs touched Dean’s that he caught himself. Sure, Cas was his friend and Cas was somewhat more girly than Dean’s other male friends but he was still a guy. Dean suddenly felt uncomfortable but he tried to suppress it.

"It’s okay." He mumbled and didn’t really know if he was ensuring himself or Cas. "You’re okay."

They sat for much longer than Dean would have thought possible. Even after Cas stopped crying Dean held him and Cas just rested against Dean, probably deep in thought but Dean found that the longer they sat there the lesser he minded. When they eventually pulled apart Cas gave him an apologetic smile and offered to drive Dean home.

It wasn’t until Dean got home that he noticed that he had been gone for hours when he had told Bobby he’d probably only be out for one hour, maybe less. Bobby was upset, Dean could tell, and Dean really wanted to enjoy the almost-yelling that Bobby gave him. Wanted to enjoy the feeling of finally being parented but couldn’t because all he could think about was Cas’ sad face and those god-awful hairpins. Cas had said he put them on when he was sad, presumably because they made him happy but Dean wasn’t so sure about that. He still wanted to fucking break those pins. Goddamn Crowley.

  


*****

  


To say that everyone else were sad that Cas and Crowley had broken up would honestly be the biggest lie of the year. Bela and Lisa had to hide their smiles and Benny actually high-fived Garth behind Cas’ back. Dean didn’t know what to think about that. He understood that they hadn’t liked the relationship, that they had thought Crowley had been hurting Cas more than anything else but he still thought they were celebrating a little too much. The break-up still hurt Cas and Dean could clearly see it written on his paler than normal face.

Still, their friends were rather tactful and they understood that Cas was sad even though they thought it was for the best so they comforted Cas the best they could. Gabriel, however, laughed elatedly and slapped Cas on the back. Dean got why but he didn’t like how Cas just pressed his lips together and didn’t hug his brother back.

"Relax, honey." Lisa mumbled in his ear and he was surprised to find himself watching Cas with tense shoulders. "We’ll make him happy again."

"Yeah." He muttered. "Whatever."

Because obviously he couldn’t say anything else. Why the hell was he even caring so much? Maybe because he had sat with Cas in the car, maybe because he had seen him in such a vulnerable state. Maybe because he knew about Cas’ and Crowley’s sexual history. He didn’t know and he kind of wanted to talk to someone about it but he couldn’t. Those conversations were between him and Cas and no one else.

"I promise." Lisa answered and Dean was startled out of his thoughts.

He smiled at her and threw his arm around her to hug her closer in their seats at the back of the classroom. Cas was sitting a few rows in front of them and was listening intently to the lecture. Outwardly he didn’t look very different now that a few days had gone by but Dean could still see the hurt in his eyes.

"Yeah," he mumbled against Lisa’s hair. "Do whatever you girls do to feel better after a break-up. Ice cream or something."

Lisa giggled. "You’ve watched too much F.R.I.E.N.D.S."

He just smiled at her. When he looked up again he noticed Cas looking at the two of them. He nodded a little in greeting and Cas actually quirked his lips in a little smile.

  


*****

  


Turned out the best way to deal with a broken heart, if the girls were to be believed, was to have a party. And that this happened to coincide with Cas’ birthday was just another perk.

It was now three weeks later and Cas actually seemed to be handling everything pretty well. It probably helped that the rest of them pretty much had stopped talking about Crowley, almost as if he had never existed and even though it sometimes felt a little creepy Dean agreed with their method. Better not to bring it up if Cas didn’t want to. And he sure seemed happy just hanging with his friends, eating out, playing games at home, going to the movies. Benny, Garth and Dean had invited him when they went to see the newest and goriest horror movie and although both Benny and Garth were certain Cas would decline he surprised them by accepting. That he spent most of the movie with his hands in front of his face and twice accidentally squeezed Dean’s arm was nothing they mentioned to the other two.

They had managed to rent the Roadhouse for the party on the premise that they only drink what Ellen, the owner, prepared for them and that they didn’t drive home themselves. It seemed a pretty good deal and Dean later learned it was because Ellen had made the huge mistake of trusting Gabe because he was of legal age.

It started out a nice little party, celebrating Cas and having cake. There were no gifts because Cas had explicitly said no. Had said that he only wanted a party and to have fun so that was what they gave him. It started out nice but more people dropped by as the evening progressed and it got rowdier. It was still a good kind of rowdiness, however, and the renting contract was in Gabe’s name so Dean would be damned if he wasn’t going to enjoy himself.

Except he had kind of screwed himself out of that one. Oh, he had fun alright. Drinking, dancing, eating, making out with Lisa. But under it all he was so anxious he could practically hear his pulse in his ears. Because Cas had said no. He didn’t want any presents.

That hadn’t stopped Dean from buying one though. It had, however, stopped him from giving it to Cas yesterday in school, on his actual birthday. And it had stopped him from giving it to Cas anytime during the day before the party. And it sure as fuck had stopped him from giving it to Cas before Dean got this goddamn plastered.

Because why the hell, Winchester? Why had he bought a birthday present to someone who didn’t want one? To a guy, nonetheless? Fuck, the little box was burning a hole in his jeans pocket as he sat at the bar, downing much more than the light beer Ellen had put out.

The whisky was burning his throat and he had used it for a while to distract himself from the box. Lisa had almost noticed it when they were dancing but he had just laughed at her trailing hands and kissed her. She was a good distraction and God knew he needed one. He shouldn’t have bought anything and he sure as hell shouldn’t have brought it here. Goddamnit, he was such an idiot.

He swerved around on the bar stool and looked around for Lisa, needing the distraction back. She was nowhere to be seen, however, and it wasn’t that surprising. The Roadhouse was by now packed with their peers and it was hard for Dean to spot even one person he knew.

Except Cas, of course. Cas stood out like a goddamn beacon.

He was standing further down the bar, talking to a guy Dean believed was called Balthazar and that he knew was in Cas’ art club. He had seen them together at school too and they seemed to be good friends. Cas was laughing and touching Balthazar’s arm and Balthazar was smiling down at Cas, eyes glinting. It looked like…

Dean didn’t think. Just downed the last of his whisky and was up on his feet with surprising steadiness before he even registered what he was doing. But there was no turning back now. He had bought the stupid gift and he needed to give it to Cas. Needed to do it now.

Cas turned when Dean put a hand on his shoulder. "Dean." He exclaimed and sounded happy. It kind of reminded Dean of what Cas had sounded like at that other party, poking up from between Crowley’s legs.

"Hiya." He mumbled, his words decidedly slurred.

"This is Balthazar." Cas said and gestured at the other guy.

Balthazar extended a hand and Dean shook it, suddenly very aware that his other hand still was on Cas’ shoulder. "Hi, mate." Balthazar said with a happy smile and goddamnit, this guy sounded British too. Did Cas have a thing for that type or something? It made Dean grit his teeth.

"Hi." He muttered, decidedly less enthusiastic, and turned to Cas. "Can I talk to you?"

"Of course, Dean." Cas answered with such honesty that Dean’s heart clenched for some fucked up reason.

"Ah, out…" Dean glanced at the door marked _private_ that he knew led deeper inside the building. " Somewhere else?"

Cas immediately caught his gaze and nodded. "Sure." He excused himself from Balthazar and turned to make his way through the throngs of people. Balthazar’s expression was neutral but Dean still took drunken, smug satisfaction at being prioritized.

It was only when they reached the door and Cas paused to open it that Dean noticed how he had been holding on to the hem of Cas’ shirt. He immediately snatched his hand away and Cas didn’t even seem to have noticed.

They entered the hall behind the door and Cas led them into what Dean supposed was the office. They weren’t really supposed to be in here, Dean knew, but he was too drunk to care about that and apparently so was Cas, even though he seemed much more sober than Dean.

Cas turned expectantly to Dean when they had closed the door and Dean’s mouth went dry. This was so stupid. Cas had said no. He didn’t want anything for his birthday. Dean was so stupid.

"Dean." Cas laughed after a moment. "Are you drunk?"

"Aren’t you?"

"Yeah, but I think you’re worse." Cas smiled his big smile and Dean’s knees trembled.

He leaned his back against the wall and pulled the small box out of his pocket. Without thinking he thrust his hand at Cas. "I know you said we shouldn’t buy you anything but I did anyway." He blurted out and Cas’ eyebrows shot to the ceiling. "It…" he cleared his throat when Cas gingerly accepted the little box but he couldn’t fucking continue. He felt so goddamn foolish. The box was wrapped in a shiny, pinkish paper and it had had a little bow on it that Dean for some reason had plucked off before Bobby or Sam saw it.

"Dean." Cas said, voice low as he looked at the gift, a smile slowly spreading on his face. "You shouldn’t have."

"I know." Dean huffed. "I know but it’s nothing much. I just… I just saw this and I thought of you so…" it was such a lie. As if he hadn’t been looking. As if he hadn’t been to three different stores at the mall before finally breaking down and asking the cashier for help. As if he hadn’t been standing there, like a doofus, trying to decide between the two options she had picked out for him. As if he hadn’t blushed like a goddamn virgin when he’d had to tell her that no, it wasn’t for his girlfriend.

Cas was still just staring at the box in his hands and it made Dean uncomfortable.

"Actually," he mumbled drunkenly and plucked the box back. "Actually, you know what? It… You don’t… I shouldn’t have…" Cas was just looking at Dean with such an open expression that Dean couldn’t fucking take it. He felt like he could say anything and Cas would just accept it and it made Dean feel queasy. He gave the box back and Cas’ smile was blinding. "Sorry, happy birthday." Dean slurred and looked away as Cas slowly began unwrapping the box.

He glanced back when he heard Cas pausing and saw that the other boy was reading the label on the black box. Fuck, Cas would definitely know what store it was from and it wasn’t a store where guys bought presents for other guys, that much was clear. But Cas didn’t flinch away or say anything. He just folded the wrapping paper and put it in his pocket before gently lifting the lid of the box.

He definitely gasped then and Dean wanted to hide, he was so embarrassed. Cas looked up at Dean, stunned, and then back down again.

"D-Dean." He stuttered and plucked up one of the two hairpins. It was slim and longer than the ones Crowley had gotten him. They were made to look as if they were solid gold and at the end of them sat a little bee. Not a yellow blob like on the pins Dean hated, but actual life-like bees, intricate patterns on their wings, six little legs and everything. They, too, were fake-gold plated but it was clear what they were anyway, even without any stupid black stripes.

"Yeah." Dean said after a moment when all Cas did was study the bee closely. "S-see, those other pins you had were butt ugly. And… And you said you wore them when you were sad but I kinda thought they would make you even sadder now that he dumped you and…" he swallowed hard when Cas looked up to meet Dean’s eyes. "And I want you to be happy, or whatever." He scratched the back of his head and took the opportunity to look down at the floor. Anything to not have to meet Cas’ intense stare. "So you can… You can wear these instead. If you want to. And they have bees on them too, so…" fuck, he needed to stop talking. He was drunk but not drunk enough to realize he was making a fool of himself.

When he looked up he saw that Cas was staring down at the pins, eyes shiny with what Dean supposed were tears. He tensed up immediately. Fuck, he hadn’t screwed up too much, had he?

"I love them." Cas whispered then, reverently, and Dean slumped back against the wall, suddenly feeling elated enough to fly.

"Yeah?"

Cas put the pin back in the box and closed the lid. He smiled as he stepped up to Dean. "I love them." He repeated in a firmer voice and Dean managed to smile back.

Then Cas’ arms were suddenly around Dean’s neck and there was nothing weird about that. Just a thank you-hug. Nothing weird at all.

Except Cas stepped even closer and Dean pulled him up against his chest, their thighs slotting between the other’s legs. Cas’ cheek was surprisingly soft against Dean’s neck and Dean’s hands traveled on their own accord, one to cradle Cas’ head and the other down to the small of Cas’ back. He pressed Cas closer, almost hitching him up Dean’s body and Cas sighed contentedly. Dean felt the breath of air against his neck and it made a small shiver run through his body. He turned his head to rest against Cas’ hair, his scent filling Dean’s nostrils. Cas’ fingers curled against Dean’s neck.

It was… Fuck, it felt…

Then suddenly the door crashed open and Benny came tumbling in with Andrea, his latest love-interest. Cas was out of Dean’s arms before Benny even caught sight of them and it left Dean feeling oddly cold, just like the last time Cas had pulled out of their embrace.

"Hi, brother." Benny smirked when he saw Dean. "And Cas!" he laughed heartily and slapped Cas on the shoulder. "Helluva party."

Cas smiled. "I’m glad you’re having a good time."

"Yeah." Benny smirked wider when Andrea leaned on his arm, waving drunkenly at Dean and Cas. "And it’s gonna get even better." He waggled his eyebrows in a clear imitation of how Gabe did it and Cas laughed at him before turning to Dean.

"Shall we?" he asked and gestured to the door. Dean bobbed his head and followed Cas outside, not failing to notice how Benny and Andrea already had moved on to their intended activity.

Cas turned around in the hall when Dean had closed the door behind them. Dean stopped and only swayed a little. He noticed absentmindedly that Cas was clutching the box with the pins to his chest.

"Thank you Dean." Cas said earnestly and surprised Dean by leaning in and pecking Dean on the cheek. "Thank you."

Dean stood in the hall for a long while after Cas had left, his little kiss burning on Dean’s cheek and the sounds of Benny plowing Andrea echoing in his ears.

Then he snapped. He just fucking snapped and the next thing he knew was how he had Lisa pressed up against a wall in the storage closet, panting as he kissed her and how she moaned when he kneaded her ass.

"Fuck, Lis," he groaned and her hands travelled down his chest. "I’m so fucking drunk but I need you."

"Yes, Dean, yes." She moaned and jumped willingly when he lifted her, wrapping her legs around his hips and giving him opportunity to grind against her heat.

"Fuck, you smell so good." He growled as he thrust sharply. "I’m gonna come in my fucking pants."

For some reason that admission made her whine and throw her head back, baring her throat and Dean relished in the reaction. He bent forwards and nipped and licked her delicate skin as her hands clawed at his back. They were both drunk and this was really not what he had had in mind for the evening but fuck if he wanted to stop now. Lisa seemed on board with this, too, so who the fuck was he to complain?

"Do it, sweetie." She cooed in his ear and it made him groan deeply. "Come for me."

And Dean couldn’t have stopped that orgasm even if he had wanted to. His dick pulsed and it was almost painful to come so hard while still trapped in his pants but God, it felt _so good_. Lisa was warm, responsive and pressed up against him in such a lewd way that Dean never wanted to let go.

_I like you Dean._

" Fuck." He panted and sunk down on his knees in front of Lisa, vision blurry for some reason. "One of these days I’m gonna fuck you." He quickly unbuttoned her pants and pulled them down. She stepped out of them when he urged her too. "Soon, I’m gonna press inside you." She gasped sharply when he licked her slowly. "Claim you." He lifted one of her legs to rest it on his shoulder, giving him better access and she moaned high-pitched when he put his mouth back on her. "Gonna fuck you so good and you’re gonna love it."

_I like you Dean._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God, BlackDog, please don’t hate me but _this_ is what your wonderful ‘verse inspired for me! These scenes in the car and at the birthday party. I wrote them on a spur and I just kept building on them so they would make sense and now I can’t seem to stop...  
>  Please, please forgive me! m(_ _)m


	3. Chapter 3

  
  


Things were uncomfortable for Dean for a very long time after that party. He would act strangely around Cas and then catch himself and then try to act too normal. He was a mess. Because what the actual hell? Why had he given Cas those pins? Why had he hugged Cas back and why had it felt like it had been Dean that had held the hug for too long?

And why the hell did he dream of Cas breathing against his neck?

Dean sometimes couldn’t tear his eyes away from Cas’ lips. Those lips that had been pressed against Dean’s cheek for the briefest of moments. Such a chaste kiss, chaster even then what a child would give their mother’s cheek and yet... And yet Dean’s cheeks burned when he thought about it.

When Cas casually wore the pins to school for the first time Dean nearly had an aneurism. He managed to get Lisa to suck him off behind the bleachers that afternoon but still didn’t understand anything.

Time passed, though, as it is wont to do and Cas seemed to be very over Crowley by the time Christmas break reared itself. Their little gang celebrated by having a party and Dean took care to not get too drunk. And he hadn’t bought any fucking Christmas gifts and that was that. Lisa surprised him by giving him one and he got self-conscious about it but she assured him that it was okay that he didn’t have any for her. Somehow he thought that it wasn’t but he didn’t do anything about it.

He celebrated a much happier and guilt-free Christmas with Bobby and Sam the next day. They even went out and got themselves a tree and Bobby bought tinsels and lights for it for them to decorate. Dean felt childishly happy and even more so when Sam’s face lit up at the sight of their finished tree. Dean thought he saw a tear in Bobby’s eye but they both played it cool. 

He fucking finally had actual penetrative sex with Lisa on New Year’s, as cheesy as that sounded. And it was... It felt... Nice. Yeah, it was nice. A little boring, maybe, but safe and nice.

He was actually a little nervous because it had been so goddamn long with them just kissing and humping and licking each other that he thought he might come prematurely and embarrass himself to death. As it was he actually had a hard time coming at all. It was just that he was too focused on Lisa. Yeah. She didn’t know but he knew that he was actually quite good at this and he wanted to show her and at the same time he didn’t want to get too excited and ruin it. It was a balance and that was what kept his orgasm at bay. Nothing else.

She was warm around him, slick and willing, and she moaned beautifully. She moved in tandem with him and he panted into her neck but...

Oh, he liked it, he liked it very much but he supposed it was his anxiety and the fact that she kept talking. It was nice talk, praise and whatnot, but he kept focusing on it and all that thinking made it hard to concentrate. Or to let go. It was hard to tell what the factor was but the fact was that it took him so long to come that even Lisa looked questioningly at him. He fell over the edge shortly after, though, and she seemed to drop it.

After he had tied up the condom she snuggled closer and he shivered when he felt her breath against his sweaty neck. He could feel her already dozing off but he felt oddly taut.

When she spoke her lips grazed his heated skin and he almost wanted to jerk away.

"I like you, Dean." She mumbled and he managed a half-grunt, half-snore and she seemed to believe he was already asleep because she just hugged him closer and sighed contentedly.

But fuck if Dean could sleep now. He had heard those words before, a lifetime ago it seemed now, and they kept playing on repeat in his head whenever he wasn’t careful. Different meaning, sure, and totally different voice but somehow they struck a chord in Dean.

_I like you Dean._

_I like you Dean._

_I like you Dean._

Dean’s head hurt.

  


*****

  


One week before Dean’s birthday he was walking through the park near Sioux Falls shopping district when he found Cas sitting alone on one of the park benches. Dean was walking up to his friend before he could even register what he was doing. He was on his way to meet with Benny and Benny’s girlfriend Andrea but was a little early as it was and he couldn’t very well let Cas sit there alone when he just as well could join them.

Unless he wanted to be alone? Or unless he was waiting for someone? Dean slowed down before he got too close when he realized this. He knew Cas and Crowley weren’t dating anymore but he didn’t know much else. Cas was kind of quiet when it came to himself, at least when they were in a group and Dean for some reason always found himself in a big group when Cas was around.

Before Dean could change his mind, however, Cas turned his head and smiled at Dean, almost as if he could sense Dean standing there. And Dean had noticed this before, had noticed Cas’ eyes on him as if the other boy was constantly aware of where Dean was. It made Dean feel conscious and kind of seen, in a way no one else did.

"Hello, Dean." Cas said and Dean immediately smiled.

"Hiya, Cas." He said and gestured vaguely at Cas and the bench. "Waiting for someone?"

Cas looked down and kind of scooted around on the spot. "No." He said eventually and his tone of voice made Dean frown. "I just thought I’d sit here for a while, it’s nice weather."

Dean glanced around. It was in the middle of January but okay, it wasn’t raining and the sun was out so he supposed it was nice. Still...

"I’m meeting Benny and Andrea, wanna come?"

Cas swallowed and still wouldn’t meet Dean’s eyes. "Not really." He answered slowly and Dean didn’t know why but it made him sit down on the other side of Cas. Cas looked up, confused, but Dean was the first to speak.

"Are you okay?"

Cas made a grimace and looked down on the ground. That was when Dean noticed the hairpins that Cas had used to flatten down his unruly hair. The sight made him warm now and not skittish like the first times.

"I’m fine." Cas answered but sighed. Dean poked gingerly at the pins and Cas didn’t even flinch. He did turn his head, though, but Dean noticed that he didn’t mind having Cas look so closely at him.

"Are you?" he inquired quietly and it made Cas’ lower lip quiver. Which was the only reason Dean’s eyes drew down to them. Really.

"No." Cas sighed. "But I didn’t want to have to tell anyone. And..." he looked away and gnawed at his lower lip in that way of his. "And I didn’t want you to..." he took a deep breath and gave Dean a smile that for some reason didn’t make Dean feel any better. "No matter. Say hi to Benny for me, will you?"

"Cas." Dean said and frowned deeper, which made Cas’ smile falter. He scooted closer on the bench and kind of unconsciously stroked Cas’ hair and the pins. "I’ve seen you wear these because you felt like it and it made me happy but I also told you to wear them when you were sad. I think you’re sad now." He nodded when Cas looked away. "I’m right, aren’t I?"

Cas was his friend, of course he didn’t want him to be sad, nothing strange with that. He wasn’t so sure his chest was supposed to constrict the way it did when Cas’ eyes glistened with unshed tears but he didn’t mention it. Barely registered it for himself. Barely.

"I went on a date." Cas said in a small voice. "It didn’t... It..." he paused to take a deep breath and when he looked at Dean again the tears were gone but he still didn’t look any happier. "We wanted different things, I guess."

"Tell me." Dean hadn’t meant for his voice to get so demanding but Cas didn’t seem to mind. Dean was very aware that his arm was still resting on the back of the bench, close enough to Cas to feel the other’s body heat even through their jackets. He didn’t move it.

"We’ve been talking online for a couple of days and we thought to meet up. To go on a date I kind of assumed but I..." he looked Dean in the eye and Dean’s throat felt tight. "I was so stupid, Dean." Cas looked like he wanted to hit himself. "I thought he might actually like me and sure, it’s not like I like him _that_ much but I thought I might, with time, but he..." Cas swallowed and suddenly wouldn’t meet Dean’s eye. Dean didn’t like that. " I sound like such a stupid girl." Cas laughed humorlessly. "But he only wanted one thing and when I didn’t he just scowled at me and left. I felt so ugly and dumb that I went and bought this." He held up a bag of candy and laughed like that again. Like he was dead inside and Dean felt bile rise in his throat at the sound. "But then I remembered that I felt ugly and why the hell would this make it better?" he shook his head, put the bag back down on the bench and stopped talking with a small sigh.

It was only then that Dean noticed himself clenching his fists. He tried relaxing his muscles but fuck, it was difficult. He just felt so angry. Angry that someone would treat Cas like that. Angry because he knew Cas didn’t like to feel like a slut and that was most probably what this experience had amounted to. And very angry that Cas felt ugly because... Because...

"Shit, Cas, don’t be sad over something like that." He said and was surprised to find his voice so raspy, almost as if his throat muscles had been taut as well.

Cas looked up and looked kind of surprised as well. "I’m sorry, Dean." He smiled but even that looked sad to Dean. "I didn’t mean to ruin your good mood. I shouldn’t have said anything."

"No, Cas, I wanted to know." Again without thinking he let his arm slide from the bench down to Cas’ shoulders and suddenly he was hugging Cas against his chest. It startled him to think about how much he did without considering it beforehand when it came to Cas so he stopped thinking along those lines.

Cas didn’t say anything and didn’t struggle, he just sank down against Dean’s chest and fisted the hem of Dean’s leather jacket loosely.

"I feel like an idiot." He mumbled and Dean squeezed him tighter.

"You’re not. He’s the idiot, Cas. Why shouldn’t he want to date you for real? You’re awesome." He smiled when he felt Cas snigger against his chest. "And you know what? I think you should take his actions as a compliment. He actually thought you were hot enough to want to meet you and have sex with you. How much has he seen of you if you just talked online before this?"

Cas seemed to ponder this for a while and Dean took the time to study the way the dim sunlight reflected on the hairpins. And not how it caught in Cas’ hair.

"Well, he doesn’t live here." Cas admitted after a moment that Dean suspected wasn’t as long as it had felt. "So I suppose he’s only seen my profile picture and that’s just a picture of my head."

"See?" Dean said confidently and unconsciously hugged Cas closer. "He thought you were hot enough just from talking to you and looking at your face. That says a lot Cas. He might’ve turned out to be a douche but you shouldn’t feel ugly at least, because you’re not."

Fuck, he hadn’t meant to say that last part. He was just supposed to be stating the facts, goddamnit. But Cas didn’t seem to think twice about it and why should he? It wasn’t like Dean meant anything by it, right? He was just helping his friend feel better about himself.

"I suppose you’re right." Cas said and he actually sounded happier.

"You know I am. And promise me you’ll fucking delete that asshat’s contact information when you get home, I don’t want you going out with anymore idiots. Crowley was _enough_ , Cas."

He realized then that his voice had deepened and that he was shaking. Fuck, he felt angry all of a sudden again. First that douche bag Crowley forced Cas to sleep around and now this guy made Cas feel bad about himself? It was somehow more than Dean could take. He just felt like he needed to pound on someone.

Cas was suddenly drawing out of Dean’s arms and Dean for a moment got anxious that he had scared Cas with his outburst. But Cas just reached up in his hair and pulled one of the pins out. Then he bent closer and fiddled with Dean’s short hair, his face mere inches from Dean’s and contorted in concentration. Dean’s heart just about stopped. He counted Cas’ eyelashes to keep his pulse going steady.

When Cas pulled back again he was smiling and Dean traced his fingers through his hair only to find he could feel the little pin fastened in it.

"There." Cas said with a satisfied smile. "You seemed upset."

"I..." Dean just stared at Cas’ content face for a stunned moment before he burst out laughing. "God, you’re so weird." He wheezed out and Cas laughed too. "_I_ was comforting _you_ , Cas." He shook his head fondly. "So weird, I love it." His voice faltered a little at the end when what he was saying registered with his brain but he didn’t regret the words.

Cas didn’t seem to notice. He just grinned wider than Dean had ever seen and leaned back on the bench, opening the candy bag and offering some to Dean.

"Good."

  


*****

  


Cas started wearing his pin more often after that, whether it was to actually keep his bangs out of his forehead or to just press his tousled hair down, he wore it almost every day.

And Dean had kept the other pin for some reason. He didn’t wear it in his hair, of course — that would just be absurd — but he found himself attaching it to his clothes every morning. Sometimes it was in the buttonholes of his shirts but mostly it was to his jeans pockets.

It wasn’t very noticeable but Bobby saw it. He didn’t comment. Sam saw it too and Dean told him the truth; that it was a friend’s. Sam looked like he kind of assumed that it was Lisa’s and Dean let him because what would be the point of correcting him?

He didn’t know why he wore it though; he just did, every day. And at night he put it on his nightstand and sometimes it was the last thing he saw before he fell asleep.

Cas didn’t say anything either and he didn’t ask for it back but sometimes Dean caught him smiling at Dean. Dean always smiled back and it felt like they were sharing a huge secret. Which, he supposed, they actually were. Cas hadn’t told anyone else about his none-date with that guy Dean still didn’t know the name of. He supposed it was better that he didn’t because he still felt like he wanted to beat him up but he didn’t say anything about that to Cas.

The first one of Dean’s friends to notice the pin, or to comment about it at least, was of course Gabe because why not.

It was the day after Valentine’s Day, which Dean of course had spent with Lisa and which had ended in rather lackluster sex. Lisa was happy though and Dean supposed that was what mattered. He didn’t have that much experience with long-term relationships after all but he took care to give her much attention because that was what it was about, he thought.

Gabe and Dean were waiting by Dean’s car outside the movies where the rest of their friends were meeting them in just a little while. All except Cas because... Well, Dean didn’t know and for some reason he didn’t want to ask. Sometimes it felt like Cas wasn’t a part of their group or as if he was avoiding them. Dean hadn’t known these people for so long so he didn’t know if it was normal or not. In the beginning of the school year Cas had been with Crowley so Dean guessed that had taken much of his time but now? He didn’t know.

Gabe suddenly poked Dean on the hip and Dean nearly yelped in surprise.

"What?" he asked and looked down. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

"What’s this about?" Gabe asked and Dean had to look down again just to understand what the hell his friend was talking about.

"You mean this?" he asked and gently touched the hairpin that he wore on the edge of his jeans pocket.

"Yeah, it’s the same that Cassie has."

"It’s because it’s his."

Gabe narrowed his eyes at Dean and Dean suddenly felt very self-aware. "Okay." Gabe drawled in a way that let Dean know his answer hadn’t really answered anything.

Dean rolled his eyes and tried not to look as uncomfortable as he felt. It was difficult. "They’re a pair, I’m borrowing this one."

Gabe hummed in thought and it kind of sounded like how Cas did it and at the same time not. Dean shifted on the spot and desperately wished everyone else would arrive.

"I like these better than the other ones he had." Gabe said eventually and Dean swallowed hard, trying not to interpret anything into that statement.

"Me too."

"I think Cas does too, he never really wore the other ones to school."

Dean tried to clear his throat and defiantly avoided Gabe’s gaze. "Good, I want Cas to be happy."

_I like you Dean._

Gabe just hummed again while Dean tried to sink into the ground when the gravity of what he had said to his friend — and Cas’ _brother_ — sunk in.

But Gabe didn’t bring it up again and Dean still didn’t return the pin. Cas kept smiling when he saw it on Dean’s clothes.

  


*****

  


At the end of February Bela decided to celebrate the leap year by throwing a party that only got slightly out of hand. Dean noted as the plans progressed over the week how many of the parties his friends threw tended to expand beyond the initial planning. It was something that made him grin to think about and he sure loved these keg parties so he sure as hell wasn’t complaining when he arrived at Bela’s and found the place packed with people, both from high school and college, from Sioux Falls and out of town.

Bela looked a little pale when she opened the door and Bobby had squinted at the house as he dropped Dean off but Dean was in a good mood.

He had successfully managed to suppress his embarrassing conversation with Gabe and his relationship with Lisa was good. Nice. It was stable. Their friends had stopped teasing Dean by calling Lisa his girlfriend and had actually started referring to Dean as Lisa’s boyfriend and vice versa. Dean didn’t know what to think about that. It wasn’t like Lisa and Dean had talked about it for real.

The first time Benny had asked him what it felt like to be whipped Dean had just laughed nervously and told him since it was his first time he didn’t really have anything to compare it with. Benny had guffawed merrily and Dean had smirked. Cas had just watched them silently.

As the night progressed Dean got more and more pleasantly buzzed. He took great care not to get as shitfaced as he had been on Cas’ birthday party, the last real party Dean and Cas had attended together, Christmas excluded because who the hell got plastered at a Christmas party? Dean was many things but not John Winchester.

This party, however, Cas was at too and Dean avoided the heavy alcohol for fear of embarrassing himself again. He had fun though, they played beer pong and danced. They guys tossed a football around until someone broke a glass and Bela glared them into shame.

Lisa was happy too, she drank a lot more than Dean and got handsy. Dean liked that, liked that she lost some of her finer motor skills and just kind of mindlessly grinded against him on the dance floor. 

They ate some sandwiches someone had raided from Bela’s fridge, played some dart and danced some more. It was a good party. Much later, when two guys Dean didn’t know were fighting outside on the lawn, and Benny and Andrea had slipped off to a private room, Lisa suggested Dean and she do the same. He smirked at her and told her he was gonna use the bathroom first.

"I’ll wait upstairs." She half-moaned against his mouth and he smirked wider and nodded before she slipped up the stairs.

That was about ten minutes and the world’s longest bathroom queue Dean had ever had to endure ago. He had seriously considered just pissing in one of the urns that decorate the hall. Fucking hell, he had needed to pee so badly he had been half-hard by the time he eventually got into the bathroom and it hadn’t really died down.

Now he was upstairs, absentmindedly adjusting his needy dick and wondering which room Lisa was in. Had she told him which one? He couldn’t remember clearly. Fuck, he felt stupid now but he guessed it was the beer making him dumber than usual.

He foggily remembered the last time he had just opened a bedroom door at a party and he wasn’t interested in making the same mistake but at the same time it didn’t seem like he had any other options. Lisa wasn’t answering her phone so Dean just resigned himself to his fate and, slowly, opened the first door at hand.

It was a closet. No dice.

The second door led into a bedroom but it was empty. Dean sighed a little and went to the next closest door in Bela’s giant house. The music was pounding up through the floor and the bass felt like it vibrated in Dean’s bones. Not much else sounded up here, though, so he just opened the door.

It led into an office-looking room but there was another door leading further in and there was a light on in that room even if the office was pitch-black. Dean thought he heard voices coming from the other room and he remembered that Lisa’s phone had been busy the second time he had tried calling. Making up his mind he silently closed the first door and made his way over to the other, the voices not getting particularly louder but more consistent at least. The light that flooded through the crack in the door was dim but it was more than enough for Dean to see.

His hand froze seconds before he pushed the door completely open when he heard a distinct moan. That... That didn’t sound like a girl moaning.

He leaned forwards and angled his head to look inside without having to open the door more and almost choked at what he saw.

Cas was sitting on all fours on a king-sized bed, his side to Dean so that he would have to turn his head to see Dean standing there in the door. He had his eyes squeezed shut, though, and mouth hanging open in a continuous string of moans and panting breaths as some black guy Dean had never seen before rammed him from behind.

Cas’ muscles were taut as he took every thrust and met them with his ass, the other guy’s dick buried deep inside Cas. The guy had his hands clasped tightly on Cas’ slim hips and he was grinning and sweating as he bent over Cas’ smaller frame.

"So good Cassie." The guy grunted out and Cas arched his back like a cat.

Dean’s mouth went dry. All his blood had shot straight down to his groin and he couldn’t breathe. Cas was taking it up the ass, was fucking some guy at a party and he looked like a fucking pro doing it. It shouldn’t affect him but it did.

Dean blinked hard and tried to clear his mind but fuck, it looked so _raw_. So harsh and so goddamn sinful that Dean couldn’t think straight.

" Harder, Gordon." Cas groaned and Dean sucked in a breath that neither man on the bed seemed to notice but that sounded like a tornado in Dean’s ears.

Cas sounded so _wanton_. Dean was harder than he had ever been in his entire life.

" Harder, really?" the guy called Gordon laughed breathlessly and straightened to pull back and slam back in. Cas jolted forwards on the bed and Dean saw him grit his teeth. "Like that? God, you’re tight, Cassie." Gordon gripped Cas’ hips hard enough that his fingertips went white and Dean imagined it would leave marks on Cas’ otherwise blemish-free body. "I knew you’d be a good fuck. So tight and so responsive, gonna make me fucking blow inside you. Do you want that?" Cas made a whining sound that had Dean almost fold in half when a sharp wave of arousal hit him.

Shit, he shouldn’t watch. This was his friend and it was Cas, particularly, who didn’t like his friends thinking he was a slut. And yet here he was, fucking a guy while everyone partied downstairs and it looked so _lewd_. Dean swallowed hard and tried desperately to shake the intoxication from his mind and to get a hold of his senses. He should step back. He should find Lisa. He should shut the door and forget this ever happened.

Dean’s hand squeezed his erection and he slapped the other one over his mouth to keep from gasping too loudly.

"Gordon." Cas moaned and managed to make it sound both demanding and desperate.

Gordon laughed again. "Of course you want me to come inside you. You like to be filled up, don’t you? So desperate for it."

He reached down and pulled Cas up by the hair. Cas arched his neck and back and pressed his shoulder blades against Gordon’s chest as Gordon kept thrusting into him and goddamnit, Dean never knew Cas could bend like that.

Dean’s hand squeezed his dick again.

"Fuck, Cassie, gonna come so soon." Gordon growled against Cas’ ear and Cas reached back with one hand to grasp Gordon’s thigh and thrust back against the guy’s dick.

Gordon moaned approvingly and pressed one hand against Cas’ chest to get him closer while the other snaked down Cas’ heaving body to grasp his straining dick. Dean’s eyes glued to Cas’ red and swollen dick for the first time. It looked painful and... And beautiful.

Cas cried out as Gordon started stroking him and his movements got jerky. Dean had to bite his fingers to keep from moaning too loudly. What the fuck was wrong with him? This was _Cas_ , sweet and kind Cas. Cas with the bluest eyes Dean had ever seen, who hated scary movies but liked bees and vanilla flavored ice cream and...

_I like you Dean._

Dean moaned.

The sound was drowned out, however, as Gordon’s thrusts got uncoordinated and his grunts louder.

"Gonna, gonna blow." Gordon panted and licked Cas’ sweaty neck.

"Please..." Cas pleaded brokenly.

Dean felt himself leak into his underwear and it suddenly got very real for him. He was going to come. He could suddenly feel the pull in his lower stomach, could feel his balls draw tight, could practically feel the come as it gathered and prepared to shoot out of him and fuck, he couldn’t come now. Not here, not _now_. Not because of this.

But Cas suddenly arched his back with a whimpered gasp and shot hard, his body taut and his brilliant eyes open in wonder even as his jaw clenched shut.

Dean came in his pants. He shook against the door frame and tore his eyes away only when Cas relaxed, his breathing leaving him in a long exhale.

Through slitted eyes he watched as Gordon pressed Cas down again, thrusting roughly a couple of times and then stilling, groaning deeply as his hips stuttered against Cas’ pliant body.

Dean couldn’t watch anymore. He closed his eyes tightly and pinched the bridge of his nose. He felt nauseated with his own behavior.

When he slowly opened his eyes again he saw that Cas had fallen to his side on the bed and was staring unseeingly at the wall. Gordon was standing beside the bed, tying the condom off, with an almost stupid grin on his face. Dean frowned.

"Shit, I knew you’d be good." Gordon laughed and flicked the condom onto the bed. It landed behind Cas. Cas leaned over the edge of the bed when Gordon started pulling his clothes back on. Dean didn’t see what he did down on the floor but when he came back up on the bed Dean’s heart nearly stopped. Cas had retrieved the hairpin from his clothes and was slowly fastening it to his right temple, his face a stoic mask but Dean could see his fingers trembling.

Gordon didn’t seem to have noticed. He just finished buttoning up his shirt and then bent down to smack Cas playfully on the ass.

"Don’t hesitate to call me if you wanna go again, Cassie." He smirked and started making his way across the room.

Cas didn’t move but Dean’s sudden rage was quenched in fear when he realized Gordon was seconds away from seeing Dean standing there in the doorway. He hurtled himself backwards and managed to scramble behind the desk the moment before Gordon opened the door and sauntered through the office to leave completely seconds later.

Dean’s heart raced. He had almost been caught. Caught watching two guys having sex and caught getting off on it. He glanced down at his crotch where the wetness thankfully didn’t show on his jeans.

Caught getting off to watching Cas come. Fuck. _Fuck._

Dean made a split-second decision and quickly pried his jeans off and then his boxers, throwing the stained underwear in the trash bin under the desk before pulling his jeans back on. It chafed a little against his sensitive dick but it was much better than the alternative, he thought as he stood up on shaky legs.

He looked thoughtfully at the still slightly open door and was acutely aware that Cas still hadn’t left. He had had sex with someone whom obviously knew Cas on a first name basis, after which he hadn’t looked very happy and he had put his hairpin on. And now he still hadn’t left the room.

Dean’s heart ached. He was the last person he thought would have any right to try and comfort Cas right now and he was supposed to look for Lisa but fuck, he just needed to know Cas was okay.

He was across the office the second after he had made his decision. He opened the outer door and was thankful to see that the hallway outside looked empty. Slamming the door rather loudly, he walked noisily into the office.

"Lisa?" he called in a loud enough voice for it to carry into the inner room, hopefully giving Cas enough time to gather himself if he was still naked. "Lis?"

When he pushed the inner door open he saw that Cas was still on the bed, still very naked and when their eyes met it looked like Cas hadn’t even heard Dean at all. It was very disconcerting.

"D-Dean?" Cas scrambled for the sheets to cover himself and goddamn, it was just so adorable. As if Dean had never seen a naked man before. Almost as if Cas didn’t want to embarrass Dean.

Dean frowned and his concern certainly wasn’t fake even though his question was.

"Cas? What’s going on?" he tried leering at Cas’ tousled state. "Am I disturbing something?" God, he felt like such a douche, faking he didn’t know. But what the hell was he supposed to say? I caught you fucking a dude and I just came back to check on you? It wouldn’t be a lie but he couldn’t say it, not without saying everything else and he couldn’t fucking say that. Couldn’t admit how hard he had come watching Cas’ beautiful eyes light up as he came with a cock up his ass. Couldn’t and wouldn’t.

Cas swallowed and looked down. "No." He all but whispered and Dean frowned again.

He closed the door and edged closer to the bed. "What happened?"

Cas looked up, eyes wide and horrified. "What are you doing?"

"What?" Dean stopped by the bed, his fingers brushing the sheets and Cas looked so small on the big bed. "I find you naked on a bed during a party and you don’t look happy. Tell me what happened or I’m gonna assume you got raped. Do you want me to beat up every guy here until someone confesses?"

Dean surprised himself by getting worked up because of his own words even though he knew the truth. He supposed it was the beer’s fault.

Cas smiled a little and fisted the sheets loosely. "Nothing like that, don’t worry."

Dean sighed and flopped down on the bed beside Cas. "Can’t help it." He tilted his head to the side when Cas did and reached out and touched the hairpin where it lay nestled in Cas’ soft locks.

Cas’ eyes rounded out and then he groaned in frustration, hiding his face in his hands. "Stupid." He said, his voice muffled. "I’m just being stupid again."

Dean scowled even though Cas couldn’t see. "I don’t like you talking about yourself like that." He said honestly and blamed the beer again, because it was convenient to do so. When Cas just sighed Dean reached over and put an arm around Cas’ bare shoulders. Cas’ skin felt heated to Dean and as he drew his friend closer the sheets Cas had wrapped around himself slid down to bunch at his waist. Dean’s heart thumped faster when he realized that if he just glanced over Cas’ shoulder he would be able to see Cas’ butt again. He swallowed dryly and ignored his racing pulse.

Cas followed Dean’s urging arm willingly, as he always had, but he turned his face up and looked at Dean with an expression Dean couldn’t read.

"Dean." He mumbled and his usually deep voice sounded even more gravelly to Dean. _Sex-roughed,_ Dean thought and resisted a shudder. " I’m naked."

"So?" Dean managed to sound completely normal, if only a little drunk. "We’re both dudes. Now tell me what happened to make you sad."

Cas swallowed. "I..." Dean knew what he was thinking. Yes, they were both guys but to Cas this was intimate and Dean knew he was in the wrong here. If Cas had been a girl Dean would be handing her some clothes before talking. But he liked Cas’ searing skin against his palm and he selfishly used the fake ignorance to get it. Cas met Dean’s eyes when Dean shook his shoulders lightly. "Remember that date I went on in January?"

Dean tried to look like he didn’t quite remember but of course he did. As if he could have forgotten how some random douche made Cas feel bad about himself.

"I dunno…"

"The one that didn’t work out." Cas supplied and Dean made a sound of recognition while wondering why he was faking this as well. What was he defending? Honor? If so, whose?

"And I ate all your comfort-candy, I remember."

Cas actually smiled, as if the memory was a fond one and Dean thought of how his arm was still around Cas’ shoulder, the same hand that had squeezed Dean’s dick now rested on Cas’ skin. It made Dean’s fingers tingle and he absentmindedly wondered if Cas could feel it.

"Yeah..." Cas’ gaze dropped. "I met him here, tonight, and I-I just needed, Dean." When he looked up his eyes were so pleading that Dean startled but he thankfully managed not to pull away. Cas looked like he really needed Dean to understand and it scared Dean while at the same time made his whole body feel warm. Too warm for clothes. "I needed to be touched and to-to..." Cas tore he eyes away. "But I shouldn’t have. I feel worse now, after."

"Worse how?" Dean heard himself wonder out loud. "Did he hurt you?"

"Not really." Cas shook his head. "I hurt myself."

He sounded sad but not like he was about to cry. More like he was bone-tired and it kind of scared Dean. He reached down and grabbed Cas’ legs, hoisting them over his own so that Cas’ legs were in Dean’s lap and so that he could hug Cas closer to his side. It was a little awkward, sitting on the side like this but it was the closest he could come to Cas without forcing the other boy to straddle him.

Cas was surprised though, he yelped and grabbed Dean’s upper arm for support. Dean liked it, liked surprising and manhandling Cas. It made him feel kind of powerful.

"Stop it." He grumbled and hugged Cas close.

"Dean?"

"Stop putting yourself down, stop letting others put you down."

Cas just kind of melted against Dean at that and it was the best feeling Dean had ever felt and he didn’t even know why. He had hugged Cas before and it had never felt like this. Had felt nice, sure, but not like he was burning up. Was it because Cas was basically naked? Was it because he had seen the rapture on Cas’ face as he reached orgasm? Was it because Dean had come from seeing it? He wasn’t sure but he didn’t think so, he still felt uncomfortable and kind of embarrassed because of it.

Cas was just... Just fitted against Dean.

"Thank you, Dean." Cas mumbled and Dean thought he sounded a little sleepy.

On a whim, Dean reached down and pulled the pin free from his pocket only to slide it into Cas hair, next to the other one. Cas had once shown him how, for fun, and all the girls had laughed as Dean practiced on himself but now he was kind of glad for it.

"Don’t mention it." Dean almost whispered and felt odd about his own voice.

Cas reached a hand up to touch the bees on the pins, smiling at Dean, his head titled back and they were so close. Cas’ nose almost touched Dean’s cheek and Dean could feel his breath ghosting over his neck as he imagined Cas could feel Dean’s breath on his cheek.

Dean’s body felt weird. It was taut and lax at the same time, his breathing felt labored and Cas was still watching him closely. His eyes never strayed from Dean’s but Dean still felt as if Cas really saw him; saw his whole body and soul laid bare.

Then suddenly Dean flicked his gaze down to Cas’ lips and he saw them part in surprise before he leaned down, his mind blank.

Cas’ lips were pink and plump and fuck, they fitted so effortlessly against Dean’s that he almost wanted to laugh with relief.

But God, it also felt so nice. Cas tasted so good and his body was heated against Dean’s even through Dean’s clothes. This... This was everything there was.

Then suddenly it wasn’t. Cas was suddenly wrenching his head to the side and pushing at Dean’s chest, trying to get away.

"Dean." Cas gasped and Dean took perverted pride in hearing Cas sound so breathless after only a closed mouth kiss. "Dean, what are you doing?"

"I..." Shit, Dean couldn’t explain it himself. All the niceness left the moment in a sudden rush. Fuck. What the hell _was_ he doing? He was supposed to be Cas’ friend, not take advantage of him. And he was supposed to be _straight_. He suddenly got afraid of himself and when Cas pushed again he let the smaller boy go.

" Don’t do this, Dean." Cas almost pleaded and Dean wasn’t entirely sure what he was talking about. "You-You’re Lisa’s boyfriend and I just can’t deal with you like this. Not you."

Dean was realizing with frightening dread that Cas was probably thinking that Dean indeed was taking advantage of him. "No, no, Cas. I-I didn’t mean—"

"Save it, Dean." Cas interrupted, his voice strangely thick and he was already making his way off the bed to collect his clothes. "Just leave. Go find your girlfriend."

"Cas—"

"Don’t."

Dean felt like he was suffocating. He had ruined everything and he didn’t even know what it was he had ruined. Their friendship for sure but what else? There was something else but he couldn’t say what. All he could think was how he couldn’t breathe and how having Cas close would solve that. Dean had never felt like this before.

But Cas was pushing him away, not physically anymore because he had put the bed between Dean and himself as he pulled his pants back on, but emotionally by not even looking at Dean. Cas had trusted Dean with his secrets and with his emotions and Dean felt like he had just thrown everything under a bus. He couldn’t move. He just sat there, motionless and when Cas turned in the door to look at him his heart ached painfully. Cas opened his mouth as if to say something but then shut it again and left, leaving Dean to sit there and stew.

After Dean eventually left he finally found Lisa, asleep in Bela’s room. He stood for a long moment, looking at her and trying to think but his mind was just full of white noise, before he climbed in beside her.

She stirred as he arranged them so that he was on his back with her against his side, one arm slung around her shoulders.

"Dean?" she mumbled, her speech slurred with both alcohol and sleep.

"Yeah." He answered, his voice surprisingly steady.

She sighed contentedly and hugged him closer. "I missed you."

"Yeah." He mumbled again and could think of nothing else to say because what would that be? _I kissed someone else. I kissed a boy. And I liked it. I kissed Cas. And I..._ He lay for a long while, listening to the music from downstairs and to Lisa’s steady breathing, alone with his thoughts.

_I kissed Cas. I like you Dean. I fucked up. I like you Dean. I ruined it. I like you._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, fuck you "slow", this is too much fun! :D
> 
> In retrospect, should've probably had shorter chapters to create _some_ kind of suspense... :P


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pow! Right in the feels...

  
  


Okay, so Dean didn’t get up out of bed for the basically the whole Sunday. His guilt and self-destructive thoughts lay like a black cloud over him and both Sammy and Bobby noticed something definitely was up. Bobby especially since he had been the one to pick Dean up from the party after Dean had lain in the bed with Lisa for a good hour before refusing her sexual advances and calling Bobby. Lisa had been confused but not overly so, she had still been pretty drunk and Dean had just blamed alcohol as well, even though he was pretty sure he was sober enough by then to be able to drive home himself.

Bobby hadn’t said anything then and he hadn’t said anything this morning but as the evening was rearing its ugly butt and Dean still hadn’t gotten up and neither eaten nor showered he apparently decided that enough was enough because here he was, standing by Dean’s bed and staring a hole in the teen’s back.

"What?" Dean eventually grumbled but still refused to turn around.

"Did something happen at the party?" Bobby asked after a while in silence. It was very obvious that he wasn’t used to handling kids like this. Dean and Sam after all tended to pretty much handle themselves.

"No." Dean answered flatly.

"Is this about your girlfriend?"

Oh boy, Bobby sounded uncomfortable now but Dean didn’t fancy making it any easier on him.

"I’m not a girl, Bobby, I don’t swoon over love-problems." He gritted out and tensed his shoulders.

Bobby sighed. "Then quit lying here and feeling sorry for yourself, son." He stated and Dean thought maybe that wasn’t such bad advice but he didn’t really feel inclined to take it. Bobby shifted on the spot after a while. "I’m gonna go down and fry up some greasy burgers, I’ll be expecting to see you at the table."

He left with that and Dean’s stomach churned. Bobby was nice, he was like the father Dean had never had and Dean really didn’t want to let the man down. And Bobby had sounded tired, not angry, which Dean always thought was a bad sign so he resigned himself to walking down to dinner in a short while. Even though all he wanted to do was stare at the wall until he fell unconscious.

Fuck he had fucked up so bad he didn’t know what to do with himself. How would he face Cas tomorrow? How would he face Lisa? He would he face himself?

He startled when his bed suddenly dipped and when he glanced over his shoulder he was met with Sammy’s concerned face.

"What?" he muttered, not quite as harshly this time.

"Bobby said you were sad."

Dean turned his back to Sam and folded his arms over his chest. "Yeah? Well, Bobby’s wrong. I’m hung-over."

"I don't think you are."

"No?"

Sam was silent for a while, obviously not raising to the bait and Dean thought how it was unfair that his little brother was more mature than him. Sammy would never go around kissing dudes. Sammy wouldn’t have made Cas feel like a whore.

"What happened, Dean?" Sam asked eventually and Dean felt a little of his wall break. Bobby he liked but Sam, Sam was his little brother and they had had only each other for such a long time. "You were happy when you went to the party yesterday." Sam supplied and Dean squeezed his eyes shut against the burning sensation.

"I fucked up." He mumbled, scared by how uneven his voice sounded. Sammy was too, apparently, because he bent over Dean to place a comforting hand on Dean’s shoulder.

"With Lisa?" Sam asked when Dean couldn’t fucking continue.

Dean jerked a little, remembering all too vividly Cas’ face. So close, so open and so trusting. And then…

"I kissed someone."

"Someone other than Lisa?"

"Yes." Man, Dean’s voice was a horse whisper by now.

Dean could practically hear Sam thinking now. "Well," Sam mumbled after a while. "I’m sorry but I didn't think you would feel so bad about something like that. And honestly," he continued when Dean actually rolled over to look at his little brother. "I didn’t think you liked Lisa that much."

Dean stared at Sam for a long while and Sammy, bless him, held his gaze. Grounded Dean just like he needed at the moment.

"I don’t." He confessed. "I mean, I like her but not…" he looked away and bit his lip in thought but it reminded him of Cas so he stopped. "Not like I’m supposed to." He mumbled and felt like a stone lifted from his shoulders with how true those words were. Fuck, why had his not realized this sooner? Lisa was awesome but if she was as awesome as Dean made her out to be, then why had he been dragging everything out with her? He had convinced himself that it was because he wanted to act all chivalry and shit but that just wasn’t true, was it?

Sam was frowning in thought when Dean eventually looked back at him, realization clear in Dean’s eyes. "You know," Sam said when he saw it, his voice determined. "You don’t have to date the prettiest girl in school just because all the movies say so."

Sam was Dean’s psychiatric. Dean had known this for a long while, known that sometimes only Sammy understood Dean’s fucked up mind, but that fact hit him harder now than ever. Goddamnit, Dean wished he could express himself like this with everyone; that everyone would understand him like this. The only one that had ever come close was…

"No?" he asked and Sammy resolutely shook his head.

"No."

"But I…" Dean looked away again, needing to say this without telling Sam about all those women in Lawrence. Then again, what was to say that his little shrink of a brother didn’t already know? "I just thought that we’d a proper family now. We go to school like we’re supposed to." He looked back at Sam, almost pleadingly. "We’re supposed to be proper now, right?"

Sam’s eyes softened. "You are, Dean."

"No, I…" Dean swallowed hard.

"What really happened, Dean?" Sam asked when Dean was silent for too long. "You’re kind of scaring me."

When he met Sammy’s eyes again he saw that that was true. Fuck, it was so easy to forget that Sam was still a child. Even if Dean had practically been Sam’s age when he had gone to his first woman in Lawrence. Five bucks for a lick paid up front, not much he _couldn’t_ do with that mouth of his. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.

No, that was not what this was about. This was about Dean fucking up the best friendship he had ever had. This was about Dean’s stupid brain short circuiting. This was about Dean not being able to control himself. This was about Cas’ sad face.

"I kissed a guy."

Sammy sat silent for a long while, just looking at Dean and, from the looks of it, trying to pry his eyebrows down from his hairline.

"Okay." He said slowly, just as Dean was about to freak out.

"Yeah."

"And?"

"And I liked it." Sam fiddled with the hem of his shirt, obviously at a loss for words. Dean rolled his eyes, feeling like fuck it, he might as well, right? "It was a friend of mine. He’s gay, though that’s not why I kissed him. It wasn’t like some kind of fun experiment or something."

"Then why did you?" Dean blinked at Sam and tried the question on for size. Sam obviously thought Dean didn’t understand. "I mean, were you drunk and kind of fell on him? You’re with Lisa and I know you like girls. If you didn’t kiss him for fun then why did you?"

"I-I…" Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and remembered very vividly what Cas had looked like as he came hard with that guy’s dick up his ass. "I just think he’s awesome."

"You… Like him?" Sam ventured and Dean’s eyes snapped open.

"No!" he barked but Sam didn’t flinch away. He just gave Dean a bitch-face that told Dean he had been too fast with his denial. "No, I just… We talk a lot, you know? He gets me and he’s had a tough time with some shit but he… He muddled through. Reminded me of us and… Stuff…"

"Mhm." Sam hummed insinuatingly and Dean didn’t like it. "So he reminded you of how you and I made it out of Lawrence? That’s cool but is _that_ why you kissed him?"

Cas’ taut body and hard dick swam before Dean’s eyes. The way his chest had heaved and the way he had fucked himself back on the guy’s cock. The way he had leaned against Dean and the way he had looked at Dean, from under his lashes, still flushed from the fucking and yet so innocent.

_I like you Dean._

" No." Dean admitted in a very little voice.

"You know what?" Sam asked suddenly and Dean was almost afraid to meet his eyes. "I think you should break up with Lisa."

"What?" Dean asked confusedly and maybe a little high-pitched.

"Yeah."

"But…"

"Look, Dean," Sam sighed. "You obviously don’t have feelings for her, not the kind you should have if you’re supposed to be her boyfriend. I know you don’t like to talk about feelings and I know you tried to do what you thought was the right thing but dating a girl just because you’re supposed to is kinda mean." He looked determined again. "You know?"

"I… Yeah." Dean mumbled, thinking he totally knew what Sam was hinting at. No matter what he thought about Cas and no matter what he thought about kissing him he still owed it to Lisa to be straight with her. To be honest. To not kiss other people, no matter whom. "Fuck." He muttered and carded his fingers through his hair. "I thought I was doing the right thing and I just made it worse."

Sam considered his brother for a little while "No, not worse. Just different. And that’s good, I just think this kind of different wasn’t for you. You need to try other, different things."

Dean didn’t know what the fuck Sam meant by that. Or maybe he did. In any case he just nodded and Sam smiled at him.

"Okay." He mumbled and Sam nodded.

"For what it’s worth, Dean, I think you’re doing great. I mean, we’re going to school and we’re being a real family like you said and it’s great. Plus," he smirked and Dean quirked an eyebrow at him. "You’ve been in your room all day, feeling guilty about kissing someone other than Lisa, that shows character. Not like the old you would have cared about Lisa’s feelings."

Dean just blinked at his little brother for a moment. Fuck, was that was Sam thought? Dean instantly felt even worse and he turned away from his brother, groaning in despair.

"No, that wasn’t it."

"It wasn’t?" Sam asked, obviously confused and Dean shook his head harshly. "Was is… Was it because you don’t know what to think about liking to kiss guys?"

Dean made a half-shrug. "A little that too and I mean, yeah, I felt a little bad about Lisa but fuck…" he peeked over his shoulder at Sam’s confused face. "I was feeling bad because Cas got mad at me for kissing him." He blurted out and then hid again.

Sam gasped a little in surprise. "You kissed _Cas_?" Fuck, Dean had definitely not meant to say his friend’s name. His stomach turned. " Cas? Your friend Cas? The one with the abusive asshole of a boyfriend? And the one you said you found sad after a bad date? And—" Sam quieted abruptly and Dean turned over after the silence stretched on for too long. Sam looked like he was mulling things over. That was never good. "You know," Sam said slowly. "You talk an awful lot about Cas." He met Dean’s horrified eyes with a levelled stare. "More than anyone else of your friends. And now that I think about it, even more than about Lisa."

"Okay, so?" Dean almost yelled and then cleared his throat to get his voice under control. Sam smirked again.

"Nothing." He pursed his lips in thought. "So you kissed Cas, on accident or…?"

"Kind of." Dean grunted.

"And he got mad?"

"Yeah."

"Hm." Sam was mulling again and Dean suddenly felt desperate to make him stop.

"It-it was nothing." He hastened to say and Sam met his eyes but was still thinking, Dean could see. "We were drunk and he was sad and just so close and we’ve been hugging before because he likes that when he gets sad. He’s like a girl like that so it just got jumbled in my mind. I-we were very drunk." Okay, now that part wasn’t as true as Dean wanted it to be. For one, Cas hadn’t seemed drunk at all.

Sam nodded all through Dean’s rambling and then his eyebrows set in the way they did when he thought Dean was being slow. "If you treated the kiss like that I get why he’s mad." He informed Dean blatantly and Dean stared at him in surprise.

"What?"

Sam sighed a little. "You said it yourself; Cas is essentially like a girl. More explicitly, in the way that he could actually have feelings for you. You don’t go around kissing girls and expect them to not get mad at you at some point, do you?"

Sam’s words hit Dean like a freight train. Of course, on some level, Dean had already known that Cas was different from other guys. Not only because he had the potential to fall in love with dudes just like girls but also because Cas was different, period. Dean had known that when Cas sat naked on the bed, that that would have gone very different if Cas had in fact been a girl but Dean had denied it then and he was denying it now. But had he always? If he had found one of his other guy-friends crying over a bad break-up would he have hugged them too? Guys didn’t do that. But Cas was just so… Cas was different. And the thought that he actually could develop deeper feelings for Dean than just a regular bromance was… It was…

_I like you Dean._

" Oh, fuck." Dean groaned and covered his face with his hands.

"So you see the problem here?" Sam asked and Dean nodded, still hiding. "Yeah, you need to break up with Lisa on a totally unrelated note because I think she actually likes you and you don’t like her." He tore Dean’s hands away from his face to force his big brother to look at him. "And you need to apologize to Cas."

"Y-yeah." Dean squeaked and Sam nodded wisely.

God, Dean was so screwed.

  


*****

  


Dean didn’t feel much better the day after. Dinner with Bobby and Sam after that conversation had been awkward but Dean had recognized that it had been so only because he couldn’t let it go. Sam was right though because of course he was.

It didn’t help Dean from being so nervous that he almost missed his turn while driving them to school, though. And God, those dreams he had had the night before... He didn’t really remember them now, in the light of day, but they had been _vivid_. Vivid what he couldn’t remember but fuck.

And it got worse when he got to school and Cas wasn’t there.

"What do you mean?" he all but yelled at Gabriel and Gabe looked surprised at him.

"I mean that Cassie said he wasn’t feeling well and stayed home. What?"

"I-I…" Dean didn’t know what. "I mean, is it serious? He was at the party after all."

"Don’t worry, I don’t think it’s contagious." Gabe smirked but Dean just shook his head.

He couldn’t fucking believe this. He really needed to talk to Cas, needed to get this off his chest and Cas was hiding at home? No fucking way he was sick. No, Dean was very convinced that Cas was staying home to avoid Dean and it made Dean angry and guilty at the same time. Fuck.

"Too much happy juice?" Benny asked and Garth snickered but Dean turned away when Gabe shook his head.

"I think he ate something bad. I mean, I don’t think he drank too much but he’s been puking."

God, Dean made Cas puke. Was it because the thought of kissing Dean made him sick or because he was so sad he didn’t know what to do? Dean didn’t know but he fucking felt like puking too.

Dean leaned against his locker as the guys started making their way to homeroom. What was he supposed to do now? Now Sammy’s words meant even more; he _needed_ to apologize. Not only for his own peace of mind but because Cas really was upset with him. Dean had kind of hoped he had misinterpreted the situation. Maybe exaggerated it. But no.

" Dean!"

He turned to see Lisa and Bela making their way to him. Bela waved and continued after the guys but Lisa stopped to lean in and peck Dean on the cheek. Fuck, this was something else he really needed to do today. Or did he? If he couldn’t talk to Cas then maybe it wouldn’t be worth it to wreck everything with Lisa just yet, right? Dean swallowed. What the hell did he expect from apologizing to Cas anyway?

"Hey." He mumbled and barely hugged her back. She didn’t seem to notice. In fact, there were lots of things about him she never noticed, he thought dully.

"I have something I need to ask you." She stated and managed to look both eager and shy. He swallowed again.

"‘Kay."

"Come on."

She dragged him over to the stairs where they could hide beneath them to create some kind of semblance of privacy. Dean didn’t like it. He looked at her and it felt… She was beautiful but it felt like nothing. He glanced around himself and realized that this was it. Not matter what she wanted to ask he would need to break up with her.

"What is it?" he asked and immediately regretted it. Better that he spoke first but she was already talking now.

"You know how we’ve been kind of dating for over six months now." She said and twirled a lock around her finger. Dean gritted his teeth. "And how you’ve never met my parents." She looked up at him from under her lashes and he was uncomfortably remembered of how Cas did that too, sometimes. "Well, my mom’s throwing a dinner party this Saturday and I just thought—"

"Stop." He put up an hand but couldn’t continue. He took a deep breath.

"Dean?" she asked but he was busy trying to breathe right. "I… If you don’t want to it’s okay." She said hastily as if the notion of meeting her parents would scare him away and in another lifetime it would have, he knew. But that wasn’t the problem here; wasn’t who he was now. "It’s just that mom was kind of wondering and I’ve been putting it off because…" she looked down and Dean found his composure. Well, enough of it.

"Lisa, this isn’t a good idea." He took a deep breath and put his hands on her shoulders when she looked questioningly at him. "I can’t meet your parents."

"But… Why?"

"I… I think we should break up." God, this was harder than Dean had thought it would be. He had never fucking been through a break-up before. The closest thing had been when his math teacher in Lawrence had said they couldn’t continue because she valued her job more. He had just shrugged and gotten on with his life. This… This was fucking brutal.

"Why?" Lisa demanded again, her lower lip quivering and Dean hoped to heaven and hell that she wouldn’t start crying because he couldn’t deal with that.

"Because…" he swallowed and tried to remember how he was supposed to be different here in Sioux Falls. How he was supposed to be honest and proper. _Feelings, Winchester, say what you’re feeling._ " Because I’m not in love with you and I think you deserve to be with someone who is."

God, it sounded so fucking lame Dean just wanted to hide under a rock. Lisa was looking accusingly at him and he didn’t know why. He couldn’t help it, alright? He would fucking fall for her in a second if he could. Everything would just be so much easier if he just would.

"Have… How long have you felt like this?" she asked and sounded both angry and sad.

"I dunno." He mumbled and tried desperately to understand what she was aiming at with that question.

"Have you just been using me?" she asked and wrenched herself free to back away from him. She had her back to the wall so it didn’t do her much good but it wasn’t like Dean would crowd her against it. Not when she obviously craved space. He didn’t know where to put his hands now so they just dangled uselessly by his sides.

"No." He said earnestly. "I really like you but…" he looked away for a second. "But not enough, okay? I thought I did because you’re awesome and I thought it would be enough but it, it just isn’t."

"How long?"

"Not very."

"Is there someone else?"

He looked up at her, horrified. _I like you Dean._ " No!"

She huffed and crossed her arms. "Well, what the hell am I supposed to think? Everything was fine at the party and now, two days later, it isn’t."

"I just realized some things." He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away, very uncomfortable. "I’m sorry Lis, I really am. I really like it here in Sioux Falls and I like hanging with you guys so I tried." He looked at her, pleadingly, and her eyes actually softened. "I tried to be normal but I… I guess I’m just not." Fuck, talking about his feelings like this made Dean nauseated and somehow Lisa seemed to understand this. She actually walked up to him and hugged him.

"I’m mad at you."

"I know." He mumbled against her hair and hugged her back. "But can we please be friends?" it was important to him, it really was. God, Dean Winchester had turned into a pussy and he wasn’t even sorry.

"We can." She agreed. "But I’m gonna need some time away from you."

"Sure."

"I was so sure of us."

"I know." He whispered and wished she would stop talking but no such luck.

"I thought we were in love."

"Please don’t say that." He pleaded, his voice raspy, and she nodded. What for he didn’t know. Maybe she was agreeing that it was useless to say that now or maybe she understood that it maybe hadn’t been love.

That maybe it had just been about liking someone and that it sometimes wasn’t enough.

  


*****

  


Cas came to school the next day and he didn’t look any different, except for the scowl he gave Dean when Dean sidled up to him. Dean swallowed hard and tried to look like he wasn’t relieved Cas was back. Like he hadn’t been lying awake all night thinking about what he would do if Cas wasn’t there.

"I need to talk to you."

"I know."

God, Cas’ voice sounded so unforgiving it gave Dean chills. They walked away from their friends in silence and Dean led them outside and behind the gym to get the privacy he craved.

"I just…" Fuck, would apologizing to Cas be even more awkward and difficult than a fucking break-up? How could it be so? But Cas was looking at him like Dean wasn’t even worth the dirt under his shoe and it made Dean crumble to pieces. Cas wasn’t supposed to look at him like that. "I’m sorry, alright?" Dean all but shouted but Cas’ stare didn’t waver.

"You should be."

"I shouldn’t have kissed you."

"No, you shouldn’t have."

Goddamnit, Cas was just staring at Dean, arms crossed and frown firmly set in place. Dean wanted to hug him. He didn’t want Cas to feel bad and now he was the fucking cause of it. He gave Cas’ hair a quick glance and immediately realized Cas didn’t have the hairpins in but he was obviously upset. Shit. Of course Cas noticed Dean’s search and he narrowed his eyes at Dean but didn’t mention it. Somehow that was worse.

"I broke up with Lisa." Dean informed his shoes for some reason. Why was that information relevant in this conversation? He didn’t know.

"I know." Cas said, his voice a deep rumble like Dean had never heard it before. "She came by my house yesterday, crying over you."

Shit.

"I don’t want her to be sad." Dean exclaimed, exasperated, his feelings getting the better of him.

Cas’ eyes narrowed even more, how the hell that was possible. "Well, what do you expect? She really liked you. I know, because I’ve had to hear about it."

"I’m… Sorry?" Dean practically asked, unable to decipher Cas’ tone. Cas just huffed and looked away. "I didn’t use her if that’s what you’re angry about."

"I know, she told me."

"Good. ‘Cuz I’m not like Cro—" he stopped himself when Cas turned his icy stare back at Dean.

"Like who? Like Fergus?"

Dean puffed out his chest and little. Why was Cas getting angry at that? Was he defending that douche bag? "Exactly. I didn’t use Lisa. I thought I actually liked her and when I realized she wasn’t what I wanted I broke up with her because that’s what you should do in these cases. We wouldn’t have made each other happy."

There, now he had said that. Why should he have to suffer just so she could be happy? That wouldn’t be fair to either of them. But somehow, Dean thought when he met Cas’ searching eyes, he didn’t think that was the issue here.

"What _do_ you want, Dean?" Cas asked and yeah, wasn’t that the million dollar question?

Dean cleared his throat awkwardly and looked away, scuffing his foot against the ground nervously. "I… I dunno."

"Well," Cas huffed in irritation. "Then maybe you should figure that out."

Dean looked up and Cas looked both angry and sad, just like Lisa had and it made Dean want to hug the other boy, just like had had hugged Lisa and just liked he had hugged Cas so many times before. But Cas slapped his hand away, somehow seeming more mad than Lisa had.

"I need to not be around you for a while, Dean." Cas stated and promptly left without waiting for Dean’s answer.

 _So that was that_ , Dean thought morosely. He had lost his girlfriend and the guy whom he basically thought was his best friend and all over just one stupid, complicating kiss. And it had still been the best kiss he had ever had.

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

  
  


Cas started spending less and less time with them. Obviously to avoid Dean, Dean knew and it made him feel like a knife was slicing at his insides. He managed to cover it with a lot of partying, even to the point where Bobby got more mad than concerned and Dean had to stop.

The rest of their gang didn’t really notice Cas’ absence so much at first since he always tended to disappear and appear of his own violation. But almost a month later it had gotten so pronounced that even Benny and Garth made comments about it.

Cas was mostly spending his time together with Balthazar nowadays and the sight of the two of them grated on Dean’s nerves. They would walk together, sit together, talk and laugh and touch. Balthazar would occasionally carry Cas’ books and what the hell was this anyway? The 1950s? Dean broke the glass he was holding when Cas touched Balthazar’s arms while laughing at his joke. The glass shattered to a thousand pieces in his hand and the whole cafeteria went dead quiet as the lunch lady hurried over to clean up and usher Dean to the nurse’s office. Dean just stared dumbly at his hand while the nurse cleaned the tiny cuts and went willingly when Bobby came to pick him up. Cas hadn’t even looked over at Dean.

The only positive thing about the last four weeks was that Lisa was okay. In fact, she was better than okay. It had only taken her about two weeks to get over Dean and to start dating Alastair, star quarterback. She was back to being flirty and funny around Dean and it made Dean calm. Maybe he should be mad at how easily she’d gotten over him and how easy it was for her to talk to him about her new boyfriend, as if he was more like a brother than a former lover, but he just wasn’t. Maybe it should have hurt his ego but it just felt nice and easy and he was grateful to her. He had even told her so and she had just hugged him. Relationships were never easy but Lisa sure as hell made it seem like it. Not like the situation with Cas…

Because yeah, Dean was finally ready to admit what that kiss had been about. Not out loud, of course, not even to himself when he was alone. But in the dark, under his covers and with his hand around his dick he knew. He and his dick knew.

But no one else ever could. No sir. Especially not with Cas making googly eyes at Balthazar, the smug British bastard. Well, bastard was possibly a little harsh. He did seem nice, which of course was worse. Dean wished he would be a douche so yanking Cas free of his arms would be more justified.

Not that they hugged or kissed a lot, though. In fact, Dean hadn’t ever seen them doing anything affectionate and that was, by all previous facts, rather odd when it came to Cas, who was usually very fond of showing his affections. Yeah, Dean had remembered a time when he and _Fergus_ had been making out a lot, in front of other people. And a time when Cas would sit with them in the cafeteria and sometimes lean a little against Dean’s arm… God, was that just a month ago? It seemed like a lifetime.

Anyway, the thing was that with Cas gone Dean finally understood what it had meant for him to have Cas in his life. Cas had always been there, ever since they moved to Sioux Falls, like a constant buzz in the back of Dean’s mind and boy did the lack of that buzzing sound loud. Cas was supposed to be there, in the background, smiling and cocking his head and wearing the goddamn hairpins. He was supposed to but he just wasn’t anymore and Dean did what he could to ignore the spreading emptiness inside of him.

It was on a rainy Wednesday in April that Dean’s resolve finally cracked. He hadn’t seen Cas and Balthazar making out but he sure as hell hadn’t really seen much of the pair at all and on this day he realized why. While walking to the parking lot after school he turned to a short cut over the football field and suddenly spotted Cas and Balthazar beneath the bleachers.

They sat comfortably, well away from the slow drizzle, Balthazar with his back to the bleachers and Cas lying on his back with his legs draped over Balthazar’s outstretched legs, resting his head on his arms. They were talking and smiling, Balthazar’s hand resting comfortably on Cas’ knee.

Dean felt like he had been sucker punched.

Was this where they spent most of their time? Was this where they were when Dean couldn’t find Cas? Not that he had been looking…

Yes he fucking had. Not actively but his eyes always sought out Cas in a crowd and this last month he hadn’t been finding him very much. He had said he needed to stay away from Dean but so had Lisa and she had gotten over it pretty quickly. Cas was still avoiding Dean and apparently this was what he did with his time instead. Fucking lying around with Balthazar petting his legs.

Dean saw red and had dialed Cas’ number before he knew what he was doing. He watched as Cas reacted to his phone buzzing and sitting up to draw it from his back pocket. Dean gritted his teeth when Cas looked confusedly at the screen for too long before he answered.

"Dean?" he asked as if it was uncommon for Dean to call him. Or as if Dean wasn’t allowed.

"I need to talk to you." Dean stated and he barely even recognized his own voice. It was more like a growl than anything else.

Cas sat up straighter and swung his legs off Balthazar, who looked confused now. Hah, let him be, Dean had Cas’ attention now and he felt perversely smug about it.

"Has something happened?"

_Yes_ , Dean wanted to scream. _I realized why I kissed you. I hate seeing you with that guy. I need you._ But he couldn’t because fuck.

" Can you meet me in the parking lot?"

Even from this distance he could see Cas frowning. "Sure."

"Now." Yeah, that wasn’t a question and Cas’ frown deepened.

"Sure." He answered again and Dean hung up, content with that answer.

He watched for a moment while Cas stared at his phone and then how he turned to Balthazar, obviously to excuse himself. Dean left then, needing to be at his car before Cas and not being able to handle it if Cas decided to kiss Balthazar goodbye.

When Cas arrived Dean was already leaning against Baby, his arms crossed over his chest. He was still mad but he was also anxious. Why the hell had he done this? What was there even to talk about? Wasn’t like he was going to fall to his knees and suck on Cas’ dick or something.

_Fucking hell…_

Cas stopped in front of Dean, looking worried and Dean thought maybe that was for the best for the moment. "What is it, Dean?" Cas asked and frowned when Dean opened the door.

"Get in." Cas didn’t budge and Dean’s eyes softened. "Please?"

Cas just studied Dean for a while and it definitely made Dean’s anger dissipate, replaced only by cold dread by the time Cas bobbed his head noncommittally and climbed into the car.

They didn’t speak as Dean drove them away from school. When Dean turned and started towards the make-out point Cas turned and looked at him for a moment but Dean didn’t return the stare so Cas dropped it.

He parked a little bit away from the usual spot, unsure whether someone else would be there even though it was barely afternoon and in the middle of the week. Fuck, he just wanted some privacy with Cas but the air in the Impala was getting stifling. At least it had stopped raining. Cas sighed when Dean turned off the ignition and got out of the car.

"Have you driven me out here to kill me?" Cas asked when he joined Dean outside and even though it was obviously a joke his tone completely destroyed it. He sounded so fucking tired.

Dean couldn’t look at him. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"So talk."

Dean sighed so deeply he felt light-headed. Cas actually looked surprised when Dean turned to him. "Not like _this_." Dean exclaimed and gestured between them. " Not like you’re some kind of passive-aggressive chick." His eyes softened when Cas pressed his lips together. "I wanna talk like we used to."

Cas looked away but Dean could still see the corners of his eyes and they were not dry. Crap.

"I don’t know if I can, Dean."

"Why the hell not, Cas?" Dean put a hand on Cas’ shoulder to turn him around and Cas let him. "I know I shouldn’t have kissed you, it was insensitive and I was dating your best friend but I-I’m not anymore, okay? I’m sorry you feel like I used you when you needed comfort and I’m sorry you feel like I cheated on Lisa or something but I can’t do anything more than feel sorry. I even broke up with her for y—" Dean stopped when Cas’ eyes suddenly were on his. Fuck, he had said too much already. More than he had been prepared to admit even to himself. "I don’t want you to be mad at me anymore."

"I’m not mad at you." Cas said, his voice low and somehow it sent a shiver down Dean’s spine.

"Yeah? Then what are you doing avoiding me?"

"I-I just can’t be around you at the moment." Cas mumbled but he stayed still where he was and Dean became acutely aware that he still had his hands on Cas’ shoulders.

"Is that why you’re hanging around with that Balthazar?" Dean gritted out and Cas looked confusedly at Dean. Dean felt as confused as Cas seemed at his outburst but he tried not to let it show.

"Balth and I are just friends…" Cas stated, albeit a little unsurely, as if he didn't know why Dean had anything to do with that and fuck, maybe he was right. Cas was free to hang out with whomever he wanted, right? Free to date and shit.

But goddamnit, Dean’s brain had short circuited a long time ago. "Yeah, right." He snorted and looked away but unconsciously clenched his hands on Cas.

Cas glanced down to Dean’s hands but even when Dean noticed he didn’t removed them. "Balthazar is straight, you know." Cas said and slowly dragged his eyes up to Dean’s again. "So nothing’s going on, if that’s what you’re worried about."

Dean didn’t know why that felt like a relief and he certainly didn’t know why it wasn’t enough to just make him let it go. He wanted to remove his hands but only managed to slide them down Cas’ arms. Cas didn’t seem to mind. In fact, when had he ever minded Dean’s hands on him?

"If… If he wasn’t, would you date him?" he mumbled, unable to meet Cas’ searching eyes.

"Are you asking if I think he’s attractive?"

"I guess." Dean shrugged and couldn’t fucking believe himself.

Cas shrugged too. "Sure." Okay, that answer shouldn’t feel like such a knife to the heart. "I mean, he’s good-looking and nice. But we’re just friends, it’s uncomplicated hanging out with him because I know where I have him. Where I have myself around him."

Fuck, that was definitely a jab at Dean’s inability to keep his lips off of Cas’. "But _we_ were like that, Cas." He said, finally meeting those unbelievingly blue eyes and he was very aware that he was pleading now but he didn’t care. Cas was so close but he had never felt farther away. " We were good friends, and you were safe with me and it was uncomplicated."

But Cas was shaking his head. "It really wasn’t, Dean." He mumbled and Dean was distantly aware that Cas’ hands had come up to clutch at Dean’s jacket. He sounded a little desperate.

"Sure it was." Dean said, too hopeful for his own ears and ducking his head as he tried to catch Cas’ fleeing gaze. "It was just you and me and we could talk about everything. Can you please talk to me again? Be my friend again."

"I can’t. Can’t be your friend."

Dean felt cold with dread. "Why not?" he all but whined. "Please, Cas, just talk to me."

"Can’t."

"Why not?!" he was practically shaking now, so desperate to right the wrong, to have Cas look at him again and just _see_ him.

" Because I _can’t_ , Dean!" Cas suddenly yelled and shoved Dean hard back against the car, looking fraught and strained. Dean’s hands landed on Cas’ waist when Cas crowded Dean against the Impala, hands in tight fists against Dean’s heaving chest. "I just fucking can’t talk to you about this. Not _you_." He shook his head and Dean wanted to speak but Cas continued before he got a chance. " Can’t talk to you about how you kissing me made me feel so loved and then, the moment when I remembered that you’re straight and dating my friend, so disgusting. About how you ripped my heart out with your carelessness because how could you ever return my feelings?" his eyes were brimming with tears when he met Dean’s shocked stare. "Can’t talk to you about how I fell in love with you after my birthday party when you gave me those stupid pins. Had to suppress it, had to because you didn’t give them to me because you loved me, not like I wanted you too. Can’t talk to you about how I tried to get over you by trying to date other guys, how happy I was when it didn’t work out so you could find me and comfort me. How I almost wished to have more things to be sad about so you would hug me more often." He thumped his fists against Dean’s chest once and then hid his face against them. Against Dean. Dean could smell Cas’ hair. "Can’t talk to you about how I fucked Gordon on that party because I saw you dancing with Lisa and I just couldn’t fucking take it, Dean. I _couldn’t_." His voice was getting raspier and Dean knew he was crying silently. " Can’t ever tell you how I fuck myself on my dildo, wishing it’s you and how I cry after I come, knowing it won’t ever be. I understand that you’re going through some stuff and I want to help you but I can’t. I can’t, Dean, because it’ll hurt myself too much." He extracted himself from Dean’s stunned half-embrace as suddenly as he had entered it and wouldn’t look at Dean. "So I just need some time away from you, just to get myself under control, so I don’t do anything stupid. Now please," he met Dean’s eyes and Dean could see the composure Cas forced on himself slowly sliding into place. "Take me home."

Dean just stared. It was too much information at once. Too much for him to process and he couldn’t believe Cas had been carrying all this around. All this time. How Cas had… For so long…

_I like you Dean._

" No fucking way." Dean breathed disbelievingly. Everything felt light. He felt light-headed and like he would float away if he didn’t have something to ground him. He needed _someone_ to ground him. He reached for Cas.

" What?" Cas asked, stunned, as Dean drew him in. Yes, what indeed but no, Dean knew what now.

He sealed his lips over Cas’ before the smaller boy could protest and God, it felt just as wonderful as the last time but this time Dean would be damned before he was interrupted. Cas squirmed against him but Dean was stronger and Cas wasn’t really trying to get away. This time when Dean licked over Cas’ lips Cas opened willingly on a little gasp that Dean swallowed greedily.

Fuck, no amount of kissing could ever have prepared Dean for this. Cas was responsive and pliant all at once, his lips soft and his tongue eager and nimble. Dean groaned, pleased, when he pulled his hands through Cas’ hair, feeling the soft strands just like he was supposed to feel them. Cas rolled his hips against Dean’s when Dean tugged at his hair and fuck, he could feel Cas’ dick hardening against his hip. He gasped and pulled back enough to be able to look at Cas.

"Jesus…" he mumbled and dragged his thumb down Cas’ throat, loving the feeling of his bobbing Adam’s apple.

"D-Dean." Cas stuttered, his hips still undulating slowly as if on their own accord. "What are you doing?"

Dean chuckled, low and throatily and it made Cas whimper lowly. Fuck yes. "What does it look like?"

"But—"

"Do you honestly think you can say stuff like that to me and expect me to not react like this?"

"But you’re straight."

Dean groaned in frustration but the sound still made Cas arch his back slightly. "I don’t know what I am, can we quit it with the labels, Cas?" he bent down to nibble at Cas’ plump lips. Cas snaked his arms around Dean’s neck to pull him in tighter. "Fuck, I’ve been so stupid, all this time. So much wasted time. I just… I just need you, alright? I regret kissing you when I did but I don’t regret the kiss. I…" he closed his eyes for a moment to collect himself. "I want you."

Fuck, it felt so foreign to say that to a guy. And he should probably be grossed out by Cas’ obvious hard-on but he so wasn’t. He felt proud that he had managed to do that to Cas, and he was so goddamn turned on himself that he could hardly breathe, and all from just a kiss.

His words seemed to spark something within Cas because his blue eyes lit up in a way Dean had never seen and he surged forwards, crushing his lips against Dean’s. Dean moaned and Cas slammed Dean up against the car again. Shit, Dean had never been manhandled before but his dick sure took an interest.

"Please." Cas was moaning against Dean’s mouth and his moans changed pitch when Dean’s strong hands landed on his ass, kneading. "I’ve needed you for so long, Dean. You’re so gorgeous, you don’t even know."

Dean gasped but it was impossible for him to say if it was because of Cas’ words or the fact that his hands were currently skimming down Dean’s body. His dick ached and leaked in his underwear and the memory of Cas, blissed out in the throes of orgasm, flashed before him.

"Cas." Dean hissed when Cas’ hands started fumbling with his zipper. "You too, fuck, you’re so beautiful." Damn, Dean had never been bad at sex talk but he felt like a goddamn virgin right now. And this was what he was supposed to be good at! This! Not talking and feelings and shit, they had muddled through that and now they had, thankfully, gotten to the part where Dean was supposed to ace it. Was supposed to make up for his lack in the other department but he was as passive and as stunned as he had been that first time his virginity got stripped.

Cas must have felt Dean tensing and he apparently misinterpreted it as Dean changing his mind because he pressed closer, kissing Dean desperately and fishing around Dean’s jeans to get his straining dick out.

"Please." Cas was saying again. "Please let me." Before Dean could figure out how to respond or even what Cas meant, Cas was sliding down to his knees in front of Dean. "Please let me have this, just this once, please Dean." Dean’s dick was standing tall and proud right in Cas’ face and Dean was clutching uselessly at the Impala, trying to get his racing pulse under control because fuck, _Cas wanted to suck him off_. Cas leaned in before Dean could say anything and nosed along the length. Dean groaned deeply and watched as a big blob of pre-come leaked out. " Yes." Cas hissed and promptly put one hand at the base of Dean’s dick and then licked a long stripe from base to top. "Wanted this for so long." Cas moaned and lay little kitten licks at the head. Dean tried desperately not to thrust his hips. "Ever since Fergus suggested it, fuck I couldn’t think of anything else for so long and then I saw you in the shower after gym class, _God_ …"

He leaned in again and fucking finally swallowed Dean’s leaking dick deeply. Dean put one hand on Cas’ head and howled wordlessly at the skies as Cas deepthroated him without any preamble. Hearing Cas saying such things and having him do this… Dean didn’t know what was what anymore and he was more than grateful for Baby’s presence behind him so that he had somewhere to lean when his knees gave out.

"Fucking hell." Dean groaned and carded his fingers through Cas’ hair. He had received a lot of blow-jobs in his life but nothing could compare to this. Cas’ tongue was skillfully working Dean over even as he sucked and Dean didn’t even know that was possible. Cas’ hand was playing with Dean’s tight balls and when Dean looked down he saw that Cas was staring up at Dean, his pupils so blown that his eyes looked only black.

"So goddamn good." Dean croaked out and cupped Cas’ jaw, loving the feel of it working as he took Dean’s dick effortlessly. "You’re so beautiful baby." He crooned and Cas closed his eyes and pulled back slightly to swallow. Dean traced his throat with his fingers. "You’ve been thinking about this?" Dean moaned breathlessly when Cas nodded and swallowed him down again. "Yeah, you have." Dean breathed. "Been thinking about my dick in your mouth as you come, fuck you’re so perfect." He all but screamed when Cas deepthroated him again and then swallowed around Dean’s dick. Fuck, the suction and the pull were getting to be unbearable.

"Need to come, Cas." He warned and was delighted when Cas put both his hands on Dean’s ass, pulling him in closer. "Fuck, gonna come any second, I-ah…" he looked down and saw that Cas still had his jeans on, his dick tenting them, and that Cas was making little thrusts up into the air. "You need to, too, huh?" he mumbled and put his hands in Cas’ hair again. "Yeah, just a little longer baby, gonna take such good care of you." Cas fucking _whined_ and that was it for Dean. His back arched off the Impala and his head fell back as he gasped and his dick pumped and pulsed in Cas’ eager mouth. Cas was swirling his tongue over Dean’s head and against his slit even as Dean came and it forced a choked little sob from Dean as he clutched Cas’ hair.

When he was done coming he slumped back against the car, unbelieving as to what had actually happened and to the fact that he could still remain standing after such an intense orgasm. Fuck, getting blown by Cas was better than any pussy Dean had ever had and how the fuck was that even possible?

He looked down then, remembering that this wasn’t just about him. Of course he would usually take care of the girls that had blown him before, if they’d wanted him to, but this, with a guy, shit Dean could really related to the pain of a really hard dick. Plus, he really wanted to reciprocate and he realized blearily that the thought of touching Cas’ dick wasn’t in the least off-putting, that it probably never really had been.

What met him when he looked down, though, made his breath catch in his throat. Cas was still sitting on his knees in the wet grass, licking his fingers clean of the come he hadn’t been able to swallow and that apparently had dribbled down his chin. He looked up when he noticed Dean’s crazy stare.

"Um…" he said and sheepishly lowered his hand, obviously thinking Dean was disgusted by the sight. Oh how wrong he was.

Dean took a steady grip on Cas’ jacket and promptly hauled him up to his feet, pulling him in for a forceful kiss. Cas moaned into it and eagerly licked his way inside Dean’s mouth. Dean tasted his own come and it wasn’t a taste he could claim to like but it reminded him of what just had happened and beneath it was the underlying taste of _Cas_ and it was awesome.

Cas’ hands fisted in Dean’s tee and Dean let his hands roam the lithe body. Cas was definitely smaller than Dean, in almost every sense of the word, but he sure as hell wasn’t girly. His body was sharp and angular and Dean thought that if anything, that would have been what would turn him off but it so fucking didn’t. Cas moaned again when Dean pressed his thumbs against his hips and he rolled lazily against Dean. That was when Dean remembered what the hell he was supposed to be doing. Fuck, kissing Cas really scrambled Dean’s brain.

He snaked one hand between them but when he placed the heel of his hand against Cas’ crotch to cup it he was met with a flaccid dick and a decidedly wet spot.

He broke the kiss to blink stupidly at Cas and Cas smiled shyly when Dean looked down to see that yes, Cas had already come.

"What?" Dean mumbled and squeezed once just for good measure, watching the wet spot and imagining that that was where the head had been.

"Sorry." Cas mumbled and Dean could hear the nervous laugh in his tone. "I just _really_ liked sucking you off."

Fuck, had Cas come untouched? Just from this? Dean had never, ever come untouched. Had only heard about it and scoffed because that didn’t fucking happen. Nothing was _that_ good.

" I…" he looked up and grinned wide when he saw that Cas was nervous about Dean’s reaction. "That’s awesome." He exclaimed and pulled Cas in for another quick kiss.

"Yeah?" Cas asked, obviously surprised with Dean’s reaction.

"Yeah." He deepened the kiss and turned them around so that he could press close to Cas, his hands on the other boy’s hips. "But next time we better be naked because I wanna see you." He blushed at his own words. "You know, when you’re…" he swallowed. It was still hard to say, apparently.

"Okay." Cas agreed breathlessly. "Next time."

"Yeah."

They kissed some more, small little licks, and then Dean drove Cas home, the silence in the car comfortable this time. Cas looked sated and sleepy and Dean looked over at him a lot and smiled every time. It was hard to tell who had initiated it but they were holding hands when they eventually pulled up outside Cas’ house.

Cas looked down at their joined hands. Dean slid closer as Cas lifted them to peck Dean on his knuckles.

"Thank you, Dean." He mumbled and Dean had to fight his blush off.

"Don’t thank me." He said and leaned in to nose against Cas’ cheek. "I’m not doing this as a favor, I-I’m selfish in this, too."

Cas smiled and for some reason it suddenly looked a little sad. "I love you Dean." He said after a silent moment and Dean’s breath stuck in his throat but he didn’t have time to even think about what he wanted to say before Cas continued. "You don’t have to say anything." His amazingly blues met Dean’s greens and he put a hand on Dean’s cheek. "I just needed to tell you. Need you to know."

Dean swallowed hard and apparently decided to say the worst thing that came to mind. "Okay."

Cas smiled a little, only a quirk of his lips, and reached down to his pocket — the one closest to his now dried wet spot, Dean noted absentmindedly. When he pulled out his hand again he held up the two hairpins and Dean inhaled sharply.

"You carried them around?" he asked unnecessarily and thought of all the times he had felt sad when he had seen Cas without the pins. To think that he had had them in his pocket this whole time…

"I couldn’t not have them with me." Cas confessed and sounded as sad as he looked. "I needed them to ground me." He reached up and fastened one of them in his hair before he looked back at Dean. "I love you, Dean." He said again and then reached over to put the other pin crookedly in Dean’s short hair. "Whatever happens I want you to know that and I want you to know that we’re okay." He leaned in and pecked Dean on the lips. "We’re okay." He repeated and smiled before exiting the car.

Dean watched as Cas disappeared into the house before he absentmindedly fingered the hairpin. With a blank mind he started the car and drove home.

Cas had said he loved him. Loved him not like a friend, Dean knew after what they had done and after what Cas had told him. No, loved him like a lover. Loved Dean like Dean was supposed to love Lisa but like he hadn’t been able to because he loved Cas instead. A boy.

Dean smiled goofily as he pulled up in front of Bobby’s house. Dean was in love, possibly for the first time in his life. In love with Cas and Cas felt the same way. He really did, he had said so. Dean laughed elatedly, feeling as if the last month hadn’t happened at all, hardly believing how hard it had been for him to admit this to himself. When he thought about how easy it felt to say it now he laughed even harder, feeling as if all was right with him now. As if all his worries had lifted because Cas had said he loved him. And…

And shit, Dean hadn’t said it back. He sure felt it back but he _hadn’t said it_. He abruptly stopped laughing.

Cas had given him the hairpin, saying they were okay. That, that was shit you said when you thought it was done and over with, wasn’t it? As if… As if he had anticipated Dean choking. As if he expected Dean to be done with him now that he had gotten an orgasm out of him. As if Dean really had just wanted to take advantage of Cas all along. How the hell could Cas think such a thing?

_I didn’t say it._

Dean leaned down over the steering wheel and tried to get his breathing under control. After all Cas had told him Dean still hadn’t been able to say it back, what the hell was wrong with him? All he had managed was a weak _I need you, I want you_. That just wasn’t the same, was it? Or was it and Cas knew? But he had looked so fucking sad. _Please let me have this, just this once._

Dean was hyperventilating by the time Bobby knocked on the window, unable to deal with these new feelings.

"What’s wrong, son?" Bobby asked and opened the door when Dean just couldn’t. "You’ve been sitting out here for almost half an hour."

Bobby actually, physically, jerked back when Dean turned his grimace up at the older man. "I-I…" he huffed and tried to take a deep enough breath but it just wasn’t happening. Why the hell was this so hard? Fuck, breaking up with Lisa hadn’t been half as hard as this. Was this what being in love was like? In that case he didn’t fucking want it. He just wanted Cas.

Bobby’s strong hand gripped Dean’s upper arm and Dean soon found himself standing beside his car, Bobby searching his eyes and looking concerned as hell. Great, yet another thing for Dean to worry about.

"What happened?" Bobby demanded and Dean gaped like a guppy for a moment before he bent over, putting his hands on his knees and sucking in deep breaths.

"I didn’t say it back." He managed between gasps and he felt Bobby awkwardly pat him on the back.

"Say what?"

"He said he loved me, Bobby." Dean gasped desperately. "And I didn’t say it back."

"He?"

Dean looked up and boy did Bobby look confused now but fuck if Dean cared about that. Let’s deal with the whole homosexuality thing later, right now he needed Bobby’s advice.

"I didn’t say it back, what do I _do_?"

Bobby stared at Dean for a long while and Dean took the time to get his breathing under control.

"Well," Bobby started when Dean finally was breathing through his nose again. "Do you want to? Say it, I mean."

And fuck, Dean would never be as grateful to Bobby as he was at that moment. "Yes." He said, his voice a low whisper.

"So do it."

Dean stared at the man, wild-eyed, and Bobby placed a comforting hand on Dean’s shaking shoulder. "Just like that? Is it… It’s not too late?"

Bobby rolled his eyes. "Depends. When did he say it and what did you do?"

"I…" Dean swallowed, dreading his own answer. "Today, and I said okay."

"‘Okay’?"

"I know!" Dean bent down again, his anxiety getting the better of him. "I know, I fucked up."

Bobby scoffed. "So say it tomorrow, first thing. It’s not too late, Dean."

"No?"

Bobby patted his back again. "No. If he really loves you he knows you well enough to know how you would respond."

_I love you Dean._ Cas kissing him, Cas putting on the hairpins. _We’re okay._ Cas smiling, Cas holding Dean’s hand. _We’re okay._

" Fuck." Dean mumbled but he felt calmer than before. Bobby was right. When Dean looked up Bobby was still looking a little unsure of the situation but Dean realized it was because he didn’t know if Dean was alright. "I can tell him tomorrow." Dean said but made it sound like a question.

Bobby nodded. "First thing. It’s never too late for love, Dean." He put his arm around Dean’s shoulders and started leading the teen to the house. "You and your brother have lived a long time without it so when you find it you should work on keeping it." He pushed the door open and let Dean inside. "It’s out there, Dean, and it sounds like you’ve found it, for you to be reacting like this. Even if it is with another boy."

Dean’s stomach churned nervously and he turned to look at Bobby while he hung up his jacket. "Is… Is that okay?"

Bobby looked at him like he was slow in the head. "Yes, Dean." He answered and it sounded like he was spelling it out just to be sure Dean got it. Dean felt grateful. "It’s okay. Judging by how upset you were about this and how not upset you were about breaking up with Lisa I’d have to say it was okay even if I didn’t think so." Dean blushed and wanted to crawl and hide beneath his bed. "Just tell me it’s a decent boy."

"God, Bobby, I’m not a stupid girl."

"I dunno." Bobby mused as they went into the kitchen. "Seems to me only girls cry in the car over nothing."

"Watch it old man." Dean grumbled but he was smiling, feeling elated in ways only Bobby’s advice could make him.

"Now," Bobby turned around and poked Dean directly at the hairpin. Dean flinched, both at the feeling and at the realization that he still had it in his hair. "Do you want to tell me what this is about?"

Was Bobby asking if Dean was crossdressing too? Well, Dean supposed it was a valid question but he felt hot all over with embarrassment just thinking about it. He carefully slid the pin out of his hair.

"It’s Cas’." He said and studied the pin for a moment before fastening it to his pocket like he had before.

Bobby studied the pin too, obviously remembering seeing it on Dean’s clothes and, if Dean knew the man, putting two and two together.

"Cas? That him?"

Dean nodded. "Castiel Novak."

Bobby nodded too. "I know his father."

"Yeah?"

"He’s a good man."

Dean burst out laughing. Was Bobby still concerned Dean was getting mixed up with the wrong crowd or something? Dean didn’t care, he liked Bobby being protective, like a real father.

"Good." Dean said and laughed even harder at Bobby’s fake-sour expression. "Now I feel much better."

"You watch your tone, boy. And go call your brother, he needs to come home from wherever you left him while you were out on your little date or whatever."

All mirth suddenly left Dean at the mention of Sam. "Oh shit, Sammy." He gasped and ran out to the hall, grabbing his jacket.

"What?" Bobby asked and followed Dean out to the Impala.

"I forgot to tell him." Dean said and hurriedly started the car, raking up the gravel as he sped away.

"I swear…" Bobby muttered and slowly climbed inside the house again to start up dinner. "These kids’ll give me a goddamn heart attack one of these days."

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Sappy McSapsap...

  
  


Dean was so eager to get to school the day after that he almost forgot Sam again. But this time it was at home, at least, and Dean had been so happy when he’d picked up his sulky brother the evening before that Sam hadn’t been able to stay mad at Dean.

"Where’s Cas?" Dean demanded as soon as he found his friends but not his… Cas wasn’t with them. Not that that was very unusual these days but if someone knew where Cas was in the morning it would be his brother.

"Good morning to you too." Benny smirked and Dean blushed but didn’t bother to hide it. He really needed to talk to Cas and if the boy for some reason had decided not to come to school again Dean would fucking drive home to him and make him talk to Dean.

"He forgot his backpack in the car." Gabe informed Dean and grinned lazily as he gave Dean a once over. "He seemed awfully distracted this morning."

"So?" Dean mumbled but felt ridiculously happy at the thought that maybe Cas was thinking as much about Dean as Dean was of him.

"So he’s probably at his car." Gabe clarified. "He’ll be in soon."

Not fucking soon enough. Dean turned on his heel and started making his way outside again, already berating himself that he had missed the boy as Cas went outside when Dean came in. Benny yelled something after him and Gabe laughed but Dean didn’t hear and didn’t care. Cas was all he had in mind. He needed to tell him and needed to do it now. Last night had been one of the longest of Dean’s life. He was both happy and anxious and it was making him feel sweaty and light-headed. He didn’t like it. Wanted Cas in his arms to make it better and wanted it now. Shit, his dam had really broken and thoughts of Cas in all kinds of boyfriend-related situations forced themselves on Dean’s mind all the time. And he liked it, only regretted not having realized sooner.

As he entered the parking lot he quickly scanned it, seeing it mostly empty of people but full of cars. Cas’ old Lincoln was easy to spot, though, and he thought he saw Cas by it so he quickly started making his way over.

When he closed in on it he could see that Cas was not alone. In fact, he seemed to be engaged in a rather heated discussion with… Was that Gordon?

Dean stopped dead in his tracks when he saw that yes, that was definitely Gordon. Even though he hadn’t seen the guy for over a month he clearly remembered him. Remembered what he had looked like as he plowed Cas. As Cas begged for him to go harder and faster and—what the hell, were they kissing?

Dean started forwards again, unbelieving and yes, Gordon was holding Cas’ wrists as Cas’ hands rested on the taller man’s chest and they were kissing. Dean’s stomach felt heavy as lead. It… Bobby had said it wasn’t too late. But then again, Dean thought as he watched, his mouth dry as sand, what the hell did Bobby know? He was just an old man. His wife died a long time ago. What the hell did anyone know?

Dean stopped and watched from a safe distance. For what, he didn’t know. Maybe so that he could burn this into his mind so that he would know next time. Would know that this wasn’t for him. That love wasn’t actually for everyone.

But just as Dean was about to turn away Cas wrenched himself free and Dean realized that the kiss, which had seemed to go one for eons, had actually only been a quick closed-mouth kiss. And Cas had his face scrunched up in a sour grimace. Dean’s stomach did strange flippety-flops at the sight.

"Stop it, Gordon." He heard Cas protest and Dean understood now that Gordon weren’t as much holding Cas’ wrists as preventing him from punching his chest. Cas struggled uselessly.

"Come on, Cassie." Gordon laughed. "You say no but we both know you like it."

"N-no, Gordon, I—" Cas was abruptly interrupted by Gordon flipping him around and slamming him harshly up against the car. Cas’ breath was punched out of him and he looked pained as Gordon pressed up close against his back.

"Stop being a tease, _Novak_." Gordon growled in Cas’ ear and pinned Cas’ hands to the roof of the car when Cas tried to push out. " That act is getting really boring."

"Please don’t." Cas whispered when Gordon started rubbing himself against Cas. Gordon laughed.

Dean’s vision kind of blacked out.

The next thing he knew was how he was standing over Gordon’s prone form, panting and with reddened knuckles. Gordon was bleeding and screaming at Dean and someone was holding Dean back by his arm.

"You stay the fuck away!" Dean roared, his voice a low baritone and Gordon flinched even as he was getting to his feet. "You stay away from him or I will goddamn beat you to death, do you hear me?!"

"You’re fucking insane." Gordon barked and spat at the ground, blood and saliva mixed. Dean lunged at him but Gordon managed to back up and then he was running to one of the cars. Dean didn’t relax his posture until Gordon had driven away.

"Dean!"

He jumped and turned around, only to meet Cas’ very concerned face. "Cas." He whispered, his anger dissipating immediately, and reached for the other boy. Cas blinked worriedly but let Dean cradle his face in his bloodied hands. "Cas, are you alright baby?" he mumbled and pulled Cas closer, stroking Cas’ cheeks with his thumbs.

"I-I am." Cas swallowed and put his hands on Dean’s. "Are _you_?"

" Me?"

Cas frowned in worry. "I thought you were going to kill him."

Dean scowled. "He was going to rape you."

Cas’ expression actually softened at that and he smiled for some unfathomable reason. "Dean." He said, sounding both mocking and amused. "It’s out in the open, in the middle of a busy school parking lot. He just wanted to scare me."

Dean’s scowl remained so intact it was a possibility it would be forever etched on his face. "That doesn’t make it okay."

"Of course it doesn’t." Cas conceded but sounded as if this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. It made Dean clutch him tighter.

"Cas, I don't want anyone hurting you." He leaned down and grazed his lips against Cas’. "I don’t want anyone else touching you like that. I…" he sighed contentedly when he felt Cas move his lips against his. "I thought you were kissing him because you wanted to. Please tell me I’m not too fucking late."

Cas moved his body in against Dean’s. "Too late for what?"

"You said you love me."

"I do."

"I fucking do too, alright?"

Cas looked softly at him. "I know. You don’t have to say it Dean, I know you so I know."

But fuck, that just made Dean feel even worse. Cas knew him enough to know Dean would be scared of saying it back? Was that what he had meant when he’d said they were okay? Dean didn’t think that was okay at all.

He shook his head. "I do, I _do_ have to say it because you deserve to hear it and… And I want you to me mine, okay? Only mine."

Cas practically purred and the sound vibrated through Dean’s whole body. He hugged Cas close, pressed him up against Dean’s larger frame, cradled the back of his head, and kissed him like he fucking deserved to be kissed.

"Yes." Cas hissed when Dean moved them back so that he could press Cas up against the car as his hands roamed Cas’ back and ass.

"Can I be your boyfriend? Not only once, but always. Can you be only mine?" Dean asked, his mouth against Cas’ neck so that he could hide his face from the embarrassment of asking such a thing but fuck, he needed to ask it. Needed Cas to hear it and needed Cas’ answer.

"Yes, Dean." Cas moaned and bucked his hips against Dean. Shit, Cas was growing hard already. Dean’s head swam. "Yes, Dean, _please_ make me yours."

Dean drew a shuddering breath and inhaled so much of Cas’ intoxicating scent that he felt dizzy. Fucking yes, this was—

"Boys!"

They broke apart instantly and blinked owlishly at the teacher that was walking briskly towards them. Dean still held Cas’ hip and Cas had his hand on Dean’s chest, both unable to let go.

"Mr. Henriksen." Cas answered, polite as ever.

"What are you still doing here?" Mr. Henriksen asked, clearly annoyed. "Homeroom’s already started."

"I think it’s pretty obvious what we’re doing, teach." Dean smirked, regaining his usual cockiness now that he had Cas. Now that everything was right again.

Mr. Henriksen’s eyes narrowed as he took in their breathless appearances and Dean’s red knuckles. He nodded once when he obviously didn’t find any other injuries on either boy.

"Get inside before I write you a detention slip."

"Yes, Mr. Henriksen." Cas chirped and started pulling Dean behind him. Dean went willingly, smirking at the teacher as they passed.

They managed to keep quiet long enough to actually get inside but well away from the strict teacher Dean burst out laughing. Cas sniggered, too, as he glanced back at Dean.

"It wasn’t that funny." Cas informed him as they were waiting outside homeroom for their friends, neither one particularly willing to enter now that it would be almost over.

"It was kind of funny." Dean grinned and pulled Cas in for a short kiss. "And I’m laughing because I’m relieved."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Dean pecked Cas on the nose. "And because you forgot your backpack in the car, again."

Cas blinked at him and then groaned when he realized that yeah, Dean was right. Dean laughed again.

Dean waited outside as Cas went in to announce their attendance when the rest of the class trotted out of the classroom. He smiled and waved at Garth and Benny when they walked up to him.

"So did you find Cas?" Benny asked and Dean nodded but didn’t have time to say anything else before Cas came back. Dean snuck his hand down to Cas’, entangling their fingers.

"You were looking for me?" Cas asked and actually sounded surprised.

"Well, yeah." Dean grinned. "Why did you think I was out there? I wanted to talk to you."

"About what?" Cas asked and God, he could be so clueless sometimes that Dean’s heart ached.

He lifted their joined hands. "This, idiot." He smirked and Cas looked down before grinning stupidly.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Their staring was interrupted by Benny awkwardly clearing his throat and shit, Dean had managed to forget the presence of his friends in about five seconds after Cas entered his field of vision. And from the looks of it Cas had been equally as forgetful.

"So…" Benny drawled in that accent of his. "Wanna tell us what this is about?" he pointed at their still joined hands and Dean groaned in defeat.

"Not really." He muttered but when Cas leaned in to peck him on the cheek he realized that, yeah, he actually fucking wanted to scream this out.

"I’ll go find the girls." Cas mumbled against Dean’s stubble and then slipped away effortlessly. Dean watched him go with an apparently very doe-eyed expression because both Garth and Benny laughed at him.

"What?" he grumbled.

"Nothing." Garth sniggered as they started making their way over to the cafeteria for some quick breakfast. "Just didn’t think you were the type."

"What type?"

"The type to swoon over someone, brother." Benny stated and then grinned when Dean tried to glare at him.

"So, what are we laughing about?" Gabe asked as they joined him in the cafeteria. Dean refused to answer and just snagged some dried fruit from Gabe’s smorgasbord of a breakfast.

"About Dean here being all lovey-dovey with your little brother." Benny smirked and boy, Gabe’s eyebrows shot so fast to the ceiling that Dean thought he might never get them down again.

"Come again?"

"That’s what he said." Garth cracked and Benny burst out laughing while Dean hid his face against the table.

"Please." He groaned. "Can we not talk about this?"

"No, no." Gabe said and fuck, that was his big brother voice. Dean knew because he had one himself. "I wanna hear all about you trying to get with my little brother."

"Really?" Benny asked and Dean didn’t even bother lifting his head. "You want to hear _everything_?"

" Well," Gabe sounded slightly put off. "Maybe not _every_ -everything."

"Good." Dean muttered. Really, he had kind of thought Gabe knew something was up already. It was possible that he just wanted Dean to admit it but fuck if Dean was going to indulge him that easily.

"Still," Garth said and sounded much less mocking. "How long has this been going on?"

Dean actually lifted his head and dared to look at his friends. "Not long." He admitted.

"Was this why you broke up with Lisa?" Gabe asked and there it was, that knowing tone. Dean considered telling them the same lie he had been telling himself but no, he needed to be honest because that was apparently who he was now. Honest-Dean from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, how do you fucking do?

"Yes." He said and tried to make it sound as sincere as he felt. "Although I didn’t think so at the time."

Gabe pressed his lips together and nodded slowly, knowing look firmly set. "As long as it’s working."

"I…" that was a strange thing to say, Dean thought but decided not to comment on it. "It is." He stated instead and Gabe nodded again.

"I think it’s cute." Garth put in and Dean actually blushed.

"Please don’t say that." He mumbled and wanted to hide again.

"Aw, come on brother." Benny grinned widely. "It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Cas is really pretty after all."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Gabe almost barked and Dean got it, got that Gabe was saying Cas’ looks shouldn’t have everything to do with this and sure, Dean agreed that it was Cas’ personality that was fascinating but really didn’t hurt that he was hot, too.

"Don’t be like that." Benny said, still grinning. "Cas is pretty enough for any guy to want to kiss, ‘s all I’m saying."

"I’m sure Dean sees something more." Gabe sounded so offended it was adorable. Had this been anyone else than his baby brother Dean had no problem imagining Gabe participating in the japing. Obviously Benny thought so too because he smirked and kept edging Gabe on.

"I’m sure he does." He agreed and slapped Dean on the shoulder. "I’m just saying Cas is pretty, that’s all. And in the dark, a mouth is a mouth is a mouth, ya know?"

"Yeah, I’d kiss him." Garth piped up and that was apparently it for Gabe. He shot up out of his chair.

"I’m out." He announced and then turned to point menacingly at Dean. "_Don’t_ hurt him."

Dean made a cross over his heart. "Promise." He smiled and watched fondly as Gabe left with the chorus of his friends’ laughter accompanying him. When Gabe had left the cafeteria Dean dragged the remained of his breakfast over. "That was fun."

"Yeah." Garth agreed. "It’s not often we get one over the trickster himself."

"Good one, though." Dean said, his mouth full of Gabe’s half-eaten sandwich. "Pretending to wanna get with Cas."

"Oh, I wasn’t kidding." Benny announced, putting his — Gabe’s — now empty juice box down. "I’d probably kiss Cas, if he was willing and I was drunk enough."

Dean almost choked on the bread. "Wh-what?"

"No homo or nothing but Benny’s right. Lips are lips and kissing and stuff you can do with anyone." Garth stated and looked questioningly at Dean. "Right?"

"I’d even let him suck me." Benny stated and Dean didn’t know if he should pummel his friend for talking about his boyfriend like that. His fists sure ached to do so. Cas didn’t like people thinking he was some kind of cockslut after all. Still, somehow Dean didn’t think that this was about that.

"What are you talking about?" Dean asked and even though he tried to keep his calm his voice obviously betrayed him because Benny suddenly looked at him like he realized what he was saying.

"Shit, I didn’t mean it like that, brother." Benny hastened to say and Dean convinced himself that there was no harm done.

"Yeah." Garth added and reached over to pat Dean on his slightly shaking hand. "We were just saying Cas is good-looking but you don’t have to worry, we’re your friends."

"Plus we’re not gay." Benny added and Dean turned to him, his eyes apparently still a little crazy, from the concerned look Benny returned.

"How is you thinking about kissing him not gay?" he asked, his voice deceptively calm but this was actually something he wanted to know. He thought a lot about kissing Cas, didn't that make him gay? What if it didn’t and he wouldn’t be able to give Cas what he wanted. What if he couldn’t be gay enough for Cas?

"Because, first of all, I don’t go around _thinking_ about kissing Cas." Benny said in a voice that told Dean he was choosing his words very carefully as not to upset Dean further. Good. " I was just saying it hypothetically. And second, if I were to kiss a dude, any dude, or let them suck me I would be out and done when I was finished. I wouldn’t want to return the favor, ya know?"

Dean didn’t really know. "What the hell’s the difference?"

Garth patted Dean’s hand again to get his attention. "We don’t fancy the idea of looking at other guys when they’re aroused."

"Um…" Dean’s brain was working furiously.

"Yeah." Benny said and started eating again. "Do you want to see Cas naked? Do you wanna touch his ding-dong?"

Images, so many images. Cas’ red and swollen dick. Cas arching his back as he whimpered and came. Cas coming in his pants as he sucked Dean off. _Next time we better be naked because I wanna see you._

Dean had never blushed so hard in his life. "Um…" he said again, uselessly, but somehow his friends understood. Garth patted Dean’s hand one last time before he, too, dug in on what was left of Gabe’s breakfast.

"See? Gay." He took a big spoonful of the now soggy cereal. "Or Cas-sexual maybe?"

"Fuck." Dean groaned and thumped his forehead down on the table. "This is so goddamn _awkward_."

" Not at all, brother." Benny mused. "If it were a girl you’d be all about talking."

"I suppose." Dean grumbled but still didn't lift his head. Benny did have a point, though.

"Besides." Garth added, his tone light, and it made Dean glance up at him. "We’ve been around Cas long enough to become immune to the awkwardness concerning these kinds of topics."

Benny chuckled. "Yeah, do you want boyfriend-advice? We’ve had to listen to Cas and the girls for so long that we’ve pretty much heard it all."

Somehow that made Dean smile "Really?"

"Yeah." Garth nodded enthusiastically. "At one point in middle school they gossiped so much we started calling them all girls. Cas wasn’t so happy about that, though." He grinned as if it was a fond memory so Dean lifted his head again and smiled, happy to hear about Cas’ childhood.

Benny snorted. "Then he shouldn’t have worn that barrette to school."

"He has the hairpins now." Dean pointed out and Benny rolled his eyes.

"Sure, but that barrette was big and had a bow on it. Be more obvious, can you?"

Garth sniggered and Dean smiled. "Besides," Garth said. "The hairpins he got from you, right?"

Dean’s smile faltered a little. "You… He told you?"

"He told the girls." Benny said with a kind smile. "Bela said she’d never seen him so happy as when he showed them off. Guess we should have known then, huh?"

_Known what?_ Dean wanted to ask. Known that Dean liked Cas or that Cas liked Dean? Boy, Dean felt really slow on the uptake on this one…

" Anyway," Garth added, sounding very big brother-like. "You shouldn't be ashamed to talk to us about stuff like this. You may only have known us for a couple of months but Cas is one of our best friends, we want him to be happy."

"Yeah." Benny glared pointedly at Dean. "Gabe was right, you better be nice to Cas."

Dean held his gaze steadily. "I will."

"Good."

"So," Garth pointed at Dean’s scuffed knuckles. "You wanna tell us what that is about?"

Dean absentmindedly rubbed his hands together. "Found a guy groping Cas when I went to look for him this morning. Guess I went a little overboard when I told him to stop it."

Garth blinked and Benny burst out guffawing. "Man, you’re such a sucker for Cas."

Dean smiled like a dork. "I guess I am."

He really was and he wasn’t even sorry.

  


*****

  


It wasn’t until lunch break that Dean saw Lisa and Bela. They both smiled at him, Bela’s a little more of a smirk than Dean would have liked, but it still felt good to see that they weren’t mad at him.

"Hey Dean." Bela leered and continued into the cafeteria when Dean held Lisa back.

"Yeah, yeah." He muttered and then turned to smile at Lisa. "Hey."

"Hi." She said cheerily. "So I heard you got yourself someone new."

"Um, yeah."

She laughed her little silver bell laugh and he relaxed a little. "Calm down." She said and patted his cheek. "I’m happy for you."

"Really? I’d kinda thought it was frowned upon to date your friends’ exes?" he smirked and she rolled her eyes at him as they started walking into the cafeteria.

"It is." She conceded. "But Cas is just…" she pursed her lips. "Happy, you know?"

Dean’s eyes immediately found Cas’ slim back in the crowd. "Yeah." He agreed, a little too dreamily but fuck if he cared at the moment. "I know."

She laughed again and slapped him on the shoulder. "So, good for us. I have a quarterback and you have a little nerd, we’re happy."

Yeah, Dean had basically stopped listening by now. He was already sidling over to Cas and leaving Lisa behind. Man, he hadn’t seen Cas for almost an hour now and it felt like a goddamn lifetime. A whole month without Cas had really done a number on Dean but he didn’t care, wasn’t afraid to admit it anymore. He just wanted to be close to Cas.

Without thinking and looking at what Cas actually was doing, Dean snaked his arms around his narrow waist and bent down to peck him on his pale neck. Cas jumped in his arms.

"Dean!" he exclaimed and Dean fucking loved how Cas knew it was him before he had even seen him.

"Hey gorgeous." He mumbled against Cas’ skin. "Missed you."

Cas put his hands on Dean’s arms. "Missed you too."

"Ah, young love." Someone with a decidedly non-American-accent said and Dean snapped his eyes up only to be met by the sight of Balthazar grinning at the two of them.

"Dean, um, you remember Balthazar." Cas introduced unnecessarily and blushed as if he knew what was going on in Dean’s mind, which he probably did.

Dean knew this was pivotal for Cas, for them. Would Dean turn out to be a jealous bastard of a boyfriend who kicked every guys’ ass? Or would he be civil? He had been nothing but civil with Lisa and before that he had never had any real boyfriend-experience so past events would point to civil and proper. He had never been in love before, though, and images of Gordon’s grabby hands and Balthazar’s hand on Cas’ knee flashed before Dean’s eyes.

He extended a hand for Balthazar to shake. "Nice to meet you, mate."

Balthazar’s shake was firm and short. "Likewise, I’ve heard a lot about you."

Dean quirked an eyebrow and then glanced at Cas, who blushed and looked anywhere but Dean. "Really?" he asked, suddenly amused.

"I-I’ll go get lunch." Cas interrupted and slithered out of Dean’s embrace. "What do you want, Dean?"

"Aw." Dean cooed, somehow enjoying embarrassing Cas in front of his friend. Cas, who never batted an eye at showing affection but who was suddenly bright red. "You buying me dinner, sweetheart?"

"Dean." Cas hissed when Balthazar laughed.

Dean leaned in and kissed Cas briefly on the lips. "Anything you get me will be good enough, you know that."

"Yes, I…" Cas blinked when Dean leaned back out. "Yes."

He left with that and Dean chuckled lowly, amazed at having such an effect on someone, let alone Cas.

"I’m glad you two got together." Balthazar said suddenly, out of the blue, and Dean raised his eyebrows at him. Balthazar shrugged. "What? Cas didn’t tell me a lot but he did say he had a crush on you but that it didn’t work out. Only because I asked why he wasn’t sitting with you guys anymore." He smiled. "He’s so straight-forward."

Dean smiled too and watched as his boyfriend — wow, would he ever tire of that word? — shuffled along in the lunch queue. "Yeah." He agreed but sort of wished Cas could have been that straight-forward with him from the beginning. Of course, he had been dead set on being straight then so maybe it had been for the best. He knew that Cas had had some bad experience with straight guys before so that had probably been a contributing factor.

"Cas is a really good friend of mine." Balthazar said and watched Dean carefully. "I’m happy he’s happy."

Yeah, Dean knew where this conversation was going and he was not having it. Again. "You know," he said and turned wholly to Balthazar. "I owe you an apology."

"You do?" Balthazar asked, obviously confused.

Dean nodded. "I do. I thought you were perving on Cas." He shrugged half-heartedly. "I’ve kind of hated you for a while now. Sorry."

Balthazar blinked. "‘Perving’?" he asked and then laughed. "You thought I was interested in Cas?" Dean shrugged again. "Yeah, no. Sorry, he’s great and all but I’m not gay."

"No, I know, he told me." Dean swallowed and then grinned lopsidedly. "Didn’t stop me from hating how affectionate he was with you, though."

Balthazar nodded. "I get it but you don’t have to worry."

"I don’t, I trust Cas."

"Good." Balthazar suddenly smiled provocatively and Dean raised his eyebrow in question. "Have to say, though, I wouldn’t have pegged you for gay, either."

Dean tried to swallow and clear his throat at the same time and ended up coughing weakly. "I-I dunno if I am. I just like Cas, ‘s all."

Balthazar slapped him on the back to help with his sudden breathing problem. "But you like having sex with him and stuff, right? So you’re gay for Cas at least." He was still smiling so it was obviously still just a joking tease for him but his words stuck in Dean’s mind.

"We… We haven’t really…" he harrumphed and looked away when Balthazar’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Well, you’ve not been together for that long, so—"

"But what if I can’t?" Dean blurted out, suddenly very interested in sharing his fears with this stranger. Apparently. Man, it was easy for Dean to understand why Cas had taken such a liking to this guy. His laidback attitude made it easy to talk, almost too much. No reason to stop now, though. "You don’t know me but I kinda suck at relationships. All I’m good at is sex and here, with Cas, I’m practically a virgin again."

Fuck, this wasn’t the first time this thought had crossed Dean’s mind. It was getting to be an actual concern of Dean’s. One that he admittedly hadn’t voiced before, barely even to himself because when the hell would he have found time to do that? But pictures of Gordon with his dick up Cas’ ass swam before Dean and he realized, in a sudden whoosh, that Dean were probably supposed to replace Gordon in those pictures. He would have to stick his dick up someone’s asshole. Even if that someone was Cas it was still a goddamn asshole. Dean suddenly got afraid he would start hyperventilating in the cafeteria.

Balthazar grounded him with a hand on his shoulder. "Word of advice?" he asked and Dean nodded so vigorously that it felt like his head might fall off. "Don’t voice these concerns to Cas just yet. Go home, watch some gay porn because you know, instructions. And then, _talk_ to Cas. He’s not stupid and he’s a dude too, he knows whats what. And," Balthazar turned to look at Cas as he was finally making his way back to them. " I don’t think it’s gonna be a problem, you know? He really, really likes you."

Fuck that was good advice, actually. Gay porn, free instructional videos. Dean nodded when Balthazar glanced back at him. "Thanks man."

Balthazar smiled. "No problem."

"You know, you should sit with us." Dean said just as Cas joined them and if Cas’ stunned expression was anything to go by Dean guessed his invitation made his boyfriend happy, if surprised.

"Sure." Balthazar answered with an easy grin and Dean took the lunch trays from Cas to carry them for him as they made their way over to the rest of their friends.

"Did something happen while I was gone?" Cas asked lowly so only Dean heard. "Because I think I was gone for like five minutes tops."

"I just realized I don’t want to be a jealous boyfriend." Dean smirked. "And that Balthazar is kind of cool."

"Okay." Cas said slowly, obviously still unsure of the development but he smiled when Dean kissed him before they sat down and Dean just thought about how fucking perfect Cas was.

Yeah, Dean had some goddamn research to do because shit, Cas deserved the best.

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Thank you for reading and supporting! <3**
> 
> And a special thank you to BlackDog who wrote the wonderful fic that insipred me to begin with! =D

  
  


Okay, there was just no fucking way this was going to work. No. Fucking. Way.

It was Saturday and Dean had been avoiding being too alone with Cas the whole Thursday and Friday for fear of embarrassing himself. Cas had looked funnily at Dean when Dean had declined his invitation to come home with him after school yesterday but what the fuck was Dean to do? Oh, that’s right, get some fucking instructions.

Dean was alone in his room now, Sam at soccer practice and Bobby down in the garage because when was he not, and Dean had his laptop in front of him on his bed as he watched porn. Gay porn, to be specific. Barebacking, to be super specific. And it was just… It was horrible.

This was the third video he was watching and it was so far the most thorough one. The other two had started off with the guys kissing — okay — and then sucking each other off — still somewhat okay — and then they had jumped straight to the fucking. No mention of the obvious preparations that ramming someone up the ass would take. Dean told himself that that was why he had shut the videos off and gone off to search for others.

Now, as he was watching this really bulky dude fingering some twink, he wasn’t so sure. It just looked uncomfortable and insanitary, to be honest.

Dean had once come really close to anal with a woman he was sleeping with in Lawrence so he had done a little research before but she had backed out at the last moment. At the time he had played it cool but now he was starting to realize he probably had been more relieved than she when they didn’t go through with it.

The twink suddenly moaned prettily and arched his back, pressing against the other man and the man mumbled something that was too low for the sound to pick up. Dean supposed it was good, then, if he moaned like that. Right? Then again, this was a porno and not an amateur video, they kind of _had_ to sound as if they enjoyed it. Dean knew that was the case with women in pornos too but it was easier to buy, they were after all doing stuff that supposedly felt good to a woman but this… Taking it up the ass like this? On the other hand, there were lots of pornos with women doing anal too and that was popular. Not that Dean had ever watched one.

Still, Cas had seemed to enjoy this, hadn’t he? Dean closed his eyes and tried to imagine what Cas would look like if he was on all fours in front of Dean, ass presented while Dean caressed him. Bet Cas would moan beautifully. Actually, Dean knew he would. He palmed lazily at his crotch as he thought about Cas on that bed at that party, replacing Gordon with himself. Yes, that could work, maybe.

Then the fucking twink moaned again and his voice was all wrong. Dean’s eyes snapped open and he was sad to realize he didn’t even sport a semi.

Okay, so clearly this didn’t really work for him. Maybe if Cas did the prepping? Maybe if Dean didn’t have to get near his asshole so much? But yeah, how the hell would he tell his supposed boyfriend that? Shit, Dean hadn’t thought so far ahead and he was seriously starting to panic now. He didn’t know what to fucking do.

All he did know was that kissing Cas was awesome. Touching and smelling Cas was awesome, having Cas suck him off was the fucking bomb and seeing Cas enjoy actual gay sex had made Dean come. Or seeing Cas orgasm had made Dean come, almost the same thing. Cas plus sexual hijinks equaled awesomeness in Dean’s mind but why the fuck didn’t this work? Why was he disgusted by the videos and why couldn’t he even get hard while he watched them? Wasn’t he supposed to like gay stuff now? Goddamnit, he was getting sexually frustrated and worried at the same time, it was really unsettling.

Just to prove to himself that he so could get off on this he paused the video and opened up a new tab, quickly finding one of his favorite Busty Asian Beauties-videos and played it. Yeah, so his little panic had somewhat of an effect on his libido but he was a healthy seventeen-year-old after all so his dick perked up the moment the two ladies pressed their titties together and kissed sloppily.

He smirked down at his crotch and nudged his jeans button open. Yeah, this was more like it.

He pried his half-hard dick out as the women fell on a bed and really started making out. His dick felt heavy in his hand and he thumbed it lazily, remembering that the last time he had gotten off had been Wednesday, with Cas’ lips around him. He groaned brokenly and started stroking himself for real as one of the beauties started fingering the other. She whined high-pitched and Dean bit his lower lip to keep from making too much sound.

Too fucking long, that was how long it felt since he last rubbed one out. His dick was hot and hard in his hand and he slid effortlessly with the aid of his pre-come. He licked his lips as he felt his balls climb higher. Sometimes he would twist his wrist at the upstroke, sometimes he would thumb his leaking slit, he liked to surprise himself because that way it was easier to pretend it was someone else doing this. Maybe, maybe Cas would like to do this for Dean?

Maybe Cas would sit in Dean’s lap and look at Dean with his big, blue eyes that missed nothing and would just stroke Dean just right. Just hard enough. Would lick his pretty lips and whisper filth in Dean’s ear. Yeah, fuck yeah, bet he would do just that and more.

Dean sped up his hand, suddenly feeling like he needed to come yesterday. His skin felt taut and too hot, his dick was painful and his balls were aching.

"Come on." He groaned lowly, feeling the need build intensely. "Come _on_."

The heat was flowing up and down his spine, searing, and he gasped as the first onset of his orgasm drew his stomach muscles into knots.

And then he fucking remembered what the hell he was supposed to do. Not getting off, getting _instructions_.

" Fuck." He gasped and forced his eyes open only to see that the Busty-video was long since over. With a shaky hand and without being able to stop his other one, he clicked over to the dudes and yes, he was so fucking there and—

And one second of watching that dude’s long dick plow that hairy asshole deflated Dean’s dick as if he had been dropped in ice.

"No." He all but whined and tugged uselessly at his waning erection. "No, no, please." He looked down and fuck, this had never, _ever_ happened to him before. He was freaking out. He was good at sex, that was his thing, goddamnit. Once he had even managed to fuck a milf while her cat was pretending Dean’s foot was a scratching post but this… He couldn’t fucking do this!

He had been so close and one glance at that video… In a sudden gust of anger he shut the lid to his laptop, growling and practically throwing it to the floor. What the hell was wrong with him? He loved Cas, he was _in love_ with Cas, but he couldn’t have sex with him? Hand-jobs and blow-jobs were awesome but Cas would expect more, Dean was sure of it, and he wanted to deliver, so badly. Fucking hell, he didn't know what to do.

Except yes he did. Well, not exactly, but he needed to talk to Cas. Even that Balthazar guy had said so. Watch videos, then talk.

Dean’s hands were shaking as he dialed Cas’ number, his dick still out but fuck if he cared. He needed to talk to Cas, needed to see him, and needed it now.

Cas picked up on the second ring, thank God.

"Hello, Dean."

"Cas." Dean pressed out, completely unable to hide his frustration. "Where are you, man?"

"At home. What’s—"

"I need to see you."

Cas swallowed. "I’m alone right now if you want to come over."

"Perfect." Dean grunted and hung up, not wasting a fucking second on talking on the phone.

Not five minutes later he was speeding through Sioux Falls, having thrown a hasty and flimsy excuse at Bobby before throwing himself in the Impala.

Cas was standing in the doorway when Dean walked up the lawn to his house, looking worried and fuck, that was Dean’s fault.

"Is something wrong, Dean?" Cas asked as he let Dean inside.

Dean rounded on his boyfriend as Cas closed the door and pulled him into a tight embrace, crushing their lips together. Cas’ mouth opened in a little shocked gasp but he responded eagerly when Dean slid his tongue in. God, Cas tasted amazing. And his hands travelled up and down Dean’s body, making Dean all heated again. But no, that wasn’t why he was here.

"I just need you, baby." Dean mumbled against Cas’ slick lips. "But I…" he pulled out to look around the hall. "How long do we have until your family comes home?"

Cas frowned in thought. "I don’t know, an hour? Maybe more."

Dean carded a hand through his hair and stepped back. "Fuck, okay, that’s…"

"Dean." Cas tugged at Dean’s jacket. "Tell me what’s wrong. You’re making me worried. Is…" he looked down when Dean tried to meet his eyes. "Is this about why you wouldn’t come home with me yesterday?"

Fuck, was Cas really thinking Dean had changed his mind? Well, yeah, Dean realized with a new sort of panic, why the hell wouldn’t he?

"No, baby, no." He mumbled soothingly and pulled Cas back in for a new kiss. This one less urgent and more on the sweet side. Cas sighed contentedly and leaned against Dean. Yeah, this felt so much better. With Cas in his arms Dean felt like a goddamn champ. And on that note… "You know what? It kind of does have something to do with that."

"How so?" Cas asked but Dean noticed he sounded a little less worried. Good.

"Can we talk in your room?"

Cas nodded and took Dean’s hand. It felt good and comforting but as Cas led Dean closer and closer to the privacy of his room Dean realized that that was a bad idea. Bedrooms were usually where sexy stuff happened and wasn’t that the fucking problem right now?

Dean’s breathing was labored by the time Cas closed his bedroom door behind Dean and Cas was back to looking extremely worried.

"Dean, tell me what you’re thinking."

Yes, this was Cas. He could tell Cas everything. Cas wouldn’t judge him. But… But…

"I can’t have sex with you." Dean blurted out and then immediately bent down to lean his hands on his knees and just tried to fucking _breathe_ because he hadn’t just said that to his boyfriend.

" What?" Cas asked and sounded more confused than angry.

"Fucking hell." Dean gasped and wondered desperately when he had turned into this goddamn mess. Cas made him messy.

"Dean, please look at me." Cas placed his hands gently on Dean’s shoulders and Dean made the effort to straighten up and actually do his bidding. "Please calm down."

"I… Yeah."

"Sit down." Cas gestured to the bed and Dean just fucking couldn’t but did anyway. "Now tell me."

"I-I…" Okay, he could do this. He was new Honest-Dean now, right? And this was Cas. Cas whom he had almost lost and whom he had back now but could possibly lose again because he couldn’t get over the whole gross-that’s-where-you-poop situation. He couldn’t lose Cas. "I watched some gay porn." He started lamely and Cas nodded. "And I didn’t like it."

"Okay." Cas said calmly and sounded like he was waiting for more because of course there was more.

Dean turned to look at Cas. "I like porn."

"Many people do."

"No, Cas." Dean’s expression turned almost pained and Cas looked very concerned. "I _hated_ the gay porn. I was just about to come and it fucking turned me off, alright?"

" It’s alright, Dean." Cas put a comforting hand on Dean’s thigh. "You don’t have to watch it. You can watch regular porn."

"No, but Cas, no…" Dean looked away from Cas’ trusting face, flailing for the right words. "I was looking at gay things to try and learn how to do it with _you_. And I hated even seeing it." He closed his eyes when he felt Cas’ hand leave his thigh.

" Oh."

"Yeah." Dean breathed but still refused to open his eyes.

"So because you didn’t like watching some random guys fuck you thought you wouldn’t be able to do it with me? Did you think I would dump you if we never end up doing it anally?"

"Would-wouldn’t you?" Dean asked in a small voice and opened his eyes when he felt Cas leave the bed.

"Dean," Cas said, his tone very serious as he stood in front of Dean. Dean unconsciously opened his legs a little. "Do _you_ want to break up with _me_?"

" What? No!"

"I mean, now that you’ve found you don’t like gay sex, do you want to break it off before we get too emotionally invested?"

"_No_." Dean practically whined and he didn’t know if it was the sound of his voice or his words that made Cas smirk but it was the most lecherous smirk he had ever seen. Dean’s legs fell open even further.

" Good." Cas purred, his voice a low rumble and Dean swallowed audibly. He reached down and pulled his sweater over his head. Dean’s breath hitched slightly when he saw the expanse of Cas’ pale chest. Sure he had seen Cas naked in the gym shower before but this was different. So intimate that Dean’s dick just _had to_ perk up. " Because you know, Dean." Cas said, his voice low and husky now, and pressed close to straddle Dean’s lap. "I know you like touching me. There are a lot of _other_ things we can do."

His breath ghosted hot and wet against Dean’s neck and ear and Dean shivered. "God, yes." He hissed and clutched at Cas’ hips, making Cas roll down against Dean’s already swelling dick.

"Let me take care of you." Cas rumbled and pressed against Dean to make him fall back on the bed.

Dean groaned and bucked up against Cas, pleased to find him equally hard and loving the little mewling sound Cas made when their clothed erections rubbed together.

"But I’m supposed to take care of _you_." Dean moaned when Cas started sucking at his neck. " Fuck, Cas, I wanna make you feel so good."

"You do, Dean." Cas rasped and started rolling his hips rhythmically when Dean palmed his ass. "Jesus, Dean, if you knew what you do to me."

Goddamnit, it felt so good having Cas like this that Dean couldn’t think straight but he had to. He had come here to talk about this and he shouldn’t get side-tracked.

"That’s—" he bit off another moan and stilled Cas’ hips. Cas sat up a little and looked at Dean but fuck, that was almost worse. Cas’ eyes were so blown from lust that Dean could hardly look at them and not leak pre-come all over his underwear. "That’s what I’m talking about Cas." He said breathlessly and Cas was clearly not following. "You told me you’ve been thinking about me while using your dildo."

"I have." Cas’ hands travelled up under Dean’s tee and the touch felt electric. "I used it just last night."

Dean didn't know why but the ease with which Cas admitted something so lewd made Dean’s back arch and his dick quiver. "Fuck, Cas, you’re so…"

"Come on, Dean, take off your clothes." He scooted down a little and rubbed his ass over Dean’s crotch and fuck yes. Dean kept him in place and bucked up against him. "Let me make you feel good."

"But, Cas—"

"No, Dean. It’s okay for you to just relax and feel." Cas bent down and kissed Dean sweetly. "I know you’re used to having to be in charge but it doesn’t have to be like that with me, let me show you." He kissed him again, the kiss getting more heated and Dean made noises he had never made before as Cas’ tongue battled with his. "We don’t have to do anal, Dean, don’t worry. You’ll never disappoint me."

_I fucking will if I lose my erection again_ , Dean thought desperately but at the moment the more imminent threat seemed to be blowing it too soon so he decided not to say anything. Maybe letting Cas take over would be a good thing. Dean was kind of nervous and clueless about what he could do to make Cas feel good, better to just let him lead.

And as more and more of their clothes were ripped off and thrown on the floor Dean realized that yeah, that was a really fucking good idea. Cas was sure and steady and he knew everyone of Dean’s buttons as if by magic. Cas paused to just stare when Dean finally shucked off his jeans and underwear.

"_God_." Cas mumbled and squeezed at his own hard-on through his underwear as he watched Dean’s dick twitch under his scrutiny. " Your dick is so _fat_." He licked his plump lips and Dean shuddered as he felt himself leak pre-come like a goddamn faucet. " God, I want to suck you again."

Dean put his hand on his dick and squeezed around the base. "Come on, baby." He moaned. "I need to see you." _Need to see if the sight of you still excites me, even after those horrible videos._ He didn’t say any of that out loud, of course.

Cas looked up at Dean with heavily lidded eyes and licked his lips once more before he shuffled up on the bed, shimmying out of his underwear as he went. When he was finally up by the headboard and his head rested on the pillow he pulled his underwear completely off and threw them over the edge.

Dean sat at the foot of the bed and just stared. Cas’ body was flushed from excitement, his nipples were erect without even being touched and his legs lay slightly open in an invitation. Dean took all of this in quickly before zeroing in on Cas’ dick. It was slimmer than Dean’s and curved up towards his belly, looking just as red and painful as the first time Dean had gotten a proper look at it aroused. It looked… It… Dean’s fucking mouth watered.

Cas lifted a hand and spread his legs a little further. "Dean." He keened and Dean’s attention snapped up to his face, to his beautiful blue eyes. "Come here."

"Just-just a second babe." Dean all but growled, his voice much lower than he had ever heard it himself. Unconsciously he started stroking himself. "I just need to look at you, you’re so fucking perfect."

Cas’ hips rolled up into nothing, seeking friction and Dean’s breath stuttered. "Dean." Cas made breathy little gasps as he fucked up into the air, his dick’s sticky head bumping his stomach now and then, leaving a wet spot there. His hands twitched but he didn’t touch.

Dean’s hand sped up. "Goddamn, Cas." He groaned and clumsily shuffled forwards on his knees. "I’ve never been so fucking hard before." Not just from looking.

Cas smirked lazily and reached for Dean, pulling him down, and when their mouths met so did their dicks. Dean jerked and pressed into Cas without really intending to but he didn’t fucking regret it. Cas moaned deeply into the kiss and Dean’s dick leaked over the both of them with how goddamn good it felt to have Cas’ hard dick pressed against Dean’s.

"Shit, baby, it feels, you feel—" he interrupted himself with a breathy gasp when Cas bucked up against him.

"Dean." Cas moaned against Dean’s sweaty neck. "I need you, have needed you for so long."

"Yes, fuck, yes." Dean almost screamed when Cas reached down to jerk them both off in his hand. "Gonna fucking come if you keep this up."

"Yes, Dean, want you to." Cas’ hand sped up. "Want to feel you come all over me."

"Fucking hell." Dean gathered Cas in his arms and started practically fucking down into the other man’s grip, kissing and licking at Cas’ neck as Cas keened and moaned beneath him.

"Dean, Dean." Cas was mumbling against Dean’s ear just moments later and it took what little coherence Dean had left to realize that Cas actually wanted something. Something other than sex.

He extracted himself with extreme difficulty because goddamnit, he needed to come and needed to do it all over Cas, _now_. Cas was smirking and rolling over, though, and yeah, his back was just as nice to look at as his front. Dean started kneading Cas’ ass cheeks before he even knew what was happening.

Cas moaned but managed to flail enough to get what he wanted from the nightstand. With effort he sat up and Dean immediately recognized the little tube as lube. Cas just smiled and coated his fingers before reaching down and rubbing it on Dean’s dick. Dean’s eyes rolled back into his head.

"God." He groaned out and tried to steady himself by putting his hands on Cas but fuck if that was working at the moment. He was just so close to coming he couldn’t even think.

But Cas wasn’t having it, he was turning over again and when Dean managed to open his eyes he was presented with Cas’ ass, so round and pale and fucking perfect, just inches from his aching dick.

"Wha-what?" he asked dumbly even as he moved closer to press his dick against Cas, just to get _some_ fucking friction.

" Dean." Cas gasped and threw his head back. Dean liked that so his rolled his hips forwards again. "Between my legs."

"What?"

Cas put his thighs together, instead of spreading them like that twink had done in the video, and looked over his shoulder. "Put your dick between my legs. Come on, Dean, fuck me"

Oh God, with Cas offering himself like that Dean couldn’t — wouldn’t — deny him anything. Everything bad about the videos were as if blow away and at the first slide of Dean’s slick dick between Cas’ quivering thighs Dean felt like he was finally home.

And it certainly helped that he clearly could feel the underside of Cas’ tight balls and hard dick too. Felt fucking amazing.

"Holy shit, baby, you’re so good." Dean babbled and set an almost bruising pace from the get-go. Cas didn’t seem to mind. He just buried his head against the pillow and moaned loudly, tilting his ass up and Dean grabbed his hips hard, bending over to practically pound against him. "So fucking beautiful, my beautiful baby. God, I-I need, Cas, I—" he growled when he saw one of Cas’ hands disappearing beneath him because he fucking knew what that meant. God, he wanted to see Cas come but he couldn’t stop himself now. His orgasm teetered right there on the edge with Cas acting so lewdly.

"Yes." Cas gasped and fucked himself back on Dean’s dick. "Gonna come, gonna come soon, Dean."

"_Fuck_." Dean straightened a little as he felt the pull of his orgasm draw his whole body tight. When he looked down he saw where his dick disappeared but just above it was Cas’ puckered hole. It looked rosy and like it fucking wanted to be touched, to be filled. It fluttered as Cas bucked and when Dean grabbed one of Cas’ ass cheeks he could see the hole clenched around nothing. Shit, he wanted… He _actually_ wanted…

Dean pressed his thumb against the hole. Cas keened and arched his back sharply.

"Dean!" he gasped and pressed back. Dean felt the pad of his thumb almost slipping inside. It felt hot, and _tight_.

" Fuck, Cas." Dean rasped. "I fucking take it back. I want everything with you. I wanna be inside of you."

"Oh God yes." Cas moaned pitifully and sped up his hand on his dick.

"I wanna feel you around my dick, wanna feel you take it, wanna come inside of you, want you to come on my dick." Jesus Christ, Dean had never wanted something so much.

"Yes, Dean." Cas panted. "Next time."

_Next time._

Holy crap, the thought that this was Dean’s now, that he got to have this, was enough to push him over the edge and he came with a broken cry, his hand clenching hard around Cas’ hip and his thumb still pressing against Cas’ asshole.

When Dean regained enough consciousness to open his eyes again he saw that Cas was still on his hands and knees, jerking his dick furiously and fuck no, Dean wouldn’t have that.

With a mighty push he forced Cas to his back and Cas just whimpered and bared his throat when Dean slapped his hand away and started stroking him roughly, his own come slicking the rub.

"You’re mine, Cas." Dean growled possessively against Cas’ panting mouth. "I’m gonna make you feel good, just you wait, gonna be what you need."

"Yes, Dean, I ne-need, I—"

"Wanna see you come, Cas." Dean growled and fuck if that didn't do the trick.

Cas’ eyes flung open and his body pulled taut as his dick released all over his stomach and Dean’s hand. Dean looked down and yeah, that was the fucking hottest thing he had ever seen.

He raised his hand as Cas was coming down from his high and studied his fingers and the sticky mess, considering to taste just as Cas had. Cas had seemed to like it…

Cas put his hand over Dean’s and brought it down to his chest, almost cradling Dean’s hand.

"Next time, Dean." He mumbled sweetly and Dean released a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding.

"Yeah." He said and nuzzled down against Cas, pulling his smaller frame against his and absolutely refusing to admit that he fucking loved cuddling Cas.

"Baby steps." Cas smiled against Dean’s chest and Dean chuckled throatily.

"One hell of a baby step this was but okay." He grinned and kissed Cas’ sweaty hair, loving how his boyfriend understood him exactly.

Just… Just loving Cas.

  


*****

  


It was almost a month later before Dean could finally muster up the courage to have actual penetrative sex with Cas and the moment he did he wanted to fucking kill himself for waiting so long. He embarrassed himself but coming very soon but true to his seventeen-year-old body he had it up and working soon enough again. Cas wasn’t mad either, just seemed to think it was hot when Dean lost control like that.

And Cas looked positively beautiful as he lay glowing beneath Dean, taking Dean’s dick so greedily and still moaning for more. And Dean would give it to him, again and again and again. Forever.

  


*****

  


They graduated the year after and went to the same collage, managing to get a shared dorm room and to sufficiently creep their dorm manager out enough so that they had to rent a house off campus with Benny and Andrea but that was just so awesome that they had to laugh about it.

They went on a break when Cas caught a drunken Dean almost making out with a girl after a stupid fight. Sure, the fight had been about Cas meeting Crowley for coffee but it was still stupid, so very juvenile Dean Winchester. And everyone took Cas’ side. Dean spent the better part of that semester feeling like a shit because everyone meant literally _everyone_. Including Sam and Dean himself.

They only one that had still talked to Dean had been Bobby, even though Dean was pretty sure the old man was pretty irritated with Dean too. Still, it was nice to talk to someone about his concerns because even though Bobby was sure that was flour in the envelope Gabriel had sent Dean, Dean was still convinced it had been anthrax.

Cas eventually took him back, though, because nothing had really happened and because Dean had cried and begged, down on his fucking knees. Not that anyone else would ever know about that but Dean didn’t particularly care because he had Cas back in his arms.

  


*****

  


Dean tried his hardest not to be jealous over the years but it was hard with Cas being so open and affectionate with everyone and what with him being so fucking sexy. People were bound to fucking notice, alright? Dancing out in clubs was one thing but when Cas started his new job as a history teacher and one of the other teachers started hitting heavily on him Dean fucking had it and punched the man. It almost ended with Cas losing his job and Cas acted mad all the way home but as soon as they got inside their apartment they had had the best fucking sex in a while. Didn’t even make it to the bedroom; Dean just fucked Cas up against the wall.

Dean made a point to show his jealousy in healthy doses after that because Cas would react to it like it was a freaking aphrodisiac and Cas started to flirt with men just to get more of Dean’s possessiveness. Dean readily indulged.

  


*****

  


When they bought their house together Dean felt like his heart might pound out of his chest with how happy he was. The beaming smile Cas gave him as he assembled the beehives in their back yard told him that yes, this was the only life he ever wanted.

And when Dean finally manned up and bought Cas an engagement ring he was careful to have a little bee engraved on the inside, next to the date and their names, instead of the lame heart the salesman suggested.

Cas cried when he saw and the only reason Dean didn’t cry too was because all of their friends and Bobby and Sam was watching them and goddamn bawling. Someone had to be a fucking man, alright?

As Cas slept in Dean’s arms that night, the matching golden rings glinting on their fingers, Dean thought back to that day ten years ago when he had first bought something bee-themed for Cas. It seemed a lifetime ago and simultaneously just yesterday.

He remembered how awkward their relationship had been in the beginning and how confused Dean had been, not only with Cas in general because he was odd, but with himself. He was very glad, now, that he had managed to figure everything out before it had been too late. Because a life without Cas would be no life at all for Dean, he knew that now.

Because Cas was Dean’s life. Just as Dean was his, forever.

_I like you Dean._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, yeah, so this was supposed to be a sort of coming of age story. A little (hah!) thing about a straight guy falling for another dude and having to deal with that. Just look what happened…
> 
> Still enjoyed writing it though! Even though that is possibly the fluffiest ending in history =P


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